6/19/18

If you think i’m going to back down then you are very wrong. I’m strong and I refuse to let you hurt me. I can and will get through this no matter how much it may hurt. I’m strong. If you think you can completely control me the you are wrong. I am more than a lost puppy, I am more than a broken girl. Call me what you want, treat me how you want, I will never change who I am for you. I am far from perfect and that is okay. I will never be perfect because nothing is ever perfect. This life isn’t mine if I pretend to be something I’m not. Yes, I make mistakes but guess what, we all do. I might be making the wrong decision in the life but at least its my own decision. I would rather be completely disappointed in my own decisions than be disappointed in myself for someone else decisions. If im not authentic to myself than who am I? I have always been this fake person and now I think its my time to find who I really am without all of the pressure from others. I can either fight for myself or give up but, if I give up, I won’t make it much longer. I deserve more for myself. I don’t have to do anything to deserve it, I am human and deserve a good life just like anyone else. Its been hard starting to teach myself all of this but, I can slowly but surely as long as I keep reminding myself. I got this far so I know I can make it even farther. Everything is a work in progress I think. Change doesn’t;t just happen in one day no matter how much I wish it did.. change starts in one day but must continue to make a impact. “Im on the outside always looking in”- Dear Evan Hansen. This quote is so simple yet it resinates deep inside me because this is exactly how I feel. That quote is the definition of feeling like a lost puppy. I am not a lost puppy, it is not my identity, but I do feel like one. Something I do or feel doesn’t decide my identity unless I decide it does. Nobody can decide who I am for me, only myself. Yes, sometimes I will reach out for support and want to feel supported and cared for and about but, if I open myself up to you like that then I am really vulnerable and nobody has any right to take that from me. I guess thats why im still a little hurt from yesterday. I was vulnerable and you didn’t even bother to think about how I might be feeling before sharing your own opinion. I helped support yo all day and I got nothing in the small moment I needed it. I needed love and support, not just some emotionless and meaningless opinion. I still do get hurt sometime no matter how hard I try to fight it. Im human and thats okay, but I will not and do not ever deserve to be treated like I am worthless. I matter even if I am not always ready to admit it. I look into the future with no clue as to what is going to happen. Nobody can predict the future so I might as well focus on now since this I can still control. I still have power over now and I refuse to give up that power all over again.

I can’t even begin to explain in words how annoyed I am right now. I can usually just like keep myself calm but I am tired of being treated and spoken to like shit by a six year old. I deserve better than that. I am literally leaving g basically my entire family right now but I have to deal with all the bullshit here too. I am calling this place home yet i’m hidings in Kiley’s room to be away from all of the drama for a while. I don’t even know what I want to do right now. I just want to get away from everything in my entire life. I want the restart button so I can start from the beginning knowing what I know now. People don’t understand what is going through my brain, My brain is beyond complex and nobody understands why I do things the way I do. I can get frustrated easily and I can’t release it by just being angry about shit. I can’t feel anger like that, I can’t express that frustration. I just keep it bottled up until it reaches a max and I break down. That is so frustrating for me because that isn’t how I want to deal with my emotions and everything i’m feeling. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated and basically hating my life. Why is it that no matter what I do or where I go I just end up broken. There is never any good outcomes for me. I am so tired of everything right now and it shouldn’t be like that. None of this should be the way it is right now. I feel like I’m almost living a hidden life right now which really isn’t fair. I honestly feel like I’m living a completely fake life. Who am I? Someone please tell me because I can’t figure this out anymore. I don’t know if I need help or if I want help. I just need to have a new life that maybe I won’t hate. I feel like I’m lost in my own head and can’t seem to escape no matter what I do. “Help me, I’m crawling in my skin”- Shawn Mendes. I love this quote for one simple reason. That quote is what keeps going through my head non-stop.

I can’t do any of this anymore. This is my break-in point. I keep trying so hard to get through all of this and I simply can’t keep trying to push myself through all of this. I’m at my break-in point right now. I feel like I’m hated no matter where I go. I’m so tired of everything and just want it all to stop. I don’t even want to be alive so why should I want to just be annoying to others? Nobody actually wants me anymore. This family took me in while they didn’t completely know me and all of my issues and now I know they don’t want me here anymore but, they won’t just kick me out.

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