5/15/18

I came out as bisexual in December of 2016. When I came out it was one of the most difficult things to process and accept, and I tried to deny it every chance I got. I have slowly come to terms with it and now I am proud of it because it is part of who I am. It is no different than being straight, its just who I love, it doesn’t make me any different than anyone else. Unfortunately, many people don’t share those same views and believe that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community should be deported or shamed. People can be beyond rude to anyone in our community and it is hurtful beyond belief. What is even more hurtful is when people use “Gay” as an insult, or as a joke. Saying “thats so gay” is somewhat offensive, saying “stop being so gay” is hurtful, saying “I have a gay friend so” or “I look so gay” is hurtful. Saying “Faggot” is the most offensive thing to me and I do not want anyone in my life who says that. Saying Gay isn’t a bad thing when you don’t mean it as an insult or joke or use it to shame us. There is no reason that the LGBTQ+ community should be targeted for being ourselves. If you use any LGBTQ+ term as an insult or joke, please stop. Please think before you speak because what you say can hurt.

Educate yourself.

11/8/17 Part 2

I realized I never really gave an update on whats happening with my Uncle John. As of yesterday night he was still stable and they transferred him to the first floor of the hospital until the rehabilitation center is ready for him. He still has no movement in the majority of his left side, but there is still a chance he will get all or the majority of that back. He has a hard time talking and it takes him a rather long time to think of the words he wants to use, even if it is a simple “Hi”. As much as I am very glad he is being transferred to a rehabilitation center that’s somewhat close, I am also very scared and worried. After his last stroke they transferred him to this same center and they ended up kicking him out after only one week, due to not being able to pay. I am honestly very worried that the same thing is going to happen again, and I don’t think he is going to get any better unless he is in a rehab center. What also scares me, and this I admit is somewhat selfish of me, but I know he is going to want me to visit him often since I drive past that rehab center on my way to the college, and my family is going to want me to do the same, and I don’t know if I can. When my grandma had got out of the hospital, she had to go to a rehab center (a different one than the one my Uncle John is going to). I came and saw her often and she hated it so much there, because she couldn’t see me every day and she was scared she would never be able to leave and she was so scared I would stop loving her. That was the first time I ever saw that woman cry. I was laying on the bed with her, my head on her shoulder and her head leaning against mine, and she broke down crying. She had said a lot to me while she was there, a lot that I haven’t been able to handle the best. The time that she was in that center affected me a lot. What I am scared of with my Uncle John being in a rehab center is that I will not be able to go there without going straight back into the mind set I was in when I was with my grandma. I’m not sure I can emotionally handle going there, I am not sure I can see my uncle without breaking down. I don’t know if that is selfish or not, but truthfully I am so scared that I am going to walk in there and lose myself back into the same place I was emotionally when I was with grandma. Honestly I don’t think I have ever been so scared of going somewhere in my life, and that makes this even worse.

This past week I also considered something I didn’t really think I would again. I thought about suicide and self harm. Two different days, but it worried me a lot slipping back into that mind set again. It’s still so much better than it was, and I am grateful for that, but these two moments scared me. The thought of self harm was caused mainly because i’m worried that I won’t do well enough in Sociology, or will disappoint my boss, who I look up to even more than my parents. But I also know that this reason wasn’t the only thing pushing me towards this feeling. I would be lying if I said that what I remembered most recently wasn’t also bothering me. Truthfully I think this is bothering me more than the physical abuse did. As far as considering suicide, I know one of the things that was bothering me the most during this moment was the fact that I had did something wrong, and the first thing that came into my head was that I am worthless and deserve punishment. I know that’s not me thinking, that’s just exactly what my grandma would say. Still, this is what I thought and I strongly considered it. I kept thinking how weak I was that I even considered it as much as I did. How weak I am that I have so much hatred towards my grandma and parents that I actually cry because I still feel so much love for them. I thought I would be better off dead than to stay here and keep trying to fight my own damn mind.

