6/7/18

My body image isn’t something I talk about often, mainly because of the reaction I receive. Everyone views body image as something on the outside but, what if body image is really on the outside? Then what? Does that mean we can no longer give each other compliments to help boost someones self esteem and confidence? I personally don’t think that’s really what it means. I think there is more to body image than just out physical appearance. Just because we may benefit or physically be healthy, doesn’t mean we can’t have a bad body image. Our body image is our view of ourselves, whether it is realistic or not.

Starting yesterday, I am cross tracking with the eating disorder program (ED). I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I figured it would just be set up kind of like lecture however, I was very wrong. The first portion we did was Q+A which gave us all the time to ask a question for the dietician there. This I found really helpful and informative. I think this was a great ‘first impression’ to part of the program. I thought this was going to be the full two hours. Instead at 10:45 we had to ‘snack’ which was really scary to do and pushed me way outside my comfort zone. We have to eat something, can’t look at the nutritional facts, and can’t skip. We have certain options of what we can eat and we have to participate whether we like it or not. Looking at it now, its probably a good thing we are required to eat because otherwise, majority of us wouldn’t. This is still scary for me since this was my first time and I had no option as to whether or not to eat. The last portion of ED was skills group for body image. This is by far what bothered me most about the entire thing. I was so scared of judgement that I barely learned the program. Judgement is one thing that is really difficult to me yet many parents don’t understand why I can’t just completely start eating and be normal. I didn’t chose this so don’t treat me like I did. I got bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life by both people at school and at home. I still think about it to see if you are all even good for me in the slightest. Majority of me thinks that if the negative people in your life are family, you don’t have any other option that to suck it up and deal with them. The other side of me believes I should immediately leave if being around these people are negative, even if they are family. They have the choice not to be negative yet, they are still being negative, its all  a decision and you have to do whats best for you. Going back to the eating topic, the body image portion of ED was so difficult because it not only had me writing what my negative thoughts were but, also written the reason behind them.

Sooo… my favorite pen ran out of ink….its a very sad day. Also, I think (maybe) I am getting my appetite back, and now that I have gone so ling without it, I don’t want it back. I have lost 23 pounds now and I am slowly getting happy with what I look like. I know its not healthy how I lost the weight but, my body is adjusting and I don’t want to stop. Its not like I have a full blown eating disorder, others I would commit fully to change. I don’t see that much wrong with only eating one mean a day. I eat mean and other food categories to get the vitamins I need. I know I should be eating more, I guess its just hard when I don’t think I have a issue. I don’t want to admit I am semi using this as self harm because then it almost feels like I haven’t actually been clean from self harm, I have just switched ways. I want to be healthy, I do, I just don’t want to disappoint myself even more than I already do. I wish I could just be normal, be like the pretty girls who eat like everything and gain no weight, or even a girl who never eats and loses weight. I just want to be good enough for once instead of always feeling like I am a worthless failure. Will I ever be good enough for myself or others? Do I even matter anymore? If I can eat and hate every part of my body then I can easily not eat and act like everything is okay. My body can easily manage and function and understand what I see. I get one mean per day and now they want me to be at three means a day with two or three snacks. I haven’t been like that ever and now I have to go from zero to three means with snacks. How am I supposed to do this? How do I do this especially when I don’t even really know if I am really ready to fully recover. I don’t want to be self sabotaging even more than I probably already am, but I don’t know if full recovery is the point I am at right now. I feel like I should constantly say I am at zero days clean but, not everyone considers restricting at self harm. Its on a fine line. I wish I could see what others see, maybe then it would be easier going through program. Honestly, this program has pushed me to my limits and that will be really good in the end but right now it really sucks.

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