6/11/18

Pretty much no matter what I do, I always disappoint myself. I can’t say I haven’t been semi-disappointed in myself with coming to the decision to move out. I love my parents but, I need a different kind of support right now that I need from my second family. For me, this is what putting myself first looks like, even though it might be hard for others. I shouldn’t feel like I’m in a daily battle against my family, I should feel like my family is supporting me in every way. I wish my family could/would understand why I am so hurt by them and why I don’t really want anything to do with them right now. Honestly, Its not eventually their fault, I’m just not ready to forgive them yet for everything in the past when they refuse to even talk about it or admit it happened. I feel like I’m fighting this battle all on my own and I shouldn’t feel like that. I always put my mom’s feelings before my own and while sometimes that might be the right thing to do, not all day everyday. I am my own person and I should be able to treat myself like one. I have set my decision in stone for this reason. If I don’t then I know my decision will change because of my mom’s feelings. I know she is really hurt by this and I don’t want to put her through this at all, but I need this for myself even if she doesn’t agree with it and it possibly hurting her. I main thing stopping me from already telling my mom is that Jack is still in his current room and hasn’t moved yet and we also don’t know what is currently going on with my dad. I know this is technically putting other’s feelings before my own but, if my dad is going to get really sick again or pass away, the I would rather stay at home and spend as much time with him as I can. I think right now that is one of the only reasons I might change my decision to move out. I am always just overthinking my decision to move out. Change is really hard for me and right now I am the one choosing to make the change. I guess the best I can do is plan for how I want to pack, how I want my room laid out. I love lookin gat Pinterest so it could be calming like writing.

No. I’m sorry…. Im not sorry

2/12/18

I had started typing a post about my feelings towards my dad but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say. I don’t know if its because its such a sensitive topic for me or because there is still some part of me that wants nothing more than to deny that any of this happened or is happening. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning and see how far I can get this time.

When I was younger I was a daddy girl. I didn’t really want anything to do with my mom until I was older. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved my mom and the times when I felt safe and loved by her. The times when we would curl up on the couch, watch a movie, and end up falling asleep in her arms meant the world to me. Majority of the time though, that wasn’t the case. Usually she would get home and the only words she would say to me were “hi bean” and “goodnight sweetheart”. Its not that my mom didn’t care, but she worked all day everyday and didn’t have time for a kid. She wanted someone she could live her dream life through, and I couldn’t do that for her.

My dad was some someone who loved spending time with me, no matter how tired he was,  and even when he didn’t have the time. I loved spending time with him and I did every second I had the chance. The only issue was that my dad had a temper. If I did anything wrong, especially when it involved my grandma, he made sure I knew I did wrong. For every good memory I have, I have one that involved a hit, yelling, or both. That still bothers me a lot.

I can remember some of the memories so clear I can think about it and its like I am there again, and I wish I couldn’t remember them at all. I was around ten when I had started crying every night. I didn’t even know why I was crying sometimes, it would just kinda happen. More days than not I had cried myself to sleep, and I remember how hard I always tried to stay silent because I wasn’t allowed to close my door. I was so scared that my parents would find out, because any other time I cried and they knew they would make fun of me or yell at me, unless it was caused by getting hurt bad physically. Even now I’m scared to cry in front of anyone because of that.

The older I got the more I started to get frustrated with how he treated me, and the more I wished I could yell back at him. When my uncle passed away my relationship with my dad changed a lot and when my grandma passed away it changed even more. I didn’t think it was possible to change any more than it already had, then he got diagnosed with cancer and it did… quickly.

The treatment has been really hard on him as well as me and my mom. The longer he has been doing treatment the worse his health has got. The treatment is basically killing him as quick as the cancer is right now. I don’t know how much longer they are going to be able to continue treatment. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t scared of whats happening. I really don’t want to lose my dad, even though I know its coming much sooner than I want either way.

