I sometimes question if I am overthinking or not thinking at all. Everything is always black and white in my eyes. No grey. Its hard to make a decision when I don’t know if I am overthinking or not thinking enough. I see motivation and laziness the same way, black and white. I get frustrated with myself as I try to see the difference between lack of motivation and laziness in myself. When I look at the two, I feel they are very different yet when I try to think of exact reasons, I can describe very few. The other issue I face is the huge difference in others versus myself.I always give others the benefit of the doubt but, I am my own worst critique.

I was asked to move into my “second family’s” home. This is something I think I have been overthinking yet, not thinking productively about. I seem to think about this over and over thus just causing myself unnecessary stress instead of slowing my thinking and trying to make sense of what I want to do. I also struggle to differentiate what I am doing for myself versus what I am doing for others, primarily my parents. When I think about moving in with my “second family”, my initial thought is that I want to. I won’t have to pay for food or gas, no rent or utility bills, and they will pay me to help around the house. Moving in would almost be like a job in the sense of money. If I think about it in a personal way, I see it as a way to gain confidence, fend for myself, ask for and receive support and keep myself safe. When I really think about it, there are many pro’s to moving in with them. When I think about the con’s however, I don’t know if these are my thoughts and feelings, or my parents. I wonder if moving in with them would be too big of a step and very overwhelming for me, or if these are my parents thoughts, (primarily my mom’s) running through my head. It makes me questions what are actually my thoughts and what are my parent’s views. I know my parents and I can have the same view on something but, with many things I have a gut feeling I don’t share these same views with them. I sometimes struggle with this same issue when it comes to money. I worry that moving out of my parents house would mean they will no longer support me financially and that I would not be able to support myself. I know that right now I am reliant on my parents to help support me but, I know I allow them to control me because of my money. My parents tend to hold money over me, causing my to start seeing their point of view and change my thoughts to match theirs. The thing is, I can’t blame any of this on my parents because I am old enough to go and get a job and help to support myself financially. I know there is nothing physically stopping my from trying to get a job to support myself yet I sit in my home actions as if I can’t get a job when I haven’t even really tried. This is where I get lost as to if this is lack of motivation stopping me from trying to get a job or simple laziness. I always end up thinking about suicide because I don’t want to face my own life or work but, I don’t know or understand my own reasoning behind it, whether it be lack of motivation or laziness. I know I feel this way partly due to depression which took a lot of my sense of pleasure and motivation away. I don’t know if I have too little motivation to continue living life or if I just don’t want to put in the effort it takes to live life even when it gets hard. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore as I make such a change and realization in my thoughts and actions. Going back to the possibility of moving in with my second family, I think there are some con’s to moving in and pro’s to staying in my own room at home. While many of the pro’s I am aware are my own thoughts, and the con’s are many of my families thoughts, I still sometimes start to overthink it. I am so scared of making this wrong decision that I then won’t make any decision at all. I get in the way of my own well-being and then get frustrated even though its my own fault. I am always looking for a escape instead of a way to deal with my own thoughts. I’m simply running away from what I have been through even though it will just follow my wherever I go. If I want them to go away forever then I need to face them and work through them which is easier said than done. I think I am just scared of remembering what happened and feeling like I am going through these events all over again. I always just want to pretend that my past didn’t happen, then I won’t be as broken as I am now. I think part of me sees all of this like “if it didn’t happen” ➡️”I won’t be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I don’t have any valid reason to be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I deserve this pain because it is my own fault”➡️”Beating myself up and punishing myself for these feelings is deserved”➡️”I’m worthless”. This is what everything comes down to, feeling completely worthless all day, everyday. I put myself through constant pain because I am used to being comfortable with the pain. Feeling like I have worth is new to me and something I am not used to so I have to learn how to feeling this way. Its scary. I just don’t know if I am ready for such a big change in my life but, I don’t know if I will ever actually be ready. Maybe Jeff is right, maybe I just need a push to get started and go from there, I see it as like a little jump start to a car except, its me. I want to push myself but, every time I try I feel like something is holding me back. I’m so good at seeing everything in black and white but, now my entire world is grey.

I guess a major fear of mine is facing my parents knowing moving here would mean I can never self harm again and I would never be able to kill myself. I would never do anything that would impact the kids in a negative way like that. I love this family and am so thankful for them. I don’t think I have ever been somewhat comfortable admitting I am suicidal or any type of danger to myself. I feel safe with hem, which is a feeling I love even though its kinda scary. I just want to feel safe. Will I ever feel truly safe with myself? Or will I always be relying on someone to save me in a way? I just want to feel safe and okay, even when I might now be. Maybe then I will stop having suicidal thoughts.

I have been thinking about this a lot but never actually started doing it. I want to write a suicide note to the world. Not individual people, and not doing it as a first step towards suicide, but just something to make me think about what I am truly feeling inside behind all of my emotions. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I am slightly scared I will talk myself into suicide. Especially since I have already been thinking about it even without having suicide notes for everyone. Here I go.

“Dear World,

We have had a complicated relationship from the start. From abuse, to bullying, to being consider a outsider in a way, you have always pushed my limits. I feel like we are at a constant war and I keep trying to push back but, I can’t. I am tied to the floor while you are completely free. I know the world isn’t fair but, sometimes I just wish the world would actually support me instead of always pushing me down. What did I do to you that you decided I deserve this life? Why do you always push me closer and closer to suicide? You have always had a plan for me, did you plan for me to commit suicide before I turn 21? Maybe the reason I so badly want to end my life is to say “fuck you” in a way, you can no longer hurt me. You are the reason I want to end my life, and you will be the reason I DO end my life. I will kill myself and its all because you never gave me a minute to breathe. You put me through abuse my entire life, let me be bullied everyday, you put me through decision someone my age should never have to make. I am been selfish by ending my life like this and I am okay with being selfish this time.”

I can’t even put into words how much I honestly wish I could write individual suicide notes. I am tired of living and going through this pain every single day when I did nothing to deserve this pain. Why can’t I just kill myself and end this hurt? Why do I not even have control over my own life? How is this fair? I guess the issue is that I can still end my life if I really wan’t to. I don’t plan to but realistically I have the option to. I know I shouldn’t be thankful I at least have the option to attempt if I really want to, but unfortunately, I am. I’m slightly scared to be honest. I want to live even thought so much of me wants to die.  I hate feeling like I am crying for help but, someone please save me. I am trying so hard to save myself and so many time I do but, right now I just don’t know if I can do this completely on my own. I don’t know if this is a fight I can fight all on my own. I hate feeling worthless and vulnerable because I am asking for help like this. I don’t want to feel even more weak. I’m scared and handling this is the worst feeling I ever have when it comes to this. Im not okay but, I’m okay. Take that message as you wish. Just know I am broken and fragile right now. Im sorry for putting this on you but, if you are reading this then you know I actually trust you to help me, and know when I need to stop being pushed and just be held in place.

One thought on “6/4/18

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