7/10/18

So last night was my first night home in about a week. It was nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Yesterday ended up being really hard to deal with. My boss, Laura, called me into her office and made a comment about me being late one day and calling into work one day. I made up the day I was late and one additional hour so I only missed three hours for the week. She asked if I was really ready to be back. I obviously said yes but it annoyed me that Barb was in the office during the talk. Like I feel I at least deserved the respect of the talk being just us. I guess that combined with my feelings with Jeff and Kristy is just a little too much I guess. I think writing about it yesterday helped some but I ended up really wanting to self harm again which kind of scared me to be honest. Its really frustrating just feeling like even when im starting to get a little better, then everything will just end up crashing around me again. I keep taking the Kristy’s journal thing pretty hard. I just always though she really liked me and now Im finding out that isn’t the case and its really hard to cope with. I have therapy tomorrow and I just feel like I can’t even be fully honest about stuff because I already lied to her once and im like scared of being judged by her now even though logically that she would never judge me. This is what always gets me into through, my logical side of my brain versus my emotional side of my brain. I just want to be……..

NORMAL

I don’t really know if there is any such thing as being normal when it comes to people. We all have out issues and flaws but thats part of life. I don’t think anyone has a completely flawless life. Im probably trying to be something that is impossible to even be. I think maybe its the depression that tells me I will never be normal. Maybe thats exactly what i’m doing. I want to live a life without emotional pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, ADHD. Does everyone go through stuff like this? Just wish I could make sense of it all. I feel like maybe there is no way to make life be better. Maybe this is just what life is like, maybe its not this wonderful thing I tend to think it is. I wish there was a good and exact answer to it all but there really isn’t. I don’t get the answers that I long for. Every time I think about not being as good as I thought it would be I just want to find a release usually by suicide or self harm which I can’t do. So here I am writing, hoping to express all of the emotions I have that I keep bottled up inside. I know its really unhealthy to keep it all inside but I continue to because I feel like I am all alone now that I fucked up the few relationships I have had. I could maybe still talk with my therapist about it but I already lied to her about how I met Jeff and Kristy so I risk the truth possibly coming out about that. I wish I wasn’t scared of judgement because maybe then my life would be completely different. Im always doing what the other person wants to do first while putting myself last. Im just this little speck and I have to grow but I can only do that if I am completely open and honest about what I feel. I can’t keep hiding like this where I just have to stay isolated and am completely alone. Maybe this falls a little into the self sabotage area. I don’t like myself so this is probably the easiest thing for me. I know something is wrong so I might as well just give up and start off again later. Obviously I am really tired because I am not thinking logically in the slightest. Its sometimes strange because I think really in depth into something and then get determined to get the answer even though I know there isn’t any. What is life really supposed to be like? I know there will always be goods and bars but how much good versus bad should there normally be?I just want to make sense of my own brain and the world. I don’t know if I will ever manage to do it but I might as well hold hope to understand my brain someday.

Normal:

Adjective. Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual ; not abnormal ; regular ; natural.

I read that definition and trying to apply it to real life is a entirely new level of complex. Think about it. What is technically considered normal? Is having multiple kids normal? Is having some type of mental illness normal? Is being happy on a daily basis more than sad normal? Does anyone know what is actually considered normal? This is exactly my issue because I want to be normal but nobody even really knows what normal is when it comes to being human. Im trying to do something impossible while logically knowing I am setting myself up for failure. I never really actually thought about it until now. I have always hoped to be normal.

So I did a thing tonight. I told Kristy all of my feelings about everything and I almost cried doing it. I told her about all my fear of judgement and everything including in that the fear of eating in front of people, never being good enough and sometimes still shutting down, wanting to run away because I am so scared of what everyone thinks of me. I also told her about my feelings regarding the Jack situation. I admitted that I am really scared of him and I keep having nightmares about him finding me and losing it again. She is the first person I have told that I am feeling this way to. I also told her about my new kind of suicidal thoughts which have been really scaring me lately if im honest. Like obviously I have thought about this stuff before but these are different. Its like I can see myself cutting even though i’m not doing it. I guess its just hard to talk about. I don’t know why this is happening like this. Plus I have been slowly thinking about suicide again which is really scary to be dealing with again because I know part of me still wants to do it. I just want to be okay.

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