6/10/18

Staying Home

Pro:

  • Staying in my dream room
  • Will be home if there was a emergency
  • More time with Dad
  • Less hurt on my family
  • Physically closer to family
  • More quiet*
  • Still with pumpkin
  • No major change
  • No feeling obligated to do anything

Cons:

  • Tention between me and my parents*
  • Less freedom
  • Less privacy
  • Feeling like I can’t be myself*
  • Cant be completely open about everything*
  • Longer drive to school
  • Feeling like I don’t belong*
  • More triggers/constant reminders
  • Less support*
  • Less feelings of safety*

 

Moving out

Pro:

  • Feeling safe in general*
  • Feeling safe when wanting to SH or suicidal*
  • Being able to be myself*
  • Feeling like I have more freedom
  • Soending time with my parents because I want to not have to*
  • Earning money over the summer
  • More to do
  • Feeling ‘welcome’ in the entire house*
  • More privacy
  • My voice being heard and matters*
  • Quicker drive to school
  • Explore who I am without pressure from family*

Cons:

  • Less time on my own
  • Different room/space
  • Not being home if there is an emergency
  • Less time with my dad
  • Might hurt my family’s feelings
  • A lot of effort on moving
  • Overall big change
  • Pumpkin
  • More chaos
  • Feeling like I am lost

What comes to your mind when you think of “What makes a home, a home?” Top 3:

1.Feeling Safe

2.Being able to be me

3. Feeling like im not invisible, being heard, feeling wanted, feeling loved.

Put a * next to each item listed that is a core value.

6/8/18

I keep trying to grow as a person as I get older and every day it gets a little harder. I want to do the right thing for not only myself but others too. I know I can’t please everyone but, right now i’m not pleasing anyone. I feel like I am completely alone while being surrounded by everyone. I want there to be a. exact answer to all of this and I don’t think there ever will be. I just want to be happy and I keep trying my best to be, and no matter how hard I try, its never good enough. Im never good enough. I don’t really know if I will ever be good enough or happy enough for myself.

I got in a fight with my mom two days ago. It was really frustration to be honest, I love my mom and its really hard fighting with her like this. I was at home almost asleep on the couch when my parents both walked in which was a surprise since my mom was supposed to be at work. My dad sat in his chair in the living room and my mom walked in with mcdonalds. My dad said something about goin g to the hospital and not feeling well but, before I could ask any questions my mom asked if I wanted to sit in the kitchen with her and share a ice cream Sunday she go. I said sure so I went into the kitchen with a ll of my colored pencils so I could color code them. After sitting there for a couple minutes, she said that dad was in a lot of pain and was really worried that he was in so much pain again so quickly. Evidently after calling the doctor they were worried it could have been related to his heart issues (he had a heart attack and almost died my freshman year of high school). They went to see one of his hear doctors about his cancer in Woodstock hospital. He said it wasn’t most likely related to a major issue so he raised my dads pain meds by double and sent him home. Thats why my mom had came home from work. A few minutes after we stopped talking about my dad, I asked if she would rather meet Jeff and Kristy at their house or at restaurant. The tone of her voice changed completely and she said she hadn’t;t really thought about seeing them even though I had brought it up many times. I just said it was okay and she could tell me when she was ready. She quickly got defensive and said she was still mad at them for me staying at their house the night before. I corrected her and told her it was my decision to stay there and no one else’s. After that we got into what I would say was a one sided argument. At some point I brought up (jokingly) about moving out and she got really mad and lashed out at me. I guess thats the difference between me and my mom, she is very emotional when it comes to fights, whereas I am more political. Its hard to be so different than my mom. We constantly fight over everything. After I brought up moving out, our argument just kept getting worse. She kept trying to blame and bash them and was clearly getting frustrated that I kept sticking up for them and taking all of the blame myself. The thing is, they haven’t done anything wrong so its not like I am taking anyone else blame.My mom just really struggles to see it that way. She said a lot of hurtful things and the majority of these things im choosing not to write down because of how upsetting they were but, by the end of the conversation I got up, grabbed pumpkin (my doggo), and left. My mom called me later and asked where I was. I said I was at the forest preserve but, considering I didn’t come home until midnight, she know thats not really where I was. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s and was beyond frustrated.

