6/20/18

Wondering how my day is going? Well I started the day at midnight by not sleeping so Kiley and I stayed up til like 4am watching Netflix before we fell asleep and woke up at 1pm to two kids, two dogs, and on adult in addition to me and Kiley in the bed. I admit I wasn’t real happy about it. However, I also realized I slept through therapy so that sucked. I was able to reschedule but it just makes me frustrated with myself because I can’t keep sleeping til late now that I have to be awake early in the mornings again. I need to be responsible and right now I’m not. I feel like I’m just letting myself down in everything I do. I feel like I’m letting others down also. I just never feel like I’m good enough for others or myself. I just keep going over everything in my head and I can’t even see what I did right over what I did wrong. I know the majority of all of this is just because I’m overthinking, but at some point, maybe the part of me that is overthinking is right. My mom keeps texting me and I’m not responding to any of them because I don’t even know  what to say in response. I know I fucked up in someways but, I also did right. I just know they see it as all I do is wrong and that’s hard for me. I don’t want to completely ruin my relationship with my parents. I still love them and I do feel bad for putting them through this at such a bad time. I wish I could go back and change the way I did some things so I wouldn’t be so hurt about what is currently happening. The worst part right now is realizing when I left my Grandma, that’s when she started to get really sick and now I just left my Dad and he’s getting really sick. My heart just broke even more inside now. I didn’t even realize this but, its so true. It’s like the exact same thing. My Dad’s cancer might be growing and this is going on right when I am leaving. He might be dying even sooner yet I’m leaving them and being a terrible daughter. Did I do the wrong thing? Is this a sign? Am I seriously doing this a second time? What’s wrong with me that I am doing this to them. This can’t be my fault… is this my fault? Maybe this is all god’s way of warning me this is the wrong decision. Everything with Jeff and Kristy to my cousins to now my Dad. Maybe this is his way of giving me a sign. What should I do now? I can’t just go back, I can’t just leave here. I can’t do both families at once. Can I really do any of this? Wow, I might be doing the completely wrong thing. I can’t even deny this possibly being my fault. I hate seeing in black and white because the sis when I need to be able to see in grey and I can’t. What do I do wrong because I really don’t know. I mean, what did I do to deserve my Dad getting sick right when I leave jut like my Grandma. I always blame myself for what happened with grandma so how do I not blame myself for this too? I really messed up didn’t I?… I know there is nothing I can do to go back and change the current and future. I feel trapped like I have gone from being a lost puppy on the streets to being captured by animal control, trapped, and not being able to really do anything yet I’m still alone. I’m always alone and maybe I always will be. Maybe this was my last chance. I am disappointed in myself now because I know I’m better than this yet I still keep coming and doing the same dumb shit. I can’t even be mad at anyone else for this because it’s all my fault. What if I would have never gotten involved with this family? Things would be so different and maybe I wouldn’t be going through any of this right now. Please god, don’t let anything happen to my dad, especially not because of me. I would never wish this on him. This isn’t fair, none of it, yet it keeps going on. I really messed up, I don’t think I can even come back from this. I always try to show myself as having my life together and being okay but, that honestly couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so broken but I went through a hospital program for almost two months so I should have my life together.

I went home to pick up my meds mainly and then my blanket and pillow. I was hoping my mom wouldn’t be home even though I knew dad would be. My mom was home though and when I went to my room she came in and told me again that Dad’s CT came back clear. His MRI at Huntley is at 9am and we should know by Monday what the results are and what the next steps will be. I’m really scared it is going to be something cancer related because his pain is getting worse and worse everyday. I do feel bad for leaving at such a bad time. This wasn’t my intentions at all. I blame myself completely though. I wish I knew whether or not this is truly my fault. I just need to know.

I keep cumin back to this similarity between the situation with grandma and now the situation with dad. It just keeps playing through my head and I keep trying to make more sense of it and I ca’t. I’m frustrated with myself.

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