It’s a lot harder dealing with this after going through all of it with grandma. If I didn’t know everything that’s gonna happen maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. He’s so sick at this point its not even like he’s the same dad I grew up with. He’s not even the same dad I had when he first started treatment. Its been really hard watching this happen, and knowing even this time I am powerless especially. No matter what I do I will never get the dad I grew up with back, and knowing that sucks more than words can describe. Until about a month ago at least some part of me was holding out hope that things would get better. That hope is gone, and I hate saying that but I know that things aren’t going to get better. My dad won’t see me graduate from college and won’t be there on my wedding day. This all just really hurts.

I wish that the memories we were making at this point were good ones, but they aren’t in the slightest. My dad is being a complete jerk, there is no other way to put it. Almost everyday he does something that makes me feel beyond frustrated at him and then I feel like the worst daughter ever for being super angry at my dad who has cancer. I hate that the second I do anything wrong he snaps at me with either disappointment or anger. I am trying the best I can and for once I want my best to be good enough. I wouldn’t feel as awful as I do if he wasn’t so sick, but the fact that I am so beyond frustrated with him even when he’s sick just makes me feel like a terrible daughter.

I always try to end these things with something positive but I literally can’t even think of something to put that would make anything better. I spent this entire night crying because of both the good and bad memories I have with my dad. This all just hurts more than I can even express and no matter how many times I try to type this out, I can’t find the words.

 

2/6/18

As long as I can remember, I have faced people who decided to treat me as nothing simply because I was a easy target in their eyes. Some people had reasons for why they treated me a certain way while others came after me because they had nothing better to do. I was raised to respect those who respect me while the people who were teaching me that didn’t respect me in the slightest. Somehow I still managed to keep that Moto even though nobody around me did. Well, I should say that they didn’t keep that Moto in regards to me because I was young and because I was also raised to respect my elders, no matter how much older they were than me and no matter how they treated me.

I started college by immediately being judged by the fact I didn’t grow up in a big town with a graduating class of 700. I was judged for being determined to make something of myself while being only 18. We all have to start at the bottom sometime. The issue is, everyone has a different bottom.  I didn’t get to where I am now very easily, I worked for what I wanted and it shouldn’t matter what age I am.

I started working in financial aid at my college when I was only 18 and nobody thought someone my age would even last the first day. 15 months later, I’m still here working as hard as I can. I take a lot of pride in my work ethic, and I get easily frustrated when I see other’s doing a job at 50% because they don’t care. Right now I am senior student worker, which is a fancy title for working there a year more than everyone else and being the only student worker that is trusted to put 150% into something.

Today I worked all day and then had to help run a financial aid workshop. We all technically get off at 5pm, and then the workshop starts at 5:30pm. Right at 5pm, the director of financial aid who is my boss’s boss (basically she is a shark and I am goldfish at best), calls me into her office and asks if I can please stay and help her by doing a project for her boss. At this point I am doing a project for someone who could fire 85% of the people at the college if she wanted to, so that says how much everyone trusts me. I took the project and sat at my computer and as I was doing it, the two other people I was supposed to do the workshop with came up (this is not like 5:05pm) and asked me to hang arrows around the college directing students to where the financial aid workshop was. Not even looking away from my computer screen or stopping typing the numbers I was entering, I said “no”. Truthfully, I was so focused on the project that I didn’t even actually hear who asked me to hang the signs. They asked why and still not stopping what I was doing, I told them I was doing a project for M.M. who is the person I mentioned earlier who could fire 85% of the college. They said they didn’t care and left me arrows and tape. Here is where the issue really started.

I am very detail oriented and that includes preparation for these financial aid events. I knew I would not be at the workshop before it started to hang these signs so I was frustrated they couldn’t take the signs and spend five minutes hanging them up themselves. Since I have started working in financial aid, we have always hung the financial aid workshop flyer above the arrows so student knew what they were for a where to go. Neither C.P. nor M.L. left me those flyers. Another issue I was running into is that those two are full time, specialists. They are essentially the bass who eats the goldfish. C.P. has been a specialist for at least 10 years now and is also worlds biggest bitch. I like to think of myself as a somewhat nice person, but its true and everyone in the office knows it, some are just able to ignore it more than others. She also bashes me to everyone in the department. M.L. however has been a student worker for three years and just turned full time about a month ago. They want to wait to train her until the new aid year (Which just started today), so she has basically been a glorified student worker who is making $27/hour while I make $8.25/hour doing the exact same thing. Technically specialists can tell student workers to do their stuff, however I have said no to Marissa twice. Once because I felt it was a conflict of interest calling a student regarding their FAFSA when I would later be interviewing them for a job in the department. The second time was this situation, saying to to hanging arrows.

