6/20/18

Wondering how my day is going? Well I started the day at midnight by not sleeping so Kiley and I stayed up til like 4am watching Netflix before we fell asleep and woke up at 1pm to two kids, two dogs, and on adult in addition to me and Kiley in the bed. I admit I wasn’t real happy about it. However, I also realized I slept through therapy so that sucked. I was able to reschedule but it just makes me frustrated with myself because I can’t keep sleeping til late now that I have to be awake early in the mornings again. I need to be responsible and right now I’m not. I feel like I’m just letting myself down in everything I do. I feel like I’m letting others down also. I just never feel like I’m good enough for others or myself. I just keep going over everything in my head and I can’t even see what I did right over what I did wrong. I know the majority of all of this is just because I’m overthinking, but at some point, maybe the part of me that is overthinking is right. My mom keeps texting me and I’m not responding to any of them because I don’t even know  what to say in response. I know I fucked up in someways but, I also did right. I just know they see it as all I do is wrong and that’s hard for me. I don’t want to completely ruin my relationship with my parents. I still love them and I do feel bad for putting them through this at such a bad time. I wish I could go back and change the way I did some things so I wouldn’t be so hurt about what is currently happening. The worst part right now is realizing when I left my Grandma, that’s when she started to get really sick and now I just left my Dad and he’s getting really sick. My heart just broke even more inside now. I didn’t even realize this but, its so true. It’s like the exact same thing. My Dad’s cancer might be growing and this is going on right when I am leaving. He might be dying even sooner yet I’m leaving them and being a terrible daughter. Did I do the wrong thing? Is this a sign? Am I seriously doing this a second time? What’s wrong with me that I am doing this to them. This can’t be my fault… is this my fault? Maybe this is all god’s way of warning me this is the wrong decision. Everything with Jeff and Kristy to my cousins to now my Dad. Maybe this is his way of giving me a sign. What should I do now? I can’t just go back, I can’t just leave here. I can’t do both families at once. Can I really do any of this? Wow, I might be doing the completely wrong thing. I can’t even deny this possibly being my fault. I hate seeing in black and white because the sis when I need to be able to see in grey and I can’t. What do I do wrong because I really don’t know. I mean, what did I do to deserve my Dad getting sick right when I leave jut like my Grandma. I always blame myself for what happened with grandma so how do I not blame myself for this too? I really messed up didn’t I?… I know there is nothing I can do to go back and change the current and future. I feel trapped like I have gone from being a lost puppy on the streets to being captured by animal control, trapped, and not being able to really do anything yet I’m still alone. I’m always alone and maybe I always will be. Maybe this was my last chance. I am disappointed in myself now because I know I’m better than this yet I still keep coming and doing the same dumb shit. I can’t even be mad at anyone else for this because it’s all my fault. What if I would have never gotten involved with this family? Things would be so different and maybe I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now. Please god, don’t let anything happen to my dad, especially not because of me. I would never wish this on him. This isn’t fair, none of it, yet it keeps going on. I really messed up, I don’t think I can even come back from this. I always try to show myself as having my life together and being okay but, that honestly couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so broken but I went through a hospital program for almost two months so I should have my life together.

I went home to pick up my meds mainly and then my blanket and pillow. I was hoping my mom wouldn’t be home even though I knew dad would be. My mom was home though and when I went to my room she came in and told me again that Dad’s CT came back clear. His MRI at Huntley is at 9am and we should know by Monday what the results are and what the next steps will be. I’m really scared it is going to be something cancer related because his pain is getting worse and worse everyday. I do feel bad for leaving at such a bad time. This wasn’t my intentions at all. I blame myself completely though. I wish I knew whether or not this is truly my fault. I just need to know.

I keep cumin back to this similarity between the situation with grandma and now the situation with dad. It just keeps playing through my head and I keep trying to make more sense of it and I ca’t. I’m frustrated with myself.