Through all of this I still have a small amount of pride, as I have managed to push myself a little bit and do something I didn’t think I would do for a long time, go sit some where that I didn’t feel 100% safe, sit some where there were people other than the ones I am comfortable with. This might seem really small and dumb but honestly, I am actually really proud of myself that I did this, since this is something I know I am really scared to do normally. I am proud of myself for once. While this might not be something I am very proud of, this is something that brought me a sense of happiness and kind of a sense of freedom, I finally really feel like I have a voice. I am always so terrified of being judged and this past week I had a meeting with my academic adviser and I was truly terrified, even though she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I got in there and she knew I was really anxious and she immediately sat next to me and said something that calmed me more than I could even put into words, she said “I can tell you are really scared, and I know it might help for you to know that while I work with a lot of athletes, I also work with a lot of student with severe anxiety, students with PTSD, and students that have everything going against them. You seem like you are one of those students, and I will support you even when nobody else does.” and later on as we were picking out the rest of my classes she said “I know online classes are going to be a lot easier for you, and I know it will make you feel a lot better knowing exact details.”. She picked exactly which teacher I should take that would work the best with me and gave me exact details on absolutely everything I needed to know. While this was going on though, she made me feel like I have a voice. Something that I am terrified to use, and sometimes forget I even have. Its honestly an amazing feeling, feeling like I have a voice, and even though I am scared to say a lot out loud, I can write or type all of my feelings down and it feels like I finally have something worth. I have a voice.

I admit this post is kind of all over the place but I am just so filled with fear and frustration, while still being filled with pride and happiness (which is rare). I don’t even really know what I feel because my mind is just kind of everywhere. I just know that I have hope that things will keep getting better. If I actually feel like I have a voice somewhere, then I can have hope for just about anything.

11/8/17

INFJ. The Myers Briggs personality test is something I have known since my freshman year of high school when we took the test in our English class, just as a fun activity. Right now i’m in Psychology 101 and I have honestly enjoyed this course more than the majority of my music courses I have taken here at Harper. One of the assignments for this course was to take the Big Five Project Personality Test. What somewhat surprised me was the results after the test. There are five main categories you get scored on: Open-Mindedness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Negative Emotionality. For each category you were told what percentile you were, and what that score meant.

  • For Open-Mindedness my score was 24. High scorers tend to be original, creative, curious, complex; Low scorers tend to be conventional, down to earth, narrow interests, uncreative.
  • For Conscientiousness, my score was 54. High scorers tend to be reliable, well-organized, self-disciplined, careful; Low scorers tend to be disorganized, undependable, negligent.
  • For Extravesion, my score was 1. High scorers tend to be sociable, friendly, fun loving, talkative; Low scorers tend to be introverted, reserved, inhibited, quiet.
  • For Agreeableness, my score was 35. High scorers tend to be good natured, sympathetic, forgiving, courteous; Low scorers tend to be critical, rude, harsh, callous.
  • And last but not least, in Negative Emotionality, I scored 99. High scorers tend to be nervous, high-strung, insecure, worrying; Low scorers tend to be calm, relaxed, secure, hardy.

I got home that night and was looking at my results more and had my mom take the test. She scored almost the exact opposite of me, except in Agreeableness, where we got almost the exact same score. My mom then reminded me about the Myres Briggs Test so I decided to take it again. It said I am a INFJ. This test gives results in Mind, Energy, Nature, Tactics, and Identity.

  • Mind determines how we interact with our environment. I am 6% Extraverted  and 94% Introverted.
  • In Energy, this trait shows where we direct our mental energy. I am 55% Intuitive and 45% Observant.
  • In Nature, the trait that determines how we make decisions and cope with emotions, I scored 24% in Thinking and 76% in Feeling.
  • Tactics, the trait that reflects our approach to work, planning and decision-making.  I scored 65% in Judging and 35% in Prospecting.
  • As far as Identity, the trait that underpins all others, showing how confident we are in our abilities and decisions, I scored 0% Assertive and 100% Turbulent.

I wasn’t surprised by these results, but my mom was ISTP. My mom kept researching about ISTP moms and INFJ daughters and the majority of what she read said it is not a great combination. When I searched ISTP, one of the things that came up said ” INFJs are the most susceptible to mental disorders like depression because they are so deeply emotional — either all in or all out.”. One writer said “As an INFJ myself, it’s hard. I’m in a constant battle with myself, and trying to explain the thoughts that either bring me trouble, or leave others terribly confused. This helps explain my depression, anxiety, and bipolar. It makes sense why I chose to become a writer, and how I see the world.” (Kelsie Doran). While I am not bipolar, I strongly relate to this statement.  The thoughts in my head constantly confuse me and the only way I can handle them and try to make sense with them on my own are to write.

