7/9/18

I haven’t really wrote in a while, and that never has a good result so here I am. Depressed. Sitting in a pile of emotional hurt that seems to just keep growing. I want to run from it but every time it catches me it doubles in size. Its a constant fight of trying to keep it from taking over. The worse this pile grows, the worse the urges get. I was lucky for a while and didn’t have too many urges but, lately they have started coming back. I’m slowly feeling like i’m drowning again. There are so many good things going on around me yet the worst things are the ones going through my head non-stop. Right now I know I need to vent to Kristy but the issues i’m dealing with both involve her and Jeff so I’m all alone in this one. I haven’t even been fully honest with my Melissa and because of that I can’t even tell her about this. I feel like I kept fucking up and now here I am but, I can’t blame anyone else because it is still technically my fault. Plus I feel sorry for myself which is total crap because I have no right to feel bad for myself. I need to just get over it all but I feel like I should be able to just forget it all even though logically I know that is absolutely impossible. I have to actually work through this even when I really don’t want to. Mainly because its a constant pain that gets worse while i’m in the process of working through it. I just want all of the pain to stop and it never really does. I want to cut again. I feel like a terrible person every time I write that but this is the only place I can be completely honest. Its really frustrating wanting to cut again. It seems like such a simple things which just makes me want it more. I keep thinking about taking a knife and doing it on my arms and I feel like I can actually see it. Almost like a video set on repeat that I can’t seem to escape from. I just want it to stop. How do I make them stop? I should probably explain the reasoning behind all of this. Writing this is going to hurt but its the only way I am gonna be able to get through it. I guess that first one I will start with is the Jack situation. I didn’t really thing it affected me that but I guess I was wrong because Nana came to pick up Nathan a week or two ago and Jack was sitting in the car and I was beyond terrified of him. Then when everyone went to the dells, including Jack, I was so scared of him and having nightmares when I have been through terrible stuff like this before. I’m 20, been through a lot, and am not even related to anyone here so I feel like I have no reason to be affected by it. I feel like i’m weak for being hurt by this kind of stuff when i’m 20. I just feel like I should be more mature. I don’t know if thats just me being too hard on myself or if its true. I always try to be mature but I feel like that the last thing i’m doing. I guess that bring me to the next thing. So while everyone was at the dells, I was cleaning the entire house. At one point I was going to clean the room downstairs and I opened the closet to see if there were clothes to be folded and in one of the drawers was Kristy’s journal. I opened the first page and I saw my name so I was a bad person and kept reading. Basically, everything said Kristy didn’t like me because Jeff gave me more attention then he gave her and she figured he was going to have an affair with me and she didn’t want me here anymore. She literally hated me and I am beyond upset and hurt about it. I thought she always loved me but I was so wrong and now I kind of need her because i’m hurting so bad and I just need someone to help keep lee safe but I feel like I can’t go to her now that I know this. Does she even like me now? Should I just leave everything here and never come back? I don’t know what to do now or how to process it all. I have no where to even go anymore. I’ve fucked up everything I had and now I don’t even want to fight through any of it. Why is the world so unfair? Why do I have to screw up everything good thing I have. I always set myself up for failure. As if all of that isn’t enough, me and my mom talked and my dad only has months to live. But I fucked that up too, because thats the only thing I can actually manage to do. Someone please just make this pain stop. I wish I could just go get a knife and cut right now. Im done. Im so hurt right now. I could just take too many pills. Whats wrong with me that this is what I am thinking about right now. Fuck.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s