I realized I never really gave an update on whats happening with my Uncle John. As of yesterday night he was still stable and they transferred him to the first floor of the hospital until the rehabilitation center is ready for him. He still has no movement in the majority of his left side, but there is still a chance he will get all or the majority of that back. He has a hard time talking and it takes him a rather long time to think of the words he wants to use, even if it is a simple “Hi”. As much as I am very glad he is being transferred to a rehabilitation center that’s somewhat close, I am also very scared and worried. After his last stroke they transferred him to this same center and they ended up kicking him out after only one week, due to not being able to pay. I am honestly very worried that the same thing is going to happen again, and I don’t think he is going to get any better unless he is in a rehab center. What also scares me, and this I admit is somewhat selfish of me, but I know he is going to want me to visit him often since I drive past that rehab center on my way to the college, and my family is going to want me to do the same, and I don’t know if I can. When my grandma had got out of the hospital, she had to go to a rehab center (a different one than the one my Uncle John is going to). I came and saw her often and she hated it so much there, because she couldn’t see me every day and she was scared she would never be able to leave and she was so scared I would stop loving her. That was the first time I ever saw that woman cry. I was laying on the bed with her, my head on her shoulder and her head leaning against mine, and she broke down crying. She had said a lot to me while she was there, a lot that I haven’t been able to handle the best. The time that she was in that center affected me a lot. What I am scared of with my Uncle John being in a rehab center is that I will not be able to go there without going straight back into the mind set I was in when I was with my grandma. I’m not sure I can emotionally handle going there, I am not sure I can see my uncle without breaking down. I don’t know if that is selfish or not, but truthfully I am so scared that I am going to walk in there and lose myself back into the same place I was emotionally when I was with grandma. Honestly I don’t think I have ever been so scared of going somewhere in my life, and that makes this even worse.
This past week I also considered something I didn’t really think I would again. I thought about suicide and self harm. Two different days, but it worried me a lot slipping back into that mind set again. It’s still so much better than it was, and I am grateful for that, but these two moments scared me. The thought of self harm was caused mainly because i’m worried that I won’t do well enough in Sociology, or will disappoint my boss, who I look up to even more than my parents. But I also know that this reason wasn’t the only thing pushing me towards this feeling. I would be lying if I said that what I remembered most recently wasn’t also bothering me. Truthfully I think this is bothering me more than the physical abuse did. As far as considering suicide, I know one of the things that was bothering me the most during this moment was the fact that I had did something wrong, and the first thing that came into my head was that I am worthless and deserve punishment. I know that’s not me thinking, that’s just exactly what my grandma would say. Still, this is what I thought and I strongly considered it. I kept thinking how weak I was that I even considered it as much as I did. How weak I am that I have so much hatred towards my grandma and parents that I actually cry because I still feel so much love for them. I thought I would be better off dead than to stay here and keep trying to fight my own damn mind.
Through all of this I still have a small amount of pride, as I have managed to push myself a little bit and do something I didn’t think I would do for a long time, go sit some where that I didn’t feel 100% safe, sit some where there were people other than the ones I am comfortable with. This might seem really small and dumb but honestly, I am actually really proud of myself that I did this, since this is something I know I am really scared to do normally. I am proud of myself for once. While this might not be something I am very proud of, this is something that brought me a sense of happiness and kind of a sense of freedom, I finally really feel like I have a voice. I am always so terrified of being judged and this past week I had a meeting with my academic adviser and I was truly terrified, even though she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I got in there and she knew I was really anxious and she immediately sat next to me and said something that calmed me more than I could even put into words, she said “I can tell you are really scared, and I know it might help for you to know that while I work with a lot of athletes, I also work with a lot of student with severe anxiety, students with PTSD, and students that have everything going against them. You seem like you are one of those students, and I will support you even when nobody else does.” and later on as we were picking out the rest of my classes she said “I know online classes are going to be a lot easier for you, and I know it will make you feel a lot better knowing exact details.”. She picked exactly which teacher I should take that would work the best with me and gave me exact details on absolutely everything I needed to know. While this was going on though, she made me feel like I have a voice. Something that I am terrified to use, and sometimes forget I even have. Its honestly an amazing feeling, feeling like I have a voice, and even though I am scared to say a lot out loud, I can write or type all of my feelings down and it feels like I finally have something worth. I have a voice.
I admit this post is kind of all over the place but I am just so filled with fear and frustration, while still being filled with pride and happiness (which is rare). I don’t even really know what I feel because my mind is just kind of everywhere. I just know that I have hope that things will keep getting better. If I actually feel like I have a voice somewhere, then I can have hope for just about anything.