That was two days ago. That night I went home and went to my room then, woke up the next day and went back to Jeff and Kristy’s and spent the night. I woke up this morning to a. text from my mom that said, “Do you want to meet me for lunch? I’m at north. We can go to Olive Garden. Dad and I just want you to be happy. If you want 2am every night thats fine. Don’t want fight anymore.” I called her and said I would after I went home to change. I met my mom at the bank then went to Olive Garden together. Ill be honest, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Looking at it now, I was really hoping it would have went better than it did. It could have been worse but, I just thought Mayne things could chill out for once. My entire life has been never-ending chaos. I just want Calm and to feel like I have a safe place to can call home, and every time I think I might have that it gets taken away. I just want a safe place to land. Basically, going back to what happened with my mom, we got to the restaurant and you could feel the tension. We talked about curfew again for a couple of minutes and that almost set the conversation up for failure. We both settled on 2am as the time to be home and to tell them if I would be home or not. My mom apologized for making me feel like she is constantly giving me a guilt trip. I was glad she apologized but, I knew part of her wasn’t really sorry. She kept trying to make it seem like I have no control because Jeff and Kristy are taking advantage of me because I am 20 and vulnerable. I kept trying to stick up for myself against my mom and I don’t think she actually understood me. She always makes me feeling like I have no real say in what is going on. She says she understands my point of view too but, it feels like it almost does her way or the highway. She wouldn’t listen to a word I said anytime we talking about me moving. I held my own the entire time though, which I had a hard time doing. She was so closed minded and I tried so hard to get in her head enough for her to see past me just being her daughter but, I don’t think I ever really got through to her. She is really concerned about me going back and doing well in school without any responsibilities. She says she knows I am a 20 year old in college and responsible, but she doesn’t act like she understands it. She can only see me as her little girl, not a person who deserves to make her own decisions and choose her freedom. I feel like I am small and invisible yet under a magnified glass all the time. She brought up dad again and said she is really worried and I should be spending time with him while I still can. I got really upset at this part because this was when my mom started tearing up.  I don’t want to lose my dad and I know my mom and I will both be so hurt when/if something happens. Although this isn’t the part that made me upset the most, When we left and were back to my car I got out and my mom started really crying and begged me not to move out over and over and reminded me how much she really needs me right now, at least just living at home. I so badly don’t want to hurt my mom and I love her so much, but I feel like im trapped living at home with my parents. My mom just kept crying and hugged me and I felt /feel so bad for putting her through this. I know not all of it is my fault but, I still blame myself some. I know I can see this as just another way she is taking advantage of/guilting but, but it isn’t like that this time.  I think my mom is really hurt my everything we have been fighting over and what I have put her through. I can’t do this to her, I can’t do this at all. I seriously just want this and everything to just stop. Please make it stop. My mom said so many hurtful things at lunch and then for her to cry just put me through so many emotions. Im just really, really hurt and want to feel like I belong somewhere and am really loved and cared for. I want/wish I could just have a mom that understands me and sees me as I am, not the person I am supposed to be. I want a mom who would have hugged me as I cried, and would just give me physical affection the way a daughter deserved. I am really hurt after what happened today. Part of me thinks I could burst into pears, part of me wants to self harm, and part of me wants to go completely silent. I wish I could do all of these things right now. I just wish I could change everything and start a new life because I am so alone in this world and I wish I could be saved but, I can’t be. Who am I? Where am I? Im so very sorry. I just really wish everything would stop for a while. I wish I could be truly open. I want to feel safe.

6/7/18

My body image isn’t something I talk about often, mainly because of the reaction I receive. Everyone views body image as something on the outside but, what if body image is really on the outside? Then what? Does that mean we can no longer give each other compliments to help boost someones self esteem and confidence? I personally don’t think that’s really what it means. I think there is more to body image than just out physical appearance. Just because we may benefit or physically be healthy, doesn’t mean we can’t have a bad body image. Our body image is our view of ourselves, whether it is realistic or not.

