5/15/18

I came out as bisexual in December of 2016. When I came out it was one of the most difficult things to process and accept, and I tried to deny it every chance I got. I have slowly come to terms with it and now I am proud of it because it is part of who I am. It is no different than being straight, its just who I love, it doesn’t make me any different than anyone else. Unfortunately, many people don’t share those same views and believe that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community should be deported or shamed. People can be beyond rude to anyone in our community and it is hurtful beyond belief. What is even more hurtful is when people use “Gay” as an insult, or as a joke. Saying “thats so gay” is somewhat offensive, saying “stop being so gay” is hurtful, saying “I have a gay friend so” or “I look so gay” is hurtful. Saying “Faggot” is the most offensive thing to me and I do not want anyone in my life who says that. Saying Gay isn’t a bad thing when you don’t mean it as an insult or joke or use it to shame us. There is no reason that the LGBTQ+ community should be targeted for being ourselves. If you use any LGBTQ+ term as an insult or joke, please stop. Please think before you speak because what you say can hurt.

Educate yourself.

5/11/18

I have been thinking about so much lately that it feels as if my brain is a tornado, spinning in circles 100mph and causing so much damage alone the way. The tornado moves slowly which just causes more damage to everything in its path. The tornado in my head is the overthinking that I feel as if I have no control of until my mind gives me a break from it, leaving me wondering when it might happen again. Lately it feels as if my brain is tornado season since I overthink non stop. It focuses on one thing for a long period of time before drifting to a new topic just like a tornado moves from town to town.

Fuck you. (To the person who has to have constant control over me.)

5/10/18

Today I did something I never thought I would do and I am so proud of myself, I told the entire group that I’m bisexual. It felt so good to say it out loud and express who I am on a deeper level. I have had a somewhat stressful yet relieving day. I met with my case worker this morning and I was kind of anxious about it but I didn’t say anything about it, which I wish I did. We talked about my list that I mentioned in the last past and what emotions I felt during it. I was disappointed in myself as I read all of these distorted thoughts I had and were letting myself continue to satisfy, mainly because none of them express who I really am as a person. My case manager also informed me that I am switching to IOP which is something I thought I would be really excited for but now that its here I’m kind of nervous and anxious for the change. Its weird to see how something I so badly didn’t want to do before is now something I want to stay in for longer. Its a good way to view how I can change my mindset and things can get better and make myself more aware of it. Switching to IOP means I am getting so much better and looking at my daily task sheets and seeing how many time I have been able to circle that I haven’t been suicidal is the best feeling in the world. Its progress, progress I never thought I would ever be able to gain. It shows how strong I am, and I’m a fighter which will never change. I can still be strong and a fighter and be anxious about how I going to handle switching to IOP. Its more time that I am not sure exactly how I am going to manage and its okay to be anxious about that. I will learn step by step, baby steps. It doesn’t matter how fast I finish the race, only that I never stop going.

