My chest feels as if someone punched me. It hurts to breathe. I know this feeling. I’ve been here before – in a safe place – feeling as if the entire world is out to get me. I’m sitting on the couch, feeling as if I am about to die, and i’m the only one that knows. I know I have no control over what is happening and the only thing that is going to stop this is…. well…. no longer breathing.
I hate this. More than any feeling that exists. I despise this feeling of choking on air without even opening my mouth. I want to scream, but the words get stuck in my throat, making it even harder to breathe. The world is spinning, and i’m not even moving. Nothing feels reals, as if the world is just a game, with everyone just being the pieces.
I stand up, the spinning gets worse, i’m shaking, not able to even feel every step I take towards my room. I’m frozen against my door, not able to comprehend anything happening now, only able to see the past. Every light is too bright, every sound means danger, and my heart is beating too loudly. My heart is going to stop soon, isn’t it? Isn’t this how someone dies? Isn’t this how my family finds me: curled up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom?
Should I text someone? No, nobody will be able to help me. I’m alone. I will bother anyone I tell, they all have better things to do than deal with me. I don’t deserve help. They deserve better than my tears and failures.
I am going to throw up or pass out. Or both. My body reacts to the world in the way I know it is not supposed to. But I have no control over what is happening to me. My muscles control themselves, not obeying the signals my brain is sending to them. They bring me to my knees, feeling of my entire body being crushed. I cry and say “Please don’t let them do this to me again”, my brain thinking immediately to being screamed at and beat. I’m drowning in my own tears as I suffocate, my brain not listening to my cries for this to stop. I have no control so I ride the crashing waves, allowing myself to come closer and closer to drowning simply because I can’t remember how to swim.
I can’t remember how to open my eyes. They are squeezed so tightly shut that my head starts to hurt. Headaches are a sign of a brain disease, right? I am going to die. The world is black and that all I can notice. Is it night or am I dead? No, my eyes are still closed, still somehow managing to shed tears to the point it looks like a water bottle spilled.
I start to regain control of my limbs, still shaking too much to do anything. The short breaths that are choking me slow down enough for me to feel as if I might not die in this second. I know this feeling. There was a trigger somewhere that caused this. I am safe. I am not going to die, not majorly injured, even though I am beyond exhausted from attempting to fight something I had not chance to against. I breathe a sigh of relief, reminding myself I am safe.
I can think clearly, even though I know that the thoughts following this are always suicidal. Disappointment. My biggest fear and the cause of what just happened. Why am I scared of disappointing people so badly? Is it the connection between this and the emotional and physical pain? Does it let me see my own failures?
The hug. That’s what started this feeling in the first place. He hugged me, tight, the kind of hug where you are held so tight your entire body is touching whether you like it or not. One hand on my lower back, the other grabbing tightly on my hip, right where the pain from the world is written on my skin. I try to lean back, letting him know he needs to let go. Now. He didn’t let go, that’s when the fight or flight clicked in. I push hard to get him off, not fast enough to get away before he kissed my neck. He doesn’t know what hes doing, he doesn’t understand anything anymore.
Is this thing the reason my brain sees these things this way? Pain and pleasure together, yet a overwhelming fear of it? This thought always stuck in the back of my head, scared it might happen to me all over again. Why couldn’t I figure out what happened sooner. Why did I have to wait until a guy said those same words to me as she said for me to remember all of the pain that went on. Why doesn’t it all make sense? There was a man always at her house and I was terrified he would do this thing to me, again. Again. I remember saying the word out loud, this memory that has never gone away no matter how hard I have tried. What happened the first time, was it was she did? Or was it something he did that my brain refuses to let me remember? I want to remember, I need to remember.
If the domino’s are lined up correctly, once one falls, they all fall. I guess most of mine happen to be lined up, because once I let the first one fall, I felt the rest crashing in the background. I keep trying to set them all back up yet something keeps crashing them all right back down. Is it all of my failures and mistakes? Am I essentially sabotaging myself? What is happening that everything I think I understand gets proved wrong.
I have so many questions yet I can’t figure out any of the answers, but is there any exact answers? Is there ever with this though.