My mom doesn’t believe or agree with anything mental health when it comes to me. She never has and truthfully I am not sure she ever will. I don’t know why I keep trying to make her understand, but for some reason last night I showed her these sections of the article I read, and her only response was “Well there you go. Now you actually know what to work on. “. I don’t know why I was so disappointed by this response but I so badly wanted something else. I don’t really know what answer I was looking for other than any response that wasn’t that. It made me silent, knowing once again, that she does not support this and it reminds me just how alone I am in this. I wish I had a big support system but I don’t and every time I think I have come to terms with this, something proves me wrong.

Music is the one of the only thinks I have done almost my entire life. My mom has supported me and told me that I am amazing sometimes and told me I am a failure at it other times. I never really know which it is going to be. The only thing she has stayed consistent about it wanting me to stay in music since “That is one of the few thing I am good at” according to my mom. She knows I used to write a lot but she doesn’t know I still write. She has now switched to wanting me to change my major since I am just not doing well enough in music. When I was deciding on what I wanted to major in during college, I was choosing between Music Education, Psychology, and Sociology. The main reason I didn’t do Sociology or Psychology was because everyone was pushing me in music, except my band director who wanted me to do what I wanted since he knew I would most likely do well at either one. I’ve had a lot of pressure to decide on what I am doing and at least for the spring semester, I am going to major in Sociology. As much as I am excited for this change, i’m scared of the pressure that my family is going to put on me. Everyone has always expected a lot from me and honestly I have let down most of my family over the past few years. I know that’s partly why I am so scared to disappoint them, because I have been doing it for a long time. That’s what scares me most about my dad eventually finding out i’m on med’s. I know he will be disappointed in me and that’s what bothers me most. I had a dream the other night, where my dad had found my med’s, screamed at me, and hit me. I admit, that is also one of my biggest fears, because I truly don’t know what I am going to do if that happens. I don’t care if my dad were to say that he doesn’t approve of me doing med’s and I need to get off of them, because I have been used to that response from my mom. But disappointment is a completely different level, one I don’t want to face.

 

10/26/17

Dear Cassidy,

What happened to you is not your fault. You did not ask for this to happen and you never did anything to deserve it. You were just a child and there was nothing you could have done to change what had happened. I know it hurts and I know some days it truly still doesn’t make sense. I know some days you still want an answer even though you understand that you will never actually get one. I know its not fair. I know you would like nothing more than to run away from what happened and never come back. I know there are so many days you wish you didn’t have to keep fighting a battle you feel like you are losing. I know it hurts, and its confusing, and its far from fair. But you are so strong and you can keep fighting this. Someday you will fall in love with someone and all of the pain you feel every day will be just a little dot that you will remember is there, but will not effect you. Someday you will smile because you know what happiness actually feels like and you will be able to smile in a picture without faking every single second. Things will get better, and I know you may not see that now, but it will come. Someday you will no longer have anxiety and you will truly be able to breathe again. What happened to you may never make sense, but it doesn’t need to. You just have to come to terms with yourself, and love yourself more than you have ever been loved. YOU DESERVE LOVE.

 

9/28/17

The last post. That post is actually the reasoning behind this post. I have been open about coming to terms with being bisexual and finding out my sexual orientation after my family telling me bisexuality is wrong my entire life. What I haven’t been as open about is my struggle in whether or not I am gay. I have actually barely talked about this, but I feel I should. I have known for a long time that I was attracted to women, and men. However, now that I am getting older, I feel more and more that I lean towards gay rather than bisexual. The person who posted the last post titled “Untitled”, decided yesterday that me and another coworker would make a cute couple. The guy is very sweet however, I am not attracted to him in anyway more than friends.

This, this is the reason I am choosing to stay single instead of get into a relationship. I know how hard it is to be told someone doesn’t like me, especially when I don’t particularly like myself either. I can not handle being shot down and hurt repeatedly, so now dating is my way to protect myself.Thinking about dating was the cause of this post, am I bisexual or gay? Who am I attracted to? Who am I not attracted to? Who am I?? I never thought I would end up in this position, a position where I do not even understand who I am attracted to.

I want to kiss a girl.

I want to cuddle with a girl.

I want to love a girl.