I have so many words yet I know how to express so few. Today started so good with this being my last day of program. I was genuinely happy about this even though I was a little scared about making the change to normal life again. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s after and was in such a good mood, feeling free from everything for a little while. I got there and just chilled out and pet the dog for a while and then brushed her since she sheds so much. What made my day really rough was what happened later on. Hanna had to go to a friends house in the same area as Jack was going yet he refused to drive her so Kristy had us hide his keys in my back pack so there was no way he would find them. Once Kristy got back and was ready to then take Hanna, Jack freaked out and stood in the car door so Hanna couldn’t close it. Then after a while since he wouldn’t move and all he was doing was screaming at them, Kristy backed up just a little and Jack put all his weight on the car door, breaking it. Then he started screaming at Kristy saying things like she is a dumb c**t and b***h and he just kept screaming at her. Once he started getting violent, Kiley started fighting and thats when Kristy got out of the car and started fighting him too. Eventually Kiley got away from Jack and came up to the front porch and grabbed the baseball bat. Jack and Kiley were then fighting each other so Hanna and Kristy left thinking the situation would then calm down. I had grabbed Connor and sent him upstairs to Kelli Ann’s room. Kiley came up to the front porch and Jack grabbed her and threw her onto the sidewalk. He then shoved me out of the door against the wall and came into the house. I was scared he was going to go upstairs where the kids were so I pushed him toward the basement and he got in my face and went to hit me and stopped and stormed downstairs screaming that I am a c**t, b***h, can kill myself, and can go f**k myself. I heard him punch the wall twice and Kiley then came inside and was washing blood off her ankle. Brandon was at the table but went down stairs after a few minutes. Jack came back upstairs and went outside and started to walk away so I quickly shut the door and locked it as well as all the other doors. Kiley went upstairs to check on the kids and Jack came back and grabbed the bat, and started to hit the front windows screaming my name but he couldn’t break them because of the screens. He then went to the back yard and I was the only one on that floor besides Kaden. I saw Jack out the back window and I ran and covered Kaden so he wouldn’t get hit by glass. Jack hit the back window with the bat and shattered it everywhere and then started throwing glass at me. I stood up closer to the window trying to get him to go away or chill out but he didn’t. He then went back up front and started fighting with Kristy who had just came back and them came to the back yard again and started hitting the window again. Hanna and Kristy were both inside at this point and the doors were locked again. I went and stood in front of Kaden again to make sure he was safe. Kristy was by the window yelling back at Jack who was screaming at her and finally he left and went up front and started walking down the road while two undercover cops were watching. Hanna had call the police after Kristy said to. A couple seconds later a cop arrested Jack and more cops showed up. Kristy went up to the cop and started to tell her what happened and Jeff called me so I went out there and told them I saw everything that happened. Hanna and Kiley then came outside too talking to the cop. She asked us to go inside with her and write written statements of everything that happened. While we were doing that Jeff showed up from work and wanted to know everything that happened. He was talking to the cop as I finished my statement. They explained he was being taken to Wauconda jail for the night and would be in front of a judge in 48 hours max. Once the cops started to leave we started to check out the damage and clean up. I was in shock and couldn’t even move. I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. I came out and Jeff’s dad, Scott, was there looking at everything. He kind of had a attitude but helped up take the broken window out so we could take it to get fixed. Everyone then went outside while I stayed inside making sure the kids stayed upstairs. Amy, Jeff’s ex-wife came and started screaming that its insane that Jeff brought me, a 20 year old woman to his house and let me sleep in their house, and that I cut and would do it in front of the kids (I would never, just sayin). Kristy looked inside to see if I was listening and I was but could only hear bits and pieces. I didn’t know the full story until later. Amy was acting all nice to me and I didn’t know what she had said so I was nice too. Evidently Scott had some words to say about me as well. During all of this my parents wanted me to go to dinner and I said no because I was there and I couldn’t tell them what was actually going on so I kept telling them I just wasn’t hungry. They were frustrated I wouldn’t go and me and my mom were sending long texts to each other basically fighting about how I’m a bad daughter. What made this bad, it was fathers day.
Last night I had a lot on my mind even though I didn’t write much. I was really struggling last night and I admit I was kind of worried. Talking to Jeff helped but, it didn’t at the same time. He tried, that I admit. Our life situations have been very different and sometimes it makes it hard to relate. He doesn’t really understand my point of view when I get upset about situations with my family. To me its a lot more that just going back and forth between my two families.
(My stomach hurts so bad right now and I honestly kind of feel like i’m going to be sick or faint. Im so dizzy and I went to the bathroom hoping that would help but, it almost made me more sick.