Starting yesterday, I am cross tracking with the eating disorder program (ED). I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I figured it would just be set up kind of like lecture however, I was very wrong. The first portion we did was Q+A which gave us all the time to ask a question for the dietician there. This I found really helpful and informative. I think this was a great ‘first impression’ to part of the program. I thought this was going to be the full two hours. Instead at 10:45 we had to ‘snack’ which was really scary to do and pushed me way outside my comfort zone. We have to eat something, can’t look at the nutritional facts, and can’t skip. We have certain options of what we can eat and we have to participate whether we like it or not. Looking at it now, its probably a good thing we are required to eat because otherwise, majority of us wouldn’t. This is still scary for me since this was my first time and I had no option as to whether or not to eat. The last portion of ED was skills group for body image. This is by far what bothered me most about the entire thing. I was so scared of judgement that I barely learned the program. Judgement is one thing that is really difficult to me yet many parents don’t understand why I can’t just completely start eating and be normal. I didn’t chose this so don’t treat me like I did. I got bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life by both people at school and at home. I still think about it to see if you are all even good for me in the slightest. Majority of me thinks that if the negative people in your life are family, you don’t have any other option that to suck it up and deal with them. The other side of me believes I should immediately leave if being around these people are negative, even if they are family. They have the choice not to be negative yet, they are still being negative, its all  a decision and you have to do whats best for you. Going back to the eating topic, the body image portion of ED was so difficult because it not only had me writing what my negative thoughts were but, also written the reason behind them.

Sooo… my favorite pen ran out of ink….its a very sad day. Also, I think (maybe) I am getting my appetite back, and now that I have gone so ling without it, I don’t want it back. I have lost 23 pounds now and I am slowly getting happy with what I look like. I know its not healthy how I lost the weight but, my body is adjusting and I don’t want to stop. Its not like I have a full blown eating disorder, others I would commit fully to change. I don’t see that much wrong with only eating one mean a day. I eat mean and other food categories to get the vitamins I need. I know I should be eating more, I guess its just hard when I don’t think I have a issue. I don’t want to admit I am semi using this as self harm because then it almost feels like I haven’t actually been clean from self harm, I have just switched ways. I want to be healthy, I do, I just don’t want to disappoint myself even more than I already do. I wish I could just be normal, be like the pretty girls who eat like everything and gain no weight, or even a girl who never eats and loses weight. I just want to be good enough for once instead of always feeling like I am a worthless failure. Will I ever be good enough for myself or others? Do I even matter anymore? If I can eat and hate every part of my body then I can easily not eat and act like everything is okay. My body can easily manage and function and understand what I see. I get one mean per day and now they want me to be at three means a day with two or three snacks. I haven’t been like that ever and now I have to go from zero to three means with snacks. How am I supposed to do this? How do I do this especially when I don’t even really know if I am really ready to fully recover. I don’t want to be self sabotaging even more than I probably already am, but I don’t know if full recovery is the point I am at right now. I feel like I should constantly say I am at zero days clean but, not everyone considers restricting at self harm. Its on a fine line. I wish I could see what others see, maybe then it would be easier going through program. Honestly, this program has pushed me to my limits and that will be really good in the end but right now it really sucks.

6/4/18

I sometimes question if I am overthinking or not thinking at all. Everything is always black and white in my eyes. No grey. Its hard to make a decision when I don’t know if I am overthinking or not thinking enough. I see motivation and laziness the same way, black and white. I get frustrated with myself as I try to see the difference between lack of motivation and laziness in myself. When I look at the two, I feel they are very different yet when I try to think of exact reasons, I can describe very few. The other issue I face is the huge difference in others versus myself.I always give others the benefit of the doubt but, I am my own worst critique.

