6/20/18

Wondering how my day is going? Well I started the day at midnight by not sleeping so Kiley and I stayed up til like 4am watching Netflix before we fell asleep and woke up at 1pm to two kids, two dogs, and on adult in addition to me and Kiley in the bed. I admit I wasn’t real happy about it. However, I also realized I slept through therapy so that sucked. I was able to reschedule but it just makes me frustrated with myself because I can’t keep sleeping til late now that I have to be awake early in the mornings again. I need to be responsible and right now I’m not. I feel like I’m just letting myself down in everything I do. I feel like I’m letting others down also. I just never feel like I’m good enough for others or myself. I just keep going over everything in my head and I can’t even see what I did right over what I did wrong. I know the majority of all of this is just because I’m overthinking, but at some point, maybe the part of me that is overthinking is right. My mom keeps texting me and I’m not responding to any of them because I don’t even know ¬†what to say in response. I know I fucked up in someways but, I also did right. I just know they see it as all I do is wrong and that’s hard for me. I don’t want to completely ruin my relationship with my parents. I still love them and I do feel bad for putting them through this at such a bad time. I wish I could go back and change the way I did some things so I wouldn’t be so hurt about what is currently happening. The worst part right now is realizing when I left my Grandma, that’s when she started to get really sick and now I just left my Dad and he’s getting really sick. My heart just broke even more inside now. I didn’t even realize this but, its so true. It’s like the exact same thing. My Dad’s cancer might be growing and this is going on right when I am leaving. He might be dying even sooner yet I’m leaving them and being a terrible daughter. Did I do the wrong thing? Is this a sign? Am I seriously doing this a second time? What’s wrong with me that I am doing this to them. This can’t be my fault… is this my fault? Maybe this is all god’s way of warning me this is the wrong decision. Everything with Jeff and Kristy to my cousins to now my Dad. Maybe this is his way of giving me a sign. What should I do now? I can’t just go back, I can’t just leave here. I can’t do both families at once. Can I really do any of this? Wow, I might be doing the completely wrong thing. I can’t even deny this possibly being my fault. I hate seeing in black and white because the sis when I need to be able to see in grey and I can’t. What do I do wrong because I really don’t know. I mean, what did I do to deserve my Dad getting sick right when I leave jut like my Grandma. I always blame myself for what happened with grandma so how do I not blame myself for this too? I really messed up didn’t I?… I know there is nothing I can do to go back and change the current and future. I feel trapped like I have gone from being a lost puppy on the streets to being captured by animal control, trapped, and not being able to really do anything yet I’m still alone. I’m always alone and maybe I always will be. Maybe this was my last chance. I am disappointed in myself now because I know I’m better than this yet I still keep coming and doing the same dumb shit. I can’t even be mad at anyone else for this because it’s all my fault. What if I would have never gotten involved with this family? Things would be so different and maybe I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now. Please god, don’t let anything happen to my dad, especially not because of me. I would never wish this on him. This isn’t fair, none of it, yet it keeps going on. I really messed up, I don’t think I can even come back from this. I always try to show myself as having my life together and being okay but, that honestly couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so broken but I went through a hospital program for almost two months so I should have my life together.

I went home to pick up my meds mainly and then my blanket and pillow. I was hoping my mom wouldn’t be home even though I knew dad would be. My mom was home though and when I went to my room she came in and told me again that Dad’s CT came back clear. His MRI at Huntley is at 9am and we should know by Monday what the results are and what the next steps will be. I’m really scared it is going to be something cancer related because his pain is getting worse and worse everyday. I do feel bad for leaving at such a bad time. This wasn’t my intentions at all. I blame myself completely though. I wish I knew whether or not this is truly my fault. I just need to know.

I keep cumin back to this similarity between the situation with grandma and now the situation with dad. It just keeps playing through my head and I keep trying to make more sense of it and I ca’t. I’m frustrated with myself.

