6/13/18

I have finally found the point where I have fucked up too much. I missed program this morning and later in the day I got a call from my case manager who, to the lease, wasn’t real happy with me. She basically said that I need to discharge from the program on Friday and that way if I need to come back in the future, I can. I understand her point of view on it, I guess I am just frustrated with myself. I wish I would have just kept going to program but, because I didn’t, I am now done. I am kind of scared about not having much, if any, structure on a daily basis. I know when I don’t have much striation I tend to go back into my negative state of mind which, well, we know how that goes. Im worried that when when I stop program, I will go downhill and sendup doing the same thing that resulted in me having to go there in the first place. Honestly, I wish I could attempt suicide and just end it but, the issue is that I want to not be alive, without dying. I guess it comes down to the fact I don’t want to hurt others but, I also don’t want to keep suffering myself. I just want everything to… stop. Why do I so badly want this all to end, why can’t I just want to live? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I get that maybe I haven’t done anything specific to deserve this but, either way, why is this happening. I have done everything I can for things to get better yet, they haven’t honestly. I’m only being taught how to deal with this pain but, not actually how to stop it. If this is how it will always be, then I don’t want to sign up for a long term subscription. If life sucks then its not a life I want to live. I feel like no matter what I do things will never get better. I don’t even know what I specifically want to change. I just want to not feel like this. I always say I want to find the real me, but what if this is the real me. What if this is just what i’m like and things wont ever change. I think that might actually be my biggest fear right now. If this is how my life will always be then I would rather know now so I can just end it now instead of continuing to suffer. I so badly just want things to be different yet they never actually change. I am the only one that can make the change so I guess its my own fault that im like this. Maybe Im just not trying hard enough but, if I’m not trying my best now, Probably never will. I don even know why I keep thinking this through. That won’t make this any better and I know I should just stop and end it now but I’m a fucking idiot and just keep doing it. Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exception a different reaction. I think thats what I’m doing now. This is my own fault, I deserve this. I seriously fucking deserve this.

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