7/10/18

So last night was my first night home in about a week. It was nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Yesterday ended up being really hard to deal with. My boss, Laura, called me into her office and made a comment about me being late one day and calling into work one day. I made up the day I was late and one additional hour so I only missed three hours for the week. She asked if I was really ready to be back. I obviously said yes but it annoyed me that Barb was in the office during the talk. Like I feel I at least deserved the respect of the talk being just us. I guess that combined with my feelings with Jeff and Kristy is just a little too much I guess. I think writing about it yesterday helped some but I ended up really wanting to self harm again which kind of scared me to be honest. Its really frustrating just feeling like even when im starting to get a little better, then everything will just end up crashing around me again. I keep taking the Kristy’s journal thing pretty hard. I just always though she really liked me and now Im finding out that isn’t the case and its really hard to cope with. I have therapy tomorrow and I just feel like I can’t even be fully honest about stuff because I already lied to her once and im like scared of being judged by her now even though logically that she would never judge me. This is what always gets me into through, my logical side of my brain versus my emotional side of my brain. I just want to be……..

NORMAL

I don’t really know if there is any such thing as being normal when it comes to people. We all have out issues and flaws but thats part of life. I don’t think anyone has a completely flawless life. Im probably trying to be something that is impossible to even be. I think maybe its the depression that tells me I will never be normal. Maybe thats exactly what i’m doing. I want to live a life without emotional pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, ADHD. Does everyone go through stuff like this? Just wish I could make sense of it all. I feel like maybe there is no way to make life be better. Maybe this is just what life is like, maybe its not this wonderful thing I tend to think it is. I wish there was a good and exact answer to it all but there really isn’t. I don’t get the answers that I long for. Every time I think about not being as good as I thought it would be I just want to find a release usually by suicide or self harm which I can’t do. So here I am writing, hoping to express all of the emotions I have that I keep bottled up inside. I know its really unhealthy to keep it all inside but I continue to because I feel like I am all alone now that I fucked up the few relationships I have had. I could maybe still talk with my therapist about it but I already lied to her about how I met Jeff and Kristy so I risk the truth possibly coming out about that. I wish I wasn’t scared of judgement because maybe then my life would be completely different. Im always doing what the other person wants to do first while putting myself last. Im just this little speck and I have to grow but I can only do that if I am completely open and honest about what I feel. I can’t keep hiding like this where I just have to stay isolated and am completely alone. Maybe this falls a little into the self sabotage area. I don’t like myself so this is probably the easiest thing for me. I know something is wrong so I might as well just give up and start off again later. Obviously I am really tired because I am not thinking logically in the slightest. Its sometimes strange because I think really in depth into something and then get determined to get the answer even though I know there isn’t any. What is life really supposed to be like? I know there will always be goods and bars but how much good versus bad should there normally be?I just want to make sense of my own brain and the world. I don’t know if I will ever manage to do it but I might as well hold hope to understand my brain someday.

Normal:

Adjective. Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual ; not abnormal ; regular ; natural.

I read that definition and trying to apply it to real life is a entirely new level of complex. Think about it. What is technically considered normal? Is having multiple kids normal? Is having some type of mental illness normal? Is being happy on a daily basis more than sad normal? Does anyone know what is actually considered normal? This is exactly my issue because I want to be normal but nobody even really knows what normal is when it comes to being human. Im trying to do something impossible while logically knowing I am setting myself up for failure. I never really actually thought about it until now. I have always hoped to be normal.

So I did a thing tonight. I told Kristy all of my feelings about everything and I almost cried doing it. I told her about all my fear of judgement and everything including in that the fear of eating in front of people, never being good enough and sometimes still shutting down, wanting to run away because I am so scared of what everyone thinks of me. I also told her about my feelings regarding the Jack situation. I admitted that I am really scared of him and I keep having nightmares about him finding me and losing it again. She is the first person I have told that I am feeling this way to. I also told her about my new kind of suicidal thoughts which have been really scaring me lately if im honest. Like obviously I have thought about this stuff before but these are different. Its like I can see myself cutting even though i’m not doing it. I guess its just hard to talk about. I don’t know why this is happening like this. Plus I have been slowly thinking about suicide again which is really scary to be dealing with again because I know part of me still wants to do it. I just want to be okay.