Im also gonna talk to Abbey soon and i’m really anxious about it. Like I know I need to but, I’m just worried about such a big change especially when I don’t feel well. I don’t know if its really gonna be this hard or if I’m overthinking it. I know majority of the time I overthink but, with this I’m not sure. I am worried about not having enough structure and falling back.
Wow. I really don’t feel good right now. Probably because I haven’t ate anything in almost 24 hours now. Im pushing my body over and over but eventually I know my body is going to break. Especially now when I really don’t feel good because I keep pushing myself physically and emotionally repeatedly. I’m scared about breaking.
Tomorrow is my last day!)
I feel so exhausted yet I don’t stop or slow down. Im doing this with everything in my life. I always think I can do some amazing thing when in reality i’m only human.
I have finally found the point where I have fucked up too much. I missed program this morning and later in the day I got a call from my case manager who, to the lease, wasn’t real happy with me. She basically said that I need to discharge from the program on Friday and that way if I need to come back in the future, I can. I understand her point of view on it, I guess I am just frustrated with myself. I wish I would have just kept going to program but, because I didn’t, I am now done. I am kind of scared about not having much, if any, structure on a daily basis. I know when I don’t have much striation I tend to go back into my negative state of mind which, well, we know how that goes. Im worried that when when I stop program, I will go downhill and sendup doing the same thing that resulted in me having to go there in the first place. Honestly, I wish I could attempt suicide and just end it but, the issue is that I want to not be alive, without dying. I guess it comes down to the fact I don’t want to hurt others but, I also don’t want to keep suffering myself. I just want everything to… stop. Why do I so badly want this all to end, why can’t I just want to live? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I get that maybe I haven’t done anything specific to deserve this but, either way, why is this happening. I have done everything I can for things to get better yet, they haven’t honestly. I’m only being taught how to deal with this pain but, not actually how to stop it. If this is how it will always be, then I don’t want to sign up for a long term subscription. If life sucks then its not a life I want to live. I feel like no matter what I do things will never get better. I don’t even know what I specifically want to change. I just want to not feel like this. I always say I want to find the real me, but what if this is the real me. What if this is just what i’m like and things wont ever change. I think that might actually be my biggest fear right now. If this is how my life will always be then I would rather know now so I can just end it now instead of continuing to suffer. I so badly just want things to be different yet they never actually change. I am the only one that can make the change so I guess its my own fault that im like this. Maybe Im just not trying hard enough but, if I’m not trying my best now, Probably never will. I don even know why I keep thinking this through. That won’t make this any better and I know I should just stop and end it now but I’m a fucking idiot and just keep doing it. Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exception a different reaction. I think thats what I’m doing now. This is my own fault, I deserve this. I seriously fucking deserve this.
I wanted to write last night but, it was a very rough night so I took my meds and slept. As usual, I was suicidal however, this time there was a cause. I think I already wrote about the decision I made to move in with the Vicari’s. I thought over this many times and it was not an easy decision to make. I wrote about the drama that happened at Olive Garden. I was beyond upset about that and finally decided to do a pro con list for moving out and one for staying home (6/10/18). For both I had some long lists. Many of my cons for staying home were pros for moving out. I discussed it with Jeff and Kristy and she asked what a home is to me. I said, “Feeling safe, being bale to be me safely, and feeling heard, not invisible, feeling loved, feeling wanted.”. I then put a star next to everything I listed that involved one or more of those three things. Almost all of the cons for staying home were stared and all of the pros for moving out had a star. That list basically made my mind up for me. I really wanted to tell my family this week but, I wanted to tell my cousins first. I ended up going to their house last night and was hoping they would be somewhat supportive but, they weren’t. Honestly, they were the exact opposite of supportive, they might as well said “Fuck you”. I honestly feel like the entire world is against me. Like I have so little hope at this point and I have no clue whether I will get it back at this point or not. I look back at yesterday with straight frustration, not anger. I am more hurt than anything. My family should be supporting me and they are doing everything except that. They don’t understand how much they are hurting me, I don’t even feel a point in living at this point. Is there a point anymore? I have so few people who support me right now and I feel as if someone just came and took one of the only things I had left. Will I have anything left at the end of this? I always make jokes that I am like a lost puppy except, its not a joke. I am literally being shown that my parents have control over me and I feel like they think they have control over my entire life even though I am 10. They always have a say in everything and I feel like my opinion is completely ignored at this point. I don’t even fucking matter so why am I even trying anymore, there is no point. I am worthless in every way and when I finally try to gain some worth, its all taken away. I honestly just want to cut. I don’t give a fuck anymore. It would be easier to kill myself but, I just wish there was a way to end my life without dying. Like a reset button. Right