I have spoken openly on my blog about my feelings towards my family. I love my mom but we are so different and it makes it hard to get along and relate with her sometimes. Lately I haven’t been home much because honestly it is just easier not to be there. I have spoken to my mom everyday and now she is getting kind of upset and annoyed that I’m not home more and it sucks that she can’t see my point of view. I hate myself so much for not wanting to spend time with her and I wish I could just change my mind but I can’t. I can’t just magically want to spend time with her all the time, if I could I would have by now. I know there is so many feelings that are keeping me back from wanting to spend more time with her and truthfully I don’t know if I am really ready to feel those emotions. I thought I had forgiven my mom and that everything was fine and now im realizing that maybe thats not the case. Maybe everything isn’t okay and I just keep trying to shut out all of my feelings. I think that’s something I have gotten really used to doing and now I do it automatically, and now I am trying to change my entire state of mind and I don’t know how to do that without destroying a piece of me in the process. Maybe that is what I am supposed to do so I can replace that piece with the real me but what if thats not the case. My past will always be there and I can never really forget that but I have the power to change me and change the future and I am so fucking scared to do it. I am not fucking ready to let go of everything I was raised learning and basically become a new person. That new person is probably already developed and I am just scared to express it because it means taking the power back and showing the world who I am instead of this scared little girl who can’t even get out of her own head. Its so damn unfair that I was born into this life and that now I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life when I don’t even really know if I want to. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live the rest of my life because I don’t see positive in the future and I don’t want to be in this constant pain for the rest of my life but, I don’t get to escape living. I can’t hit control+alt+delete on living. I am just dealt a set of cards that are my life and all I can do is play the cards i’m dealt the best I can. If I died I would hurt so many people in my life and I wish that nobody cared about me so I could just end my life without anyone being hurt but I know if I did it right now I would hurt so many people in my life and I can’t do that. I should want to live for me and part of me does so that someday I can make a change in the world and help others that are in the same place I am and so that someday I can see my kids learn how to ride a bike and see all of the love in the world. What hurts is that so much of me doesn’t want to live and make a difference. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live and wake up everyday knowing what has happened to me and having to continue fighting the demons in my head and someday see everything taken away from me like it always is. As soon as I get close to something I lose it or I run from it because I can’t see how anyone would want anything to do with me and the more people I get close with means even more people I would hurt if I did end my life. I just want to run away from this life and start over and that’s not how life works. I wish I could go back and change what I went through but I can’t. I want to change the future but I am so scared to that I continue to let my past hurt me every day. I don’t see myself as anything other than my past and that hurts. I want to see me and I guess I’m scared that when I do find the real me that I will hate her. I just want to go back and change everything and I can’t change anything but the future and I keep fucking that up everyday. Why can’t I just be different. Why can’t I just change like I want to so bad, why do I keep self sabotaging myself. Why do I keep breaking myself even more when i’m already shattered. The only thing that is standing between my current self and the person I want to be is the wall that I just continue to build knowing that its my own fault I can’t change. I can let go of the past and everything I have been through but instead I don’t.

5/9/18

I thought that once I got comfortable with being here in PHP that everything would simply become easier. Truthfully I think the exact opposite is happening. The farther I come in program the more I begin to feel every emotion that has been hurting me for so long and its so uncomfortable, especially since I haven’t let myself feel them for so long. I always say I have a hard time letting my walls down for others to come in and understand me but the more I think about it, those walls are more like flood gates and its just kind of a matter of time until the emotions overflow over the gate and i’m forced to deal with them, instead of letting myself feel then bit by bit so the gate doesn’t overflow. I think that maybe thats what i’m finally really tying to do, let myself feel my emotions so they don’t end up overflowing.

Yesterday I met with my case manager and it was really hard to deal with honestly. I had wrote all of the self harm I do and then the exact opposite of it. The I wrote the consequences, risks, and pro’s to doing the action. When I was finished it was about two pages long which was honestly sad to look at. When I met with my case manager she read what I had wrote down and we talked about it, and I basically broke my own heart. For so many of the self harm action I wrote such distorted things in the pro column like “I feel the pain I think I deserve. Punishment. I will like myself more”. It was so sad to then read the actions such as no restricting, no cutting, no bruising, and reading things like “I won’t get the punishment I need, I will have no release, I will have to feel” in the consequence column. Like I never realized how distorted so many of my thoughts were until I was made aware of some of the things I wrote down. The thing is, the distorted thoughts that I wrote down weren’t from me, they were the exact things that grandma would do to me, and the things that I now do to myself because I keep thinking into the past. I let so much of my past control my present and I know if I don’t start to make changes then my past will continue to control me into the future. I want to know who I am without depression, without my grandmas voice in my head and me letting it control me. I have a option to not let it control me but I am, and I’m mighty and have the power to change that. I can regain control over myself and find who I really am. I will regain control of myself and see myself for who I really am, not my past.

I think a small piece of me is scared to find out who I am without all of these things hurting me. Probably because it makes me uncomfortable because I have never had it before and its such a big change, one I never truly thought I would be ready for. Sometimes the things you fear the most are the best things for you. I just have to come to terms with that now, which will take time, but there is no better time than now. I am really fucking mighty, hear me roar. 