Once I finished the project for M.M., which was about a half hour after the financial aid workshop had started, I went to the workshop but did not hang up the arrows. I was frustrated that they didn’t leave me the financial aid workshop flyers and there was no point in hanging up arrows if nobody knew what they were for. When I got to the room I sat the arrows on the table and C.P. and M.L. were talking and neither of them even acknowledged that I was there. I just sat there quietly for about 15 minutes before a family came in and before they were even completely in the door, M.L. looked at me and with a attitude told me to go help them. I was beyond annoyed at this point but I stayed quiet and wasn’t rude. As I went to help the family, C.P. told me to move and started helping them herself when all I was doing was getting them logged in like they needed to be. I moved and went down and tried talking to M.L. who would say like one word to me and then ignore me, but was acting like best friends with C.P. I was actually getting upset about it. At about 6:30, C.P. told me that they didn’t need me and to just go home and I said okay simply because I was so frustrated I wanted to be away from them both. I wasn’t even completely out of the room before I started calling my mom because I was so  aggravated and just needed to vent.

I got home and was about to shower and my phone vibrates with the pattern which means it was a text. I look and it was M.L. sending a paragraph about how I was being disrespectful when I said no to hanging the signs and then actually didn’t hang them. She then brought up the fact that she is now a specialist so I need to be respecting her like one. AAANNNDDD she mentioned the fact that I wouldn’t call a student for her but if anyone else asked me to I would have said yes according to her. She said that this is her job and since she respects me, she respects I respect her. I was offended on so many levels while reading that text that I literally turned off the water in the shower so that I could take 15 minutes to respond before actually showering. I said that I didn’t hang the signs up because they didn’t leave the flyers and it would be pointless hanging plain arrows and that I would have hung them if the flyers were left behind. I also mentioned that I was doing a project for M.M. and knew I would be late and the signs should have been hung up before the workshop started, not halfway through. I told her that the reason I didn’t call the student was because the student was a applicant for the student worker position and I didn’t feel comfortable talking to the student about the FAFSA when it had something to do with her job application, when M.L. is the one who is supposed to handle that. I said I would have said the same thing to any of the other specialists, not just her. I took my shower and looked at my phone after and M.L. had responded saying I was being defensive for no reason. She said that just because she didn’t leave the flyers doesn’t mean I couldn’t have just wrote “FAFSA WORKSHOP” on them and made it would. She said the project for M.M. and being late was irrelevant to what she was saying. She continued to say that she asked me to call the student to let them know to complete the other FAFSA application and just because it involved the student aid position that it didn’t take away form the fact that it was a simple call and that she felt disrespected. I admit that at this point I was beyond frustrated and just straight up pissed off. I explained that I brought up the project for M.M. because normally the signs are always set up before the workshop starts so that the students know where to go and if I was going with them early to set up I would have hung them. I told her that I understand that she feels disrespected, but that I also do. I brought up the fact that I do not enjoy working with C.P. when she treats me as if I am worthless. I said I was looking forward to the workshop because two other employees I get along good with were supposed to be there before my boss decided he only wanted us three. I said I wanted to stay til the end and help but with M.L. and C.P. talking like best friends and ignoring me every single second that I felt worthless and invisible. I said I respect those who respect me. Since M.L. always complains about feeling like a glorified student worker, I said that just like she doesn’t like that feeling, that I don’t like being treated like gum under someone’s shoes simply because of my job title. The last message she sent, and that I didn’t respond to said that while I have the right to my opinion, it has nothing to do with this. She said there needs to be a boundary when it comes to work environment and that its a fact that I am a student worker and she is a specialist. That it is a fact that she is allowed to delegate her work to me if she wants to. She said that the past is irrelevant and were talking about right now (even though she is bringing up past events like the phone call….just saying….). She said all she asked from me was to understand that she was disrespected and to respect that and that I disregarded that and brought up C.P.