6/19/18

If you think i’m going to back down then you are very wrong. I’m strong and I refuse to let you hurt me. I can and will get through this no matter how much it may hurt. I’m strong. If you think you can completely control me the you are wrong. I am more than a lost puppy, I am more than a broken girl. Call me what you want, treat me how you want, I will never change who I am for you. I am far from perfect and that is okay. I will never be perfect because nothing is ever perfect. This life isn’t mine if I pretend to be something I’m not. Yes, I make mistakes but guess what, we all do. I might be making the wrong decision in the life but at least its my own decision. I would rather be completely disappointed in my own decisions than be disappointed in myself for someone else decisions. If im not authentic to myself than who am I? I have always been this fake person and now I think its my time to find who I really am without all of the pressure from others. I can either fight for myself or give up but, if I give up, I won’t make it much longer. I deserve more for myself. I don’t have to do anything to deserve it, I am human and deserve a good life just like anyone else. Its been hard starting to teach myself all of this but, I can slowly but surely as long as I keep reminding myself. I got this far so I know I can make it even farther. Everything is a work in progress I think. Change doesn’t;t just happen in one day no matter how much I wish it did.. change starts in one day but must continue to make a impact. “Im on the outside always looking in”- Dear Evan Hansen. This quote is so simple yet it resinates deep inside me because this is exactly how I feel. That quote is the definition of feeling like a lost puppy. I am not a lost puppy, it is not my identity, but I do feel like one. Something I do or feel doesn’t decide my identity unless I decide it does. Nobody can decide who I am for me, only myself. Yes, sometimes I will reach out for support and want to feel supported and cared for and about but, if I open myself up to you like that then I am really vulnerable and nobody has any right to take that from me. I guess thats why im still a little hurt from yesterday. I was vulnerable and you didn’t even bother to think about how I might be feeling before sharing your own opinion. I helped support yo all day and I got nothing in the small moment I needed it. I needed love and support, not just some emotionless and meaningless opinion. I still do get hurt sometime no matter how hard I try to fight it. Im human and thats okay, but I will not and do not ever deserve to be treated like I am worthless. I matter even if I am not always ready to admit it. I look into the future with no clue as to what is going to happen. Nobody can predict the future so I might as well focus on now since this I can still control. I still have power over now and I refuse to give up that power all over again.

I can’t even begin to explain in words how annoyed I am right now. I can usually just like keep myself calm but I am tired of being treated and spoken to like shit by a six year old. I deserve better than that. I am literally leaving g basically my entire family right now but I have to deal with all the bullshit here too. I am calling this place home yet i’m hidings in Kiley’s room to be away from all of the drama for a while. I don’t even know what I want to do right now. I just want to get away from everything in my entire life. I want the restart button so I can start from the beginning knowing what I know now. People don’t understand what is going through my brain, My brain is beyond complex and nobody understands why I do things the way I do. I can get frustrated easily and I can’t release it by just being angry about shit. I can’t feel anger like that, I can’t express that frustration. I just keep it bottled up until it reaches a max and I break down. That is so frustrating for me because that isn’t how I want to deal with my emotions and everything i’m feeling. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated and basically hating my life. Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I just end up broken. There is never any good outcomes for me. I am so tired of everything right now and it shouldn’t be like that. None of this should be the way it is right now. I feel like I’m almost living a hidden life right now which really isn’t fair. I honestly feel like I’m living a completely fake life. Who am I? Someone please tell me because I can’t figure this out anymore. I don’t know if I need help or if I want help. I just need to have a new life that maybe I won’t hate. I feel like I’m lost in my own head and can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. “Help me, I’m crawling in my skin”- Shawn Mendes. I love this quote for one simple reason. That quote is what keeps going through my head non-stop.

I can’t do any of this anymore. This is my break-in point. I keep trying so hard to get through all of this and I simply can’t keep trying to push myself through all of this. I’m at my break-in point right now. I feel like I’m hated no matter where I go. I’m so tired of everything and just want it all to stop. I don’t even want to be alive so why should I want to just be annoying to others? Nobody actually wants me anymore. This family took me in while they didn’t completely know me and all of my issues and now I know they don’t want me here anymore but, they won’t just kick me out.

