7/3/18

There are very few time I openly admit I have a crush on someone. Usually the only time I talk about it is because I cannot hide it anymore, I guess this is one of those times. Brandon. I went to high school with him but we didn’t talk too much after he graduated. I wish we did, because I had really liked him, I was just too scared to say it. I honestly never though he would like a girl like me. I can’t say this is the first time this thought has gotten me into trouble though. I guess the actually problem is how much I constantly overthink. No matter how much I may like someone, I will never believe they will actually like me back for longer than a day or two. I never see myself as good enough, and I’m pretty confident any guy wouldn’t want to deal with someone like me. Its not easy dating a girl with not only CPTSD, but also MDD, GAD, ADHD, and Panic Disorder, oh and can’t forget the OCD tendencies. Im broken and there is no way to completely fix me. I don’t have much control over any of this either. Im powerless in my own skin, Plus, nobody wants to learn how to be with someone who self harms and has suicidal thoughts. Im usually more of a bother than someone who is fun to be around. The thing is, if you haven’t been in the shoes of someone with depression or anxiety before, its easy to get frustrated with someone dealing with these. Nobody knows this can just break us more than we are already broken. I am beyond sensitive and if you tell me I am, I will overthink it and get hurt and upset. If you tell me I did something wrong, I will automatically assume you no longer like me and I am a complete failure. I will think at least once a day that you hate me, thing I am ugly, thing I am fat, wish I would just leave or diappear, and so on. This is actually really hard for me to go through. I will always assume you don’t actually like me and that my world is going to crash at any second. I always thing of the worst case scenario. In my defense, usually the worst case scenario is the once that comes true for me. I suck at making decisions and I will constantly need reassurance about stuff. I take everything beyond personally. There will be days you will not be able to make me smile. There will be days I want to feel up to doing anything. I will assume you think i’m lazy and that i’m annoying you. I will constantly flinch, I will get really shy, I can’t do anything sexual like everyone else. Everything will scare me and I will shut down sometimes. Please know, none of this is your fault. I have scars and I don’t always feel comfortable in my own body. Some things I want to do and I will make it clear not to push me. I promise I don’t completely suck, I try to be a good person, I just struggle because I see the world completely different than most. Eventually you will learn all of my triggers and basically my life story. I understand if you decide you don’t like me and down want to learn all of this about me. Just tell me. If you don’t want to help me through being suicidal or wanting to self harm, thats fine. Just tell me. I will always assume I am doing something wrong. I am awful at taking hints sometimes. I am really mellow and get scared easily. And my face turns red when I get embarrassed. I will probably hide behind you at some point. I have the body image of a sad squirrel. I also write like all day. I’m a dork, I know. Trust me when I say this though, I really fricken like you and I hope I don’t lose someone as great as you. I am so excited to go out with you tonight.

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