Now, the reason I brought up C.P. was because she was the reason I felt disrespected and it shouldn’t have mattered at that time that I have a different job title and that I am disrespected everyday because I am so young and they say that straight up. I understand how M.L. feels and she has the right to feel that way, but just because she got a new job title and more pay while doing the same job as me, doesn’t give her the right to treat me like I am nothing like C.P. does. I am still so beyond frustrated that I don’t even want to have to read the messages again.

On a different note, I am three (kinda four since its 2am) days without self harm. I want to yell as loud as I can and then curl up in a ball and cry. I think that is accurate description of how I feel right now craving self harm and trying to be completely safe. While I am determined to stay safe, I also know that it is going to be very difficult, but I am going to try my absolute best. I guess I just really want to be proud of myself again.

I am trying to focus on homework to distract me from what I happening with my dad. I am starting to truly realize that my dad is going to end up passing away sooner rather than later. I have had a hard time accepting this and I have spent a ridiculous amount of time hiding from this, and it is definitely difficult trying to truly come to terms with what is going to happen. One Step at a time though, right?

The truth 1/16/18

The past couple months I have been getting pretty aggravated with my dad. Although   I never really liked my mom more than my dad, the more my father treats my mom like she’s a failure, the more I wish I could tell him how I actually feel. I will never be able to do that though, which kinda sucks. Everyday I notice my dad acting like my grandma even more, which just makes me wish I could yell at him more. Part of me wants to just be kind to my dad and pretend that everything is fine, but the other part of me can’t get over the fact that I wish I could tell him everything he has done to frustrate me my entire life.

“Dear Dad,

I wish I could simply say “I love you” and pretend that nothing ever happened between us. I wish I could look at you and see a wonderful, loving father figure that has never done anything to make me cry myself to sleep. I wish I could say that you mean more than the world to me. I wish I could say everything I just listed was true, but that would be a completely lie. The truth is, you made me feel like I was a worthless child that meant absolutely nothing in this big world. You made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live because I couldn’t make grandma happy. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did to me growing up but if I do, that does not mean that what you did was okay. I don’t forgive you for the first time I tried to really tell you what grandma did to me, and you just yelling at me that I was lying. I don’t forgive you for every single time you told me I needed to “be better” because the rest of the family were screw ups. I don’t forgive you for leaving me with grandma when you knew that she was screaming at me, swearing at me, and hitting me. I don’t forgive you for never helping me, for not seeing everything that led to me attempting suicide as a fifth grader. I hate remembering all the times when you were a good dad because it reminds me what you have turned into. You used to take me to all the swap meets with you and would buy me a sign from each one to hang on my wall. I loved doing that with you all summer, it was something I always looked forward to. I loved doing the paper route every Sunday with you and grandma, even though I usually fell asleep 30 minutes into the actual route. I loved spending quality time with you, the times when you didn’t yell at me, didn’t make me feel worthless. I miss that you. I want that dad back, I want the loving father that is deep inside you back. Why did you turn into someone who makes me feel like a disappointment. I don’t want to lose you and have the last months with you consist of you making me feel like a disappointment, you treating mom like a failure, and us feeling like we have already lost you in a way. I love you even when I hate you.”

I’ll be honest that there are a lot of things that I want to scream at my dad, but that’s something I will never do….again. I did it a lot when I was younger, to both my dad and my grandma. Well, and to my mom too. I was being raised by wolves and I started to be one myself. It wasn’t til my freshman year of high school that I started to understand that things were wrong, but not until my sophomore year that I fought for myself. I never thought I would end up here. Is it wrong for me to be mad at my dad for acting like a jerk (totally not the word I wanted to use)? Where is the line between getting mad at him for being jerk, and having to let it go because he has cancer? Am I being a bad person for being so mad at my dad and the world?