6/18/18

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of hurt and pain I feel right now. I can’t keep fighting the world every second of everyday. I’m trying so hard to stay about water and keep from drowning and I feel like someone just looked at me and left instead of grabbing my hand. I was right, every time I start to get comfortable, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I have to try to rebuild myself and start over. Everyone thinks I can be this rock and always be put on the side and only used when someone wants me. Its not fair. Stop always reminding me I am just a lost puppy. I can’t handle being broke over and over again. Give me a straight black and white answer, not the shit you keep giving me. Guess what. My entire world is crashing just like yours except nobody cares about me since i’m just a lost puppy. I never really matter to anyone. I get taken in and then they see how much responsibility it is to have a puppy and then no longer want me. Screw you for hurting me as much as you saved me. Thanks for constant pain everyday. I shouldn’t have come in the first place because there was no way you were actually gonna help me. Don’t tell me that my parents are taking advantage of me when you are doing the same thing. I let you in and you destroyed me. I should have known better. Everyone will hurt me so I shouldn’t have let myself get comfortable. This is my own fault. Now I’m just alone. I had one place, my house, and I thought I was better than that and now I have fucked up everything. I have never felt safe and I started to and instead you took everything you could. Fuck you parents and cousins for hurting me my entire life and not even being willing to admit it, I hate that you made me feel worthless every single day and always made me feel like one big disappointment. You knew everything going on and you did nothing. You say you will always support me but, what about now? Oh wait..I’m too much of a failure and disappointment for you to actually want me. Sorry I wasn’t perfect for you and now you are stuck with me and can’t figure out where you went wrong. You made me feel bad and never did anything to help. You didn’t care but continued trying to look like some kind of perfect family with no drama where everything is perfectly okay. Do you ever actually say the truth and pain behind this shit or just ask like you don’t understand all of these conversations. Now for you lovely cousins, you can go fuck yourselves too. You though I am now a huge disappointment for not going home on fathers day and who knows, maybe I am, but you have no right to say anything to be because you fucked up worse than me and I should be some kind of wonderful person. For my second parents, I love you both but I’m so pissed at you right now. You knew I needed you and you left me with nothing and had to go focus on something else like I wasn’t even there. If you told me something came up and that you needed to deal with right then, then im fine and cool with that. In stead you all just made me feel like I don’t even matter and I guess that really is your issue.

I kept falling asleep while writing that last part. I guess there are a lot of tings just making me frustrated with the world. I feel like nobody truly cares about me and feeling like that non stop just kind of hurts and leaved an impression. I don’t know how to describe feeling empty in a room full of people. I don’t even know how to express emotions at this point and I have been an emotional person all of my life. I think the worst part is that I know I have all of these emotions and feel them on the inside, but, on the outside, i’m completely numb. What hurts more is knowing certain people in my life can easily see past the numb and they see whats actually going on, but are choosing to only seat from their point of view without considering my feelings. How is that fair? I understand we all have our own struggles in our own lives, but that doesn’t make it okay to then just take your feelings out on the other person, especially when it involves something really personal. Destroying my feelings about my dad dying and completely invalidating all of my emotions hurts so much, especially considering I only come to you for a little support, even as small as a hug, instead you completely crushed my feelings and then decided it would be fun to make it a big deal about what I eat when you know I struggle with food a lot. Honestly, I am being sent into such a depression state at this point that I don’t even know if anyone could pull me out. I understand all off the pain you are going through right now. All of that pain and hurt and anger is valid. I always do my best to be here for you and usually you at least make an effort to listen and support me too. These past few days have been beyond painful for me, and this is the time you have basically just left me on my own and even made things a little worse. I just needed your support and I got none. I forgot how much it hurt when it felt like my entire world is just crushing me. I don’t even know if anyone actually cares about my feelings at this point. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Someone please tell me so then maybe I won’t feel so lost and broken in this world right now. With all of this going on I am starting to question whether or not I actually made the right decision or not. I think I did but either way I have reached the point that I can’t turn back even if I want to. I hope I haven’t really fucked up because I don’t know if I could come back from this if it all turns bad. I would be lying if I said I haven’t really though I wished I could just end my life. Im not saying that I plan to act on it, because I don’t. However, part of me wishes I could. Maybe then all of this hurt and pain would stop. Im not sure how many people would even care at this point. Im just this invisible speck. As you can probably tell through my writing, i’m numb. Its weird how being numb can hurt. I just want all of it to stop. It all really hurts and I just want the pain to stop in whatever way… “the end”