7/9/18

I haven’t really wrote in a while, and that never has a good result so here I am. Depressed. Sitting in a pile of emotional hurt that seems to just keep growing. I want to run from it but every time it catches me it doubles in size. Its a constant fight of trying to keep it from taking over. The worse this pile grows, the worse the urges get. I was lucky for a while and didn’t have too many urges but, lately they have started coming back. I’m slowly feeling like i’m drowning again. There are so many good things going on around me yet the worst things are the ones going through my head non-stop. Right now I know I need to vent to Kristy but the issues i’m dealing with both involve her and Jeff so I’m all alone in this one. I haven’t even been fully honest with my Melissa and because of that I can’t even tell her about this. I feel like I kept fucking up and now here I am but, I can’t blame anyone else because it is still technically my fault. Plus I feel sorry for myself which is total crap because I have no right to feel bad for myself. I need to just get over it all but I feel like I should be able to just forget it all even though logically I know that is absolutely impossible. I have to actually work through this even when I really don’t want to. Mainly because its a constant pain that gets worse while i’m in the process of working through it. I just want all of the pain to stop and it never really does. I want to cut again. I feel like a terrible person every time I write that but this is the only place I can be completely honest. Its really frustrating wanting to cut again. It seems like such a simple things which just makes me want it more. I keep thinking about taking a knife and doing it on my arms and I feel like I can actually see it. Almost like a video set on repeat that I can’t seem to escape from. I just want it to stop. How do I make them stop? I should probably explain the reasoning behind all of this. Writing this is going to hurt but its the only way I am gonna be able to get through it. I guess that first one I will start with is the Jack situation. I didn’t really thing it affected me that but I guess I was wrong because Nana came to pick up Nathan a week or two ago and Jack was sitting in the car and I was beyond terrified of him. Then when everyone went to the dells, including Jack, I was so scared of him and having nightmares when I have been through terrible stuff like this before. I’m 20, been through a lot, and am not even related to anyone here so I feel like I have no reason to be affected by it. I feel like i’m weak for being hurt by this kind of stuff when i’m 20. I just feel like I should be more mature. I don’t know if thats just me being too hard on myself or if its true. I always try to be mature but I feel like that the last thing i’m doing. I guess that bring me to the next thing. So while everyone was at the dells, I was cleaning the entire house. At one point I was going to clean the room downstairs and I opened the closet to see if there were clothes to be folded and in one of the drawers was Kristy’s journal. I opened the first page and I saw my name so I was a bad person and kept reading. Basically, everything said Kristy didn’t like me because Jeff gave me more attention then he gave her and she figured he was going to have an affair with me and she didn’t want me here anymore. She literally hated me and I am beyond upset and hurt about it. I thought she always loved me but I was so wrong and now I kind of need her because i’m hurting so bad and I just need someone to help keep lee safe but I feel like I can’t go to her now that I know this. Does she even like me now? Should I just leave everything here and never come back? I don’t know what to do now or how to process it all. I have no where to even go anymore. I’ve fucked up everything I had and now I don’t even want to fight through any of it. Why is the world so unfair? Why do I have to screw up everything good thing I have. I always set myself up for failure. As if all of that isn’t enough, me and my mom talked and my dad only has months to live. But I fucked that up too, because thats the only thing I can actually manage to do. Someone please just make this pain stop. I wish I could just go get a knife and cut right now. Im done. Im so hurt right now. I could just take too many pills. Whats wrong with me that this is what I am thinking about right now. Fuck.

7/3/18

There are very few time I openly admit I have a crush on someone. Usually the only time I talk about it is because I cannot hide it anymore, I guess this is one of those times. Brandon. I went to high school with him but we didn’t talk too much after he graduated. I wish we did, because I had really liked him, I was just too scared to say it. I honestly never though he would like a girl like me. I can’t say this is the first time this thought has gotten me into trouble though. I guess the actually problem is how much I constantly overthink. No matter how much I may like someone, I will never believe they will actually like me back for longer than a day or two. I never see myself as good enough, and I’m pretty confident any guy wouldn’t want to deal with someone like me. Its not easy dating a girl with not only CPTSD, but also MDD, GAD, ADHD, and Panic Disorder, oh and can’t forget the OCD tendencies. Im broken and there is no way to completely fix me. I don’t have much control over any of this either. Im powerless in my own skin, Plus, nobody wants to learn how to be with someone who self harms and has suicidal thoughts. Im usually more of a bother than someone who is fun to be around. The thing is, if you haven’t been in the shoes of someone with depression or anxiety before, its easy to get frustrated with someone dealing with these. Nobody knows this can just break us more than we are already broken. I am beyond sensitive and if you tell me I am, I will overthink it and get hurt and upset. If you tell me I did something wrong, I will automatically assume you no longer like me and I am a complete failure. I will think at least once a day that you hate me, thing I am ugly, thing I am fat, wish I would just leave or diappear, and so on. This is actually really hard for me to go through. I will always assume you don’t actually like me and that my world is going to crash at any second. I always thing of the worst case scenario. In my defense, usually the worst case scenario is the once that comes true for me. I suck at making decisions and I will constantly need reassurance about stuff. I take everything beyond personally. There will be days you will not be able to make me smile. There will be days I want to feel up to doing anything. I will assume you think i’m lazy and that i’m annoying you. I will constantly flinch, I will get really shy, I can’t do anything sexual like everyone else. Everything will scare me and I will shut down sometimes. Please know, none of this is your fault. I have scars and I don’t always feel comfortable in my own body. Some things I want to do and I will make it clear not to push me. I promise I don’t completely suck, I try to be a good person, I just struggle because I see the world completely different than most. Eventually you will learn all of my triggers and basically my life story. I understand if you decide you don’t like me and down want to learn all of this about me. Just tell me. If you don’t want to help me through being suicidal or wanting to self harm, thats fine. Just tell me. I will always assume I am doing something wrong. I am awful at taking hints sometimes. I am really mellow and get scared easily. And my face turns red when I get embarrassed. I will probably hide behind you at some point. I have the body image of a sad squirrel. I also write like all day. I’m a dork, I know. Trust me when I say this though, I really fricken like you and I hope I don’t lose someone as great as you. I am so excited to go out with you tonight.