now that reset button is a blade and/or pills. It would be so much easier for me but I don’t want to hurt the few people I still care about and that care about me. Im tired except nobody will let me take a nap when thats the only thing I want now. I want to take a nap to escape all of the hurt and pain I deal with every single day. This nap is called suicide which feels like a strange name for a nap but, for some reason, everyone is against this type of nap. I can’t even power nap because everyone calls it self harm when I just see it as a small break from everything. I guess we’re just expected to stay up all day and night without needing a break or getting any sleep. Somehow I watch as everyone around me is able to do this yet no matter how hard I try it just never fits. What is wrong with me that everyone else is able to get through this but I sit over here too weak and worthless to play and yet, I’m still not allowed to nap or take anything breaks. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do but ya know, everything is my fault. I am really tired and nobody is trying to help keep me awake anymore. There is no point in fighting this dumb battle all day and night when I never signed up for it in the first place. I never asked for anything except for a little bit of help staying awake, and they took that away the second she didn’t get what she wanted. I wish I would get into a car accident without anyone other than me getting hurt. I don’t want them to get hurt, only me. I just want it all to end quickly and for others to not know it was my choice. I don’t want them to think any of it is their fault even if it is. They are still alive so they might as week keep their perfect self image they have right now just without me. It will hurt them but, they will eventually get over it and I won’t matter at all because it was “tragic” but, only if someone else kills me. If I kill myself them my family will blame themselves and there will be people who shame them so its just easier if they don’t really know what happened. Unless I am allowed too, self harm is all I have that can release it, but nobody will let me do that because that again would hurt their perfect self image.
Pretty much no matter what I do, I always disappoint myself. I can’t say I haven’t been semi-disappointed in myself with coming to the decision to move out. I love my parents but, I need a different kind of support right now that I need from my second family. For me, this is what putting myself first looks like, even though it might be hard for others. I shouldn’t feel like I’m in a daily battle against my family, I should feel like my family is supporting me in every way. I wish my family could/would understand why I am so hurt by them and why I don’t really want anything to do with them right now. Honestly, Its not eventually their fault, I’m just not ready to forgive them yet for everything in the past when they refuse to even talk about it or admit it happened. I feel like I’m fighting this battle all on my own and I shouldn’t feel like that. I always put my mom’s feelings before my own and while sometimes that might be the right thing to do, not all day everyday. I am my own person and I should be able to treat myself like one. I have set my decision in stone for this reason. If I don’t then I know my decision will change because of my mom’s feelings. I know she is really hurt by this and I don’t want to put her through this at all, but I need this for myself even if she doesn’t agree with it and it possibly hurting her. I main thing stopping me from already telling my mom is that Jack is still in his current room and hasn’t moved yet and we also don’t know what is currently going on with my dad. I know this is technically putting other’s feelings before my own but, if my dad is going to get really sick again or pass away, the I would rather stay at home and spend as much time with him as I can. I think right now that is one of the only reasons I might change my decision to move out. I am always just overthinking my decision to move out. Change is really hard for me and right now I am the one choosing to make the change. I guess the best I can do is plan for how I want to pack, how I want my room laid out. I love lookin gat Pinterest so it could be calming like writing.
No. I’m sorry…. Im not sorry
I don’t really know how to start this page other than I have slept around 13 hours and I woke up wanting to cut so bad I still haven’t been able to move off the couch. I texted Jeff asking him to move the knife I know I would use, except I don’t think he did which makes me kind of upset. I know I need to learn how to handle the pain instead of running away from it but, when I ask for support like that, sometimes I really need it. I feel like my ask for help was just ignore.
- Staying in my dream room
- Will be home if there was a emergency
- More time with Dad
- Less hurt on my family
- Physically closer to family
- More quiet*
- Still with pumpkin
- No major change
- No feeling obligated to do anything
- Tention between me and my parents*
- Less freedom
- Less privacy
- Feeling like I can’t be myself*
- Cant be completely open about everything*
- Longer drive to school
- Feeling like I don’t belong*
- More triggers/constant reminders
- Less support*
- Less feelings of safety*
- Feeling safe in general*
- Feeling safe when wanting to SH or suicidal*
- Being able to be myself*
- Feeling like I have more freedom
- Soending time with my parents because I want to not have to*
- Earning money over the summer
- More to do
- Feeling ‘welcome’ in the entire house*
- More privacy
- My voice being heard and matters*
- Quicker drive to school
- Explore who I am without pressure from family*
- Less time on my own
- Different room/space
- Not being home if there is an emergency
- Less time with my dad
- Might hurt my family’s feelings
- A lot of effort on moving
- Overall big change
- More chaos
- Feeling like I am lost
What comes to your mind when you think of “What makes a home, a home?” Top 3:
2.Being able to be me
3. Feeling like im not invisible, being heard, feeling wanted, feeling loved.
Put a * next to each item listed that is a core value.