I feel like i’m crying out for help yet nobody hears me. The things is nobody can or will read this. This doesn’t matter, none of this matters. I don’t even matter so who am I kidding. I deserve everything Im getting right now.

6/15/18

I have so many words yet I know how to express so few. Today started so good with this being my last day of program. I was genuinely happy about this even though I was a little scared about making the change to normal life again. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s after and was in such a good mood, feeling free from everything for a little while. I got there and just chilled out and pet the dog for a while and then brushed her since she sheds so much. What made my day really rough was what happened later on. Hanna had to go to a friends house in the same area as Jack was going yet he refused to drive her so Kristy had us hide his keys in my back pack so there was no way he would find them. Once Kristy got back and was ready to then take Hanna, Jack freaked out and stood in the car door so Hanna couldn’t close it. Then after a while since he wouldn’t move and all he was doing was screaming at them, Kristy backed up just a little and Jack put all his weight on the car door, breaking it. Then he started screaming at Kristy saying things like she is a dumb c**t  and b***h and he just kept screaming at her. Once he started getting violent, Kiley started fighting and thats when Kristy got out of the car and started fighting him too. Eventually Kiley got away from Jack and came up to the front porch and grabbed the baseball bat. Jack and Kiley were then fighting each other so Hanna and Kristy left thinking the situation would then calm down. I had grabbed Connor and sent him upstairs to Kelli Ann’s room. Kiley came up to the front porch and Jack grabbed her and threw her onto the sidewalk. He then shoved me out of the door against the wall and came into the house. I was scared he was going to go upstairs where the kids were so I pushed him toward the basement and he got in my face and went to hit me and stopped and stormed downstairs screaming  that I am a c**t, b***h, can kill myself, and can go f**k myself. I heard him punch the wall twice and Kiley then came inside and was washing blood off her ankle. Brandon was at the table but went down stairs after a few minutes. Jack came back upstairs and went outside and started to walk away so I quickly shut the door and locked it as well as all the other doors. Kiley went upstairs to check on the kids and Jack came back and grabbed the bat, and started to hit the front windows screaming my name but he couldn’t break them because of the screens. He then went to the back yard and I was the only one on that floor besides Kaden. I saw Jack out the back window and I ran and covered Kaden so he wouldn’t get hit by glass. Jack hit the back window with the bat and shattered it everywhere and then started throwing glass at me. I stood up closer to the window trying to get him to go away or chill out but he didn’t. He then went back up front and started fighting with Kristy who had just came back and them came to the back yard again and started hitting the window again. Hanna and Kristy were both inside at this point and the doors were locked again. I went and stood in front of Kaden again to make sure he was safe. Kristy was by the window yelling back at Jack who was screaming at her and finally he left and went up front and started walking down the road while two undercover cops were watching. Hanna had call the police after Kristy said to. A couple seconds later a cop arrested Jack and more cops showed up. Kristy went up to the cop and started to tell her what happened and Jeff called me so I went out there and told them I saw everything that happened. Hanna and Kiley then came outside too talking to the cop. She asked us to go inside with her and write written statements of everything that happened. While we were doing that Jeff showed up from work and wanted to know everything that happened.  He was talking to the cop as I finished my statement. They explained he was being taken to Wauconda jail for the night and would be in front of a judge in 48 hours max. Once the cops started to leave we started to check out the damage and clean up. I was in shock and couldn’t even move. I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. I came out and Jeff’s dad, Scott, was there looking at everything. He kind of had a attitude but helped up take the broken window out so we could take it to get fixed. Everyone then went outside while I stayed inside making sure the kids stayed upstairs. Amy, Jeff’s ex-wife came and started screaming that its insane that Jeff brought me, a 20 year old woman to his house and let me sleep in their house, and that I cut and would do it in front of the kids (I would never, just sayin). Kristy looked inside to see if I was listening and I was but could only hear bits and pieces.  I didn’t know the full story until later. Amy was acting all nice to me and I didn’t know what she had said so I was nice too. Evidently Scott had some words to say about me as well. During all of this my parents wanted me to go to dinner and I said no because I was there and I couldn’t tell them what was actually going on so I kept telling them I just wasn’t hungry. They were frustrated I wouldn’t go and me and my mom were sending long texts to each other basically fighting about how I’m a bad daughter. What made this bad, it was fathers day.