5/8/18

Part of being in PHP is process group, which is basically where we all talk about our main issue and ask for support and how others deal with the same type of issue. Today I didn’t bring up my question but related to someone else and told everyone I struggle to love myself. I also brought up that when I stopped self harm for three months was when I attempted suicide and now that I am trying to get all of my ducks in a row all at once, I don’t really know how to manage it all. By the end of group it felt like the entire topic was on me and I was having one very intense 1 on 1 session.  I guess right now I am trying to sort out in my head  how to validate my feelings without losing touch with my feelings. I think that is something I do a lot, because I tell myself that it is okay to feel hurt and then non directly telling myself it is okay to harm myself or not eat. I guess I just never really thought about it more in depth and now I am and I don’t know completely how to make sense of it all. I am basically self sabotaging myself by coming here to start to love myself and build self worth and then coming here and restricting and self harming. Self harming and restricting is basically feeding into my depression, the thing that I am trying to conquer the most.

I can’t really get self sabotage out of my head, probably because its evidence that I am doing to myself what Grandma used to do to me. I always say I want to get better and say I am putting the work in but am I really? How can I really be putting the work in when I am still continuing to hurt myself just like grandma used to? I honestly feel disappointed in myself, like I have been not only lying to others but mostly lying to myself.  I thought I was ready to fully recover and now I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know if I really am or if I am just faking it in a way. I always like to think that I have my life together but in reality, I don’t have it together in the slightest. I am so scared of actually feeling my feelings that I put up my walls to protect myself from others, but that doesn’t protect me from myself. I am my own worst enemy in this battle and I am letting myself get hurt more and more but smile and act like everything is okay because I am in treatment.

I always blame grandma for me restricting because she would call me fat and make me go for runs and was so hard on me, but maybe its not completely her fault. She is a neutral prompt that I am assigning a value, and that value hurts me. I think I am using restricting and self harm as a way to take back control, but in reality I am giving up even more control to them. In order for me to take control back I need to stop feeding the depression which means I need to stop restricting and stop self harming and to actually talk about my feelings behind all of it. I’m honestly more scared of talking about my feelings than the possible complications of restricting and self harm. Last night I wrote a pro’s and con’s list of all of the self harm I do and then the opposite. Reading it now I’m so sad and frustrated at myself for putting myself through so much hurt when I have the option to not be doing any of this to myself. Im hurting myself simply because I don’t want to do the hard work and actually talk about and feel my real, deep emotions. I just keep building my walls up higher and higher until something comes and knocks it down and then I have to build the wall up all over again. I just continue to be my own worst enemy and I don’t think twice about it. So what do I do now that I am conscious of what I have been doing to myself? CHANGE.

“Change starts with you”, and now is that time. I have to change the patterns I have continued to do to myself and I have to do it because I want to, not because someone else is forcing me to. “

5/7/18

I haven’t typed anything in a while, I guess thats because I haven’t been ready to actually face my feelings. Truly, I still don’t know if I am actually ready to but sometimes your biggest fear is the best thing for you, and this is one of those cases. I am still in PHP and it has been one of the roughest periods I have gone through in life and there are many days I don’t know if I will actually make it through. I just feel like I am in a constant fight with my own brain and while I have people who say they are here to support me, I still feel like I am completely alone. How do I justify feeling like I am completely alone when so many people want to support me. Maybe because nobody truly understands exactly what is going through my head. I am kind of just like a lost puppy that was left alone in a box on the street, with people constantly walking past me and petting me and on the rare occasion being taken home, but never kept for long.  I just become a bother to whoever takes me home, and I just get returned back to the box I originally started in.

Everyone tells me that i’m not a bother, but the issue is that even if I was, most people wouldn’t tell me. I always grew up and would go to a friends house and my mom would always say “don’t out stay your welcome”, and that has always been in the back of my head with everything I do. I guess mixing that with anxiety and constant overthinking doesn’t go very will. Honestly it hurts because I never feel like I am truly loved or cared about, as if I am staring at the other person through a fence. We can talk but they can never come to my side and see my world completely, only what they see through the fence. I feel trapped. I can’t trust anyone because I am constantly afraid that they are going to get bothered by me and not want me around anymore but don’t want to be rude and say it. I never can truly know whether or not someone is being completely honest with me. I guess that is something that I want to work on most, getting out of my own head for a while and seeing things clearly, even if I can only see bits and pieces clearly. Something is better than nothing, right? I don’t want to be constantly afraid like I’m the lost puppy that someone brought home, kept for a while, just to return it back to its original box. I want to trust that I am actually liked and matter in this world and arn’t just one huge bother.