6/19/18

If you think i’m going to back down then you are very wrong. I’m strong and I refuse to let you hurt me. I can and will get through this no matter how much it may hurt. I’m strong. If you think you can completely control me the you are wrong. I am more than a lost puppy, I am more than a broken girl. Call me what you want, treat me how you want, I will never change who I am for you. I am far from perfect and that is okay. I will never be perfect because nothing is ever perfect. This life isn’t mine if I pretend to be something I’m not. Yes, I make mistakes but guess what, we all do. I might be making the wrong decision in the life but at least its my own decision. I would rather be completely disappointed in my own decisions than be disappointed in myself for someone else decisions. If im not authentic to myself than who am I? I have always been this fake person and now I think its my time to find who I really am without all of the pressure from others. I can either fight for myself or give up but, if I give up, I won’t make it much longer. I deserve more for myself. I don’t have to do anything to deserve it, I am human and deserve a good life just like anyone else. Its been hard starting to teach myself all of this but, I can slowly but surely as long as I keep reminding myself. I got this far so I know I can make it even farther. Everything is a work in progress I think. Change doesn’t;t just happen in one day no matter how much I wish it did.. change starts in one day but must continue to make a impact. “Im on the outside always looking in”- Dear Evan Hansen. This quote is so simple yet it resinates deep inside me because this is exactly how I feel. That quote is the definition of feeling like a lost puppy. I am not a lost puppy, it is not my identity, but I do feel like one. Something I do or feel doesn’t decide my identity unless I decide it does. Nobody can decide who I am for me, only myself. Yes, sometimes I will reach out for support and want to feel supported and cared for and about but, if I open myself up to you like that then I am really vulnerable and nobody has any right to take that from me. I guess thats why im still a little hurt from yesterday. I was vulnerable and you didn’t even bother to think about how I might be feeling before sharing your own opinion. I helped support yo all day and I got nothing in the small moment I needed it. I needed love and support, not just some emotionless and meaningless opinion. I still do get hurt sometime no matter how hard I try to fight it. Im human and thats okay, but I will not and do not ever deserve to be treated like I am worthless. I matter even if I am not always ready to admit it. I look into the future with no clue as to what is going to happen. Nobody can predict the future so I might as well focus on now since this I can still control. I still have power over now and I refuse to give up that power all over again.

I can’t even begin to explain in words how annoyed I am right now. I can usually just like keep myself calm but I am tired of being treated and spoken to like shit by a six year old. I deserve better than that. I am literally leaving g basically my entire family right now but I have to deal with all the bullshit here too. I am calling this place home yet i’m hidings in Kiley’s room to be away from all of the drama for a while. I don’t even know what I want to do right now. I just want to get away from everything in my entire life. I want the restart button so I can start from the beginning knowing what I know now. People don’t understand what is going through my brain, My brain is beyond complex and nobody understands why I do things the way I do. I can get frustrated easily and I can’t release it by just being angry about shit. I can’t feel anger like that, I can’t express that frustration. I just keep it bottled up until it reaches a max and I break down. That is so frustrating for me because that isn’t how I want to deal with my emotions and everything i’m feeling. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated and basically hating my life. Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I just end up broken. There is never any good outcomes for me. I am so tired of everything right now and it shouldn’t be like that. None of this should be the way it is right now. I feel like I’m almost living a hidden life right now which really isn’t fair. I honestly feel like I’m living a completely fake life. Who am I? Someone please tell me because I can’t figure this out anymore. I don’t know if I need help or if I want help. I just need to have a new life that maybe I won’t hate. I feel like I’m lost in my own head and can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. “Help me, I’m crawling in my skin”- Shawn Mendes. I love this quote for one simple reason. That quote is what keeps going through my head non-stop.

I can’t do any of this anymore. This is my break-in point. I keep trying so hard to get through all of this and I simply can’t keep trying to push myself through all of this. I’m at my break-in point right now. I feel like I’m hated no matter where I go. I’m so tired of everything and just want it all to stop. I don’t even want to be alive so why should I want to just be annoying to others? Nobody actually wants me anymore. This family took me in while they didn’t completely know me and all of my issues and now I know they don’t want me here anymore but, they won’t just kick me out.