I was asked to move into my “second family’s” home. This is something I think I have been overthinking yet, not thinking productively about. I seem to think about this over and over thus just causing myself unnecessary stress instead of slowing my thinking and trying to make sense of what I want to do. I also struggle to differentiate what I am doing for myself versus what I am doing for others, primarily my parents. When I think about moving in with my “second family”, my initial thought is that I want to. I won’t have to pay for food or gas, no rent or utility bills, and they will pay me to help around the house. Moving in would almost be like a job in the sense of money. If I think about it in a personal way, I see it as a way to gain confidence, fend for myself, ask for and receive support and keep myself safe. When I really think about it, there are many pro’s to moving in with them. When I think about the con’s however, I don’t know if these are my thoughts and feelings, or my parents. I wonder if moving in with them would be too big of a step and very overwhelming for me, or if these are my parents thoughts, (primarily my mom’s) running through my head. It makes me questions what are actually my thoughts and what are my parent’s views. I know my parents and I can have the same view on something but, with many things I have a gut feeling I don’t share these same views with them. I sometimes struggle with this same issue when it comes to money. I worry that moving out of my parents house would mean they will no longer support me financially and that I would not be able to support myself. I know that right now I am reliant on my parents to help support me but, I know I allow them to control me because of my money. My parents tend to hold money over me, causing my to start seeing their point of view and change my thoughts to match theirs. The thing is, I can’t blame any of this on my parents because I am old enough to go and get a job and help to support myself financially. I know there is nothing physically stopping my from trying to get a job to support myself yet I sit in my home actions as if I can’t get a job when I haven’t even really tried. This is where I get lost as to if this is lack of motivation stopping me from trying to get a job or simple laziness. I always end up thinking about suicide because I don’t want to face my own life or work but, I don’t know or understand my own reasoning behind it, whether it be lack of motivation or laziness. I know I feel this way partly due to depression which took a lot of my sense of pleasure and motivation away. I don’t know if I have too little motivation to continue living life or if I just don’t want to put in the effort it takes to live life even when it gets hard. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore as I make such a change and realization in my thoughts and actions. Going back to the possibility of moving in with my second family, I think there are some con’s to moving in and pro’s to staying in my own room at home. While many of the pro’s I am aware are my own thoughts, and the con’s are many of my families thoughts, I still sometimes start to overthink it. I am so scared of making this wrong decision that I then won’t make any decision at all. I get in the way of my own well-being and then get frustrated even though its my own fault. I am always looking for a escape instead of a way to deal with my own thoughts. I’m simply running away from what I have been through even though it will just follow my wherever I go. If I want them to go away forever then I need to face them and work through them which is easier said than done. I think I am just scared of remembering what happened and feeling like I am going through these events all over again. I always just want to pretend that my past didn’t happen, then I won’t be as broken as I am now. I think part of me sees all of this like “if it didn’t happen” ➡️”I won’t be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I don’t have any valid reason to be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I deserve this pain because it is my own fault”➡️”Beating myself up and punishing myself for these feelings is deserved”➡️”I’m worthless”. This is what everything comes down to, feeling completely worthless all day, everyday. I put myself through constant pain because I am used to being comfortable with the pain. Feeling like I have worth is new to me and something I am not used to so I have to learn how to feeling this way. Its scary. I just don’t know if I am ready for such a big change in my life but, I don’t know if I will ever actually be ready. Maybe Jeff is right, maybe I just need a push to get started and go from there, I see it as like a little jump start to a car except, its me. I want to push myself but, every time I try I feel like something is holding me back. I’m so good at seeing everything in black and white but, now my entire world is grey.

I guess a major fear of mine is facing my parents knowing moving here would mean I can never self harm again and I would never be able to kill myself. I would never do anything that would impact the kids in a negative way like that. I love this family and am so thankful for them. I don’t think I have ever been somewhat comfortable admitting I am suicidal or any type of danger to myself. I feel safe with hem, which is a feeling I love even though its kinda scary. I just want to feel safe. Will I ever feel truly safe with myself? Or will I always be relying on someone to save me in a way? I just want to feel safe and okay, even when I might now be. Maybe then I will stop having suicidal thoughts.

I have been thinking about this a lot but never actually started doing it. I want to write a suicide note to the world. Not individual people, and not doing it as a first step towards suicide, but just something to make me think about what I am truly feeling inside behind all of my emotions. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I am slightly scared I will talk myself into suicide. Especially since I have already been thinking about it even without having suicide notes for everyone. Here I go.

