6/18/18

I can’t even begin to explain the amount of hurt and pain I feel right now. I can’t keep fighting the world every second of everyday. I’m trying so hard to stay about water and keep from drowning and I feel like someone just looked at me and left instead of grabbing my hand. I was right, every time I start to get comfortable, the rug gets pulled out from under me and I have to try to rebuild myself and start over. Everyone thinks I can be this rock and always be put on the side and only used when someone wants me. Its not fair. Stop always reminding me I am just a lost puppy. I can’t handle being broke over and over again. Give me a straight black and white answer, not the shit you keep giving me. Guess what. My entire world is crashing just like yours except nobody cares about me since i’m just a lost puppy. I never really matter to anyone. I get taken in and then they see how much responsibility it is to have a puppy and then no longer want me. Screw you for hurting me as much as you saved me. Thanks for constant pain everyday. I shouldn’t have come in the first place because there was no way you were actually gonna help me. Don’t tell me that my parents are taking advantage of me when you are doing the same thing. I let you in and you destroyed me. I should have known better. Everyone will hurt me so I shouldn’t have let myself get comfortable. This is my own fault. Now I’m just alone. I had one place, my house, and I thought I was better than that and now I have fucked up everything. I have never felt safe and I started to and instead you took everything you could. Fuck you parents and cousins for hurting me my entire life and not even being willing to admit it, I hate that you made me feel worthless every single day and always made me feel like one big disappointment. You knew everything going on and you did nothing. You say you will always support me but, what about now? Oh wait..I’m too much of a failure and disappointment for you to actually want me. Sorry I wasn’t perfect for you and now you are stuck with me and can’t figure out where you went wrong. You made me feel bad and never did anything to help. You didn’t care but continued trying to look like some kind of perfect family with no drama where everything is perfectly okay. Do you ever actually say the truth and pain behind this shit or just ask like you don’t understand all of these conversations. Now for you lovely cousins, you can go fuck yourselves too. You though I am now a huge disappointment for not going home on fathers day and who knows, maybe I am, but you have no right to say anything to be because you fucked up worse than me and I should be some kind of wonderful person. For my second parents, I love you both but I’m so pissed at you right now. You knew I needed you and you left me with nothing and had to go focus on something else like I wasn’t even there. If you told me something came up and that you needed to deal with right then, then im fine and cool with that. In stead you all just made me feel like I don’t even matter and I guess that really is your issue.

I kept falling asleep while writing that last part. I guess there are a lot of tings just making me frustrated with the world. I feel like nobody truly cares about me and feeling like that non stop just kind of hurts and leaved an impression. I don’t know how to describe feeling empty in a room full of people. I don’t even know how to express emotions at this point and I have been an emotional person all of my life. I think the worst part is that I know I have all of these emotions and feel them on the inside, but, on the outside, i’m completely numb. What hurts more is knowing certain people in my life can easily see past the numb and they see whats actually going on, but are choosing to only seat from their point of view without considering my feelings. How is that fair? I understand we all have our own struggles in our own lives, but that doesn’t make it okay to then just take your feelings out on the other person, especially when it involves something really personal. Destroying my feelings about my dad dying and completely invalidating all of my emotions hurts so much, especially considering I only come to you for a little support, even as small as a hug, instead you completely crushed my feelings and then decided it would be fun to make it a big deal about what I eat when you know I struggle with food a lot. Honestly, I am being sent into such a depression state at this point that I don’t even know if anyone could pull me out. I understand all off the pain you are going through right now. All of that pain and hurt and anger is valid. I always do my best to be here for you and usually you at least make an effort to listen and support me too. These past few days have been beyond painful for me, and this is the time you have basically just left me on my own and even made things a little worse. I just needed your support and I got none. I forgot how much it hurt when it felt like my entire world is just crushing me. I don’t even know if anyone actually cares about my feelings at this point. What did I do wrong to deserve this? Someone please tell me so then maybe I won’t feel so lost and broken in this world right now. With all of this going on I am starting to question whether or not I actually made the right decision or not. I think I did but either way I have reached the point that I can’t turn back even if I want to. I hope I haven’t really fucked up because I don’t know if I could come back from this if it all turns bad. I would be lying if I said I haven’t really though I wished I could just end my life. Im not saying that I plan to act on it, because I don’t. However, part of me wishes I could. Maybe then all of this hurt and pain would stop. Im not sure how many people would even care at this point. Im just this invisible speck. As you can probably tell through my writing, i’m numb. Its weird how being numb can hurt. I just want all of it to stop. It all really hurts and I just want the pain to stop in whatever way… “the end”

I feel like i’m crying out for help yet nobody hears me. The things is nobody can or will read this. This doesn’t matter, none of this matters. I don’t even matter so who am I kidding. I deserve everything Im getting right now.

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