Overthinking is always what gets me into the most trouble, because many time what I am overthinking results in the wrong answer and essentially hurting myself in a way by putting me through so much stress, anxiety, and fear. My psychiatrist asked me something today after I told him that I self harm as punishment. He asked, “Which is harder to deal with and sit in, talking about your feeling and emotions and actually feeling them, or cutting?” I said that it would be harder to actually talk and truly feel my feelings, and he said “Exactly, so talking about your feelings is more of a punishment than cutting so focus on that instead of hurting yourself.” I never really thought of it like that and now I keep thinking about it and its honestly one of the only things that I can’t find a way to overthink that results in me hurting myself. Probably because its so true, I am terrified to have to actually feel my feelings and talk about what happened completely. It hurts worse than any cut or bruise ever could, just without anyone seeing. I mean, its still really hard and going to be hard to watch this last time I self harmed heal but maybe in a way its a start to actually recovering, even if I have to see it as a punishment to myself.

I saw my case manager at the end of the day today and broke down crying to her, which is something I never do. I cried because I am so hurt inside and now i’m so scared of what feeling is actually like that I can’t let my walls down completely no matter how hard I try.  Depression, self harm, and restricting have always been safety blankets in a way, and I have gotten very comfortable with them. But now I have to voluntarily give up those blankets and show myself for who I truly am.

4/11/18

“Was this self harm or a suicide attempt?”

How are you supposed to answer that question when you don’t even know yourself. What about when you tell everyone it was self harm because that is what you always say…. but maybe it wasn’t. What was actually going through your head as you sat there staring at the pills in your hand wishing you could take more? Were you truly hoping you would be okay, or was that your automatic response because you are too scared to show people that you truly arn’t okay? What then? I told you guys what happened this past weekend and typing that out was really hard for me, because I truly didn’t know if it was just self harm or if that actually could be considered a suicide attempt. I wasn’t ready to even consider accepting the thoughts that were going through my head at that time. I always see everything in black and white but this is different. This I keep trying to see in black and white and I feel like it falls into a grey area that I have no way of understanding. How do you even know what to ask to get help when you don’t even understand what the topic is.

Sitting there staring at the pills I was texting two people, however I didn’t tell them what I was doing in that moment. I told them ten minutes later when I realized I had no control over anything that would happen from that point on in my body. I knew it wasn’t a overdose, and truthfully that entire night I wanted so badly to take all of the pills I had, but I didn’t. I knew what would happen if I took all of them, but I didn’t know what would happen taking a certain amount. Is this too little? Is this too much? I was scared because there was so much that I didn’t know, and those two people I was talking to knew I was scared. The difference, one asked me if this was a suicide attempt and the other automatically assumed it was self harm. One questioned me when I quickly said it was self harm because she knew it could quite possibly be complete BS. The other was too focused on what was going on in my body physically to ask what was happening mentally.

I am suicidal, but that doesn’t mean I will for sure act on it, but it means I’ve considered. I have stood in the mirror and wondered if this was the last night that I would live or if I would get up tomorrow morning and go through the same routine I do everyday. Im strong, but do not underestimate the weak part of me. I know my depression is not me clearly thinking, but I listen to it, and some days it is more convincing than I admit to others. This is not a suicide note saying that I am giving up this week and I see no hope, this is a note asking that you see more than the words I say, because I will get hurt by protecting myself from others, and nobody will truly know what happened. This is a note saying I need you but I will never say it because that means I have given up a tiny piece of control that I am holding onto. I know some of you who read this blog and others of you I don’t know but wish I could. Understand me when I say this because this is the truth, I do not need to go to the hospital, I will not go into any program no matter how many messages you send me, but I need your help to keep me safe and I trust you to do that. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck if you only send me one text a day asking “How are you feeling”, but those of you who know me in person and have the privilege to read this, I need you, don’t make me invisible. That one text a day may mean a lot more than you think it does.

Im scared of hitting publish because I don’t know how some of you will react when reading this, and i’m not sure I am ready to actually know your reaction to it. Please be gentle.

 

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