“Dear World,

We have had a complicated relationship from the start. From abuse, to bullying, to being consider a outsider in a way, you have always pushed my limits. I feel like we are at a constant war and I keep trying to push back but, I can’t. I am tied to the floor while you are completely free. I know the world isn’t fair but, sometimes I just wish the world would actually support me instead of always pushing me down. What did I do to you that you decided I deserve this life? Why do you always push me closer and closer to suicide? You have always had a plan for me, did you plan for me to commit suicide before I turn 21? Maybe the reason I so badly want to end my life is to say “fuck you” in a way, you can no longer hurt me. You are the reason I want to end my life, and you will be the reason I DO end my life. I will kill myself and its all because you never gave me a minute to breathe. You put me through abuse my entire life, let me be bullied everyday, you put me through decision someone my age should never have to make. I am been selfish by ending my life like this and I am okay with being selfish this time.”

I can’t even put into words how much I honestly wish I could write individual suicide notes. I am tired of living and going through this pain every single day when I did nothing to deserve this pain. Why can’t I just kill myself and end this hurt? Why do I not even have control over my own life? How is this fair? I guess the issue is that I can still end my life if I really wan’t to. I don’t plan to but realistically I have the option to. I know I shouldn’t be thankful I at least have the option to attempt if I really want to, but unfortunately, I am. I’m slightly scared to be honest. I want to live even thought so much of me wants to die.  I hate feeling like I am crying for help but, someone please save me. I am trying so hard to save myself and so many time I do but, right now I just don’t know if I can do this completely on my own. I don’t know if this is a fight I can fight all on my own. I hate feeling worthless and vulnerable because I am asking for help like this. I don’t want to feel even more weak. I’m scared and handling this is the worst feeling I ever have when it comes to this. Im not okay but, I’m okay. Take that message as you wish. Just know I am broken and fragile right now. Im sorry for putting this on you but, if you are reading this then you know I actually trust you to help me, and know when I need to stop being pushed and just be held in place.

Trail

I walk through a forest preserve to clear my head and get some fresh aid. As I walk, I see two trails in different directions. One to the left, and one to the right. No trail markers, just two paths forcing you to make a decision. It seems like it would be such a simple decision yet if you really think about it, its a difficult decision to make. I see it like this, one path is the choice of recovery, the choice of taking care of myself, and the choice to accept my future. The other path however, is no change, no recovery, only putting others first, and pretending everything is okay. Everyone tells me to chose the path of recovery and self love but something always holds me back. Am I truly ready for recovery? Am I ready to love myself? Am I ready to face the shame? I stare down both paths seeing the good and bad to both. Which path should I go down? I talk about this trail but, this is what recovery looks like to me. A constant decision making process with no right or wrong, everything is grey. I take one step forward and look down both paths one more time before starting to walk down the path or recovery. I may stop sometimes and take on or two steps back but, I always continue to take more steps down the path of recovery. I will always make mistakes along the way but, I will always continue walking down the trail or recovery.

Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and I

I walk into a room and ask for a table for four. They ask, “Who are you waiting for?” and I say “No one, they are already here.”. The waiter, clearly puzzled, walks me to my table and walks away. Only I see who I am sitting with because, they are already with me, all day, everyday. I don’t always talk to them or respond when they talk to. me but, they always follow. A party of four, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and I. That all talk while I sit with them quietly but, I can’t ask them to leave because they never leave. Everyday is a constant battle as I try to get rid of them forever, even though that might be impossible. I try to fight them until they all share on chair quietly in the corner but, most likely they will never completely leave. We will always be ‘four’ however, I will only need a table for one.

The waiter walks up to me and asks, “How many people?” and I proudly say “Just one.”

No Erasers

We write in pencil so that we can erase our mistake or anything we don’t like. We only use pen when we know we won’t make any mistakes, or when signing something important so we can’t quickly erase it if we change out mind. I think that’s why so many people write in pencil, if they make a mistake they think it doesn’t mean anything. The thing is, what we say and do in life is all written in pen. There is no eraser to take back whatever action we decided we didn’t like in the first place. Stop using pencil, stop being afraid of making a mistake or showing you aren’t perfect. Write in pen, be confident, be proud, accept your mistakes and be okay with nothing being truly perfect. Show the world who you are, WRITE IN BOLD! You were made to write in pen, otherwise you wouldn’t have been given one.

Love,

Your Pen