6/12/18

I wanted to write last night but, it was a very rough night so I took my meds and slept. As usual, I was suicidal however, this time there was a cause. I think I already wrote about the decision I made to move in with the Vicari’s. I thought over this many times and it was not an easy decision to make. I wrote about the drama that happened at Olive Garden. I was beyond upset about that and finally decided to do a pro con list for moving out and one for staying home (6/10/18). For both I had some long lists. Many of my cons for staying home were pros for moving out. I discussed it with Jeff and Kristy and she asked what a home is to me. I said, “Feeling safe, being bale to be me safely, and feeling heard, not invisible, feeling loved, feeling wanted.”. I then put a star next to everything I listed that involved one or more of those three things. Almost all of the cons for staying home were stared and all of the pros for moving out had a star. That list basically made my mind up for me. I really wanted to tell my family this week but, I wanted to tell my cousins first. I ended up going to their house last night and was hoping they would be somewhat supportive but, they weren’t. Honestly, they were the exact opposite of supportive, they might as well said “Fuck you”. I honestly feel like the entire world is against me. Like I have so little hope at this point and I have no clue whether I will get it back at this point or not. I look back at yesterday with straight frustration, not anger. I am more hurt than anything. My family should be supporting me and they are doing everything except that. They don’t understand how much they are hurting me, I don’t even feel a point in living at this point. Is there a point anymore? I have so few people who support me right now and I feel as if someone just came and took one of the only things I had left. Will I have anything left at the end of this?  I always make jokes that I am like a lost puppy except, its not a joke. I am literally being shown that my parents have control over me and I feel like they think they have control over my entire life even though I am 10. They always have a say in everything and I feel like my opinion is completely ignored at this point. I don’t even fucking matter so why am I even trying anymore, there is no point. I am worthless in every way and when I finally try to gain some worth, its all taken away. I honestly just want to cut. I don’t give a fuck anymore. It would be easier to kill myself but, I just wish there was a way to end my life without dying. Like a reset button. Right now that reset button is a blade and/or pills. It would be so much easier for me but I don’t want to hurt the few people I still care about and that care about me. Im tired except nobody will let me take a nap when thats the only thing I want now. I want to take a nap to escape all of the hurt and pain I deal with every single day. This nap is called suicide which feels like a strange name for a nap but, for some reason, everyone is against this type of nap. I can’t even power nap because everyone calls it self harm when I just see it as a small break from everything. I guess we’re just expected to stay up all day and night without needing a break or getting any sleep. Somehow I watch as everyone around me is able to do this yet no matter how hard I try it just never fits. What is wrong with me that everyone else is able to get through this but I sit over here too weak and worthless to play and yet, I’m still not allowed to nap or take anything breaks. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do but ya know, everything is my fault. I am really tired and nobody is trying to help keep me awake anymore. There is no point in fighting this dumb battle all day and night when I never signed up for it in the first place. I never asked for anything except for a little bit of help staying awake, and they took that away the second she didn’t get what she wanted. I wish I would get into a car accident without anyone other than me getting hurt. I don’t want them to get hurt, only me. I just want it all to end quickly and for others to not know it was my choice. I don’t want them to think any of it is their fault even if it is. They are still alive so they might as week keep their perfect self image they have right now just without me. It will hurt them but, they will eventually get over it and I won’t matter at all because it was “tragic” but, only if someone else kills me. If I kill myself them my family will blame themselves and there will be people who shame them so its just easier if they don’t really know what happened. Unless I am allowed too, self harm is all I have that can release it, but nobody will let me do that because that again would hurt their perfect self image.

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