6/14/18

Last night I had a lot on my mind even though I didn’t write much. I was really struggling last night and I admit I was kind of worried. Talking to Jeff helped but, it didn’t at the same time. He tried, that I admit. Our life situations have been very different and sometimes it makes it hard to relate. He doesn’t really understand my point of view when I get upset about situations with my family. To me its a lot more that just going back and forth between my two families.

(My stomach hurts so bad right now and I honestly kind of feel like i’m going to be sick or faint. Im so dizzy and I went to the bathroom hoping that would help but, it almost made me more sick.

Im also gonna talk to Abbey soon and i’m really anxious about it. Like I know I need to but, I’m just worried about such a big change especially when I don’t feel well. I don’t know if its really gonna be this hard or if I’m overthinking it. I know majority of the time I overthink but, with this I’m not sure. I am worried about not having enough structure and falling back.

Wow. I really don’t feel good right now. Probably because I haven’t ate anything in almost 24 hours now. Im pushing my body over and over but eventually I know my body is going to break. Especially now when I really don’t feel good because I keep pushing myself physically and emotionally repeatedly. I’m scared about breaking.

Tomorrow is my last day!)

I feel so exhausted yet I don’t stop or slow down. Im doing this with everything in my life. I always think I can do some amazing thing when in reality i’m only human.

6/13/18

I have finally found the point where I have fucked up too much. I missed program this morning and later in the day I got a call from my case manager who, to the lease, wasn’t real happy with me. She basically said that I need to discharge from the program on Friday and that way if I need to come back in the future, I can. I understand her point of view on it, I guess I am just frustrated with myself. I wish I would have just kept going to program but, because I didn’t, I am now done. I am kind of scared about not having much, if any, structure on a daily basis. I know when I don’t have much striation I tend to go back into my negative state of mind which, well, we know how that goes. Im worried that when when I stop program, I will go downhill and sendup doing the same thing that resulted in me having to go there in the first place. Honestly, I wish I could attempt suicide and just end it but, the issue is that I want to not be alive, without dying. I guess it comes down to the fact I don’t want to hurt others but, I also don’t want to keep suffering myself. I just want everything to… stop. Why do I so badly want this all to end, why can’t I just want to live? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I get that maybe I haven’t done anything specific to deserve this but, either way, why is this happening. I have done everything I can for things to get better yet, they haven’t honestly. I’m only being taught how to deal with this pain but, not actually how to stop it. If this is how it will always be, then I don’t want to sign up for a long term subscription. If life sucks then its not a life I want to live. I feel like no matter what I do things will never get better. I don’t even know what I specifically want to change. I just want to not feel like this. I always say I want to find the real me, but what if this is the real me. What if this is just what i’m like and things wont ever change. I think that might actually be my biggest fear right now. If this is how my life will always be then I would rather know now so I can just end it now instead of continuing to suffer. I so badly just want things to be different yet they never actually change. I am the only one that can make the change so I guess its my own fault that im like this. Maybe Im just not trying hard enough but, if I’m not trying my best now, Probably never will. I don even know why I keep thinking this through. That won’t make this any better and I know I should just stop and end it now but I’m a fucking idiot and just keep doing it. Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exception a different reaction. I think thats what I’m doing now. This is my own fault, I deserve this. I seriously fucking deserve this.