6/15/18

I have so many words yet I know how to express so few. Today started so good with this being my last day of program. I was genuinely happy about this even though I was a little scared about making the change to normal life again. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s after and was in such a good mood, feeling free from everything for a little while. I got there and just chilled out and pet the dog for a while and then brushed her since she sheds so much. What made my day really rough was what happened later on. Hanna had to go to a friends house in the same area as Jack was going yet he refused to drive her so Kristy had us hide his keys in my back pack so there was no way he would find them. Once Kristy got back and was ready to then take Hanna, Jack freaked out and stood in the car door so Hanna couldn’t close it. Then after a while since he wouldn’t move and all he was doing was screaming at them, Kristy backed up just a little and Jack put all his weight on the car door, breaking it. Then he started screaming at Kristy saying things like she is a dumb c**t  and b***h and he just kept screaming at her. Once he started getting violent, Kiley started fighting and thats when Kristy got out of the car and started fighting him too. Eventually Kiley got away from Jack and came up to the front porch and grabbed the baseball bat. Jack and Kiley were then fighting each other so Hanna and Kristy left thinking the situation would then calm down. I had grabbed Connor and sent him upstairs to Kelli Ann’s room. Kiley came up to the front porch and Jack grabbed her and threw her onto the sidewalk. He then shoved me out of the door against the wall and came into the house. I was scared he was going to go upstairs where the kids were so I pushed him toward the basement and he got in my face and went to hit me and stopped and stormed downstairs screaming  that I am a c**t, b***h, can kill myself, and can go f**k myself. I heard him punch the wall twice and Kiley then came inside and was washing blood off her ankle. Brandon was at the table but went down stairs after a few minutes. Jack came back upstairs and went outside and started to walk away so I quickly shut the door and locked it as well as all the other doors. Kiley went upstairs to check on the kids and Jack came back and grabbed the bat, and started to hit the front windows screaming my name but he couldn’t break them because of the screens. He then went to the back yard and I was the only one on that floor besides Kaden. I saw Jack out the back window and I ran and covered Kaden so he wouldn’t get hit by glass. Jack hit the back window with the bat and shattered it everywhere and then started throwing glass at me. I stood up closer to the window trying to get him to go away or chill out but he didn’t. He then went back up front and started fighting with Kristy who had just came back and them came to the back yard again and started hitting the window again. Hanna and Kristy were both inside at this point and the doors were locked again. I went and stood in front of Kaden again to make sure he was safe. Kristy was by the window yelling back at Jack who was screaming at her and finally he left and went up front and started walking down the road while two undercover cops were watching. Hanna had call the police after Kristy said to. A couple seconds later a cop arrested Jack and more cops showed up. Kristy went up to the cop and started to tell her what happened and Jeff called me so I went out there and told them I saw everything that happened. Hanna and Kiley then came outside too talking to the cop. She asked us to go inside with her and write written statements of everything that happened. While we were doing that Jeff showed up from work and wanted to know everything that happened.  He was talking to the cop as I finished my statement. They explained he was being taken to Wauconda jail for the night and would be in front of a judge in 48 hours max. Once the cops started to leave we started to check out the damage and clean up. I was in shock and couldn’t even move. I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. I came out and Jeff’s dad, Scott, was there looking at everything. He kind of had a attitude but helped up take the broken window out so we could take it to get fixed. Everyone then went outside while I stayed inside making sure the kids stayed upstairs. Amy, Jeff’s ex-wife came and started screaming that its insane that Jeff brought me, a 20 year old woman to his house and let me sleep in their house, and that I cut and would do it in front of the kids (I would never, just sayin). Kristy looked inside to see if I was listening and I was but could only hear bits and pieces.  I didn’t know the full story until later. Amy was acting all nice to me and I didn’t know what she had said so I was nice too. Evidently Scott had some words to say about me as well. During all of this my parents wanted me to go to dinner and I said no because I was there and I couldn’t tell them what was actually going on so I kept telling them I just wasn’t hungry. They were frustrated I wouldn’t go and me and my mom were sending long texts to each other basically fighting about how I’m a bad daughter. What made this bad, it was fathers day.

6/14/18

Last night I had a lot on my mind even though I didn’t write much. I was really struggling last night and I admit I was kind of worried. Talking to Jeff helped but, it didn’t at the same time. He tried, that I admit. Our life situations have been very different and sometimes it makes it hard to relate. He doesn’t really understand my point of view when I get upset about situations with my family. To me its a lot more that just going back and forth between my two families.

(My stomach hurts so bad right now and I honestly kind of feel like i’m going to be sick or faint. Im so dizzy and I went to the bathroom hoping that would help but, it almost made me more sick.

Im also gonna talk to Abbey soon and i’m really anxious about it. Like I know I need to but, I’m just worried about such a big change especially when I don’t feel well. I don’t know if its really gonna be this hard or if I’m overthinking it. I know majority of the time I overthink but, with this I’m not sure. I am worried about not having enough structure and falling back.

Wow. I really don’t feel good right now. Probably because I haven’t ate anything in almost 24 hours now. Im pushing my body over and over but eventually I know my body is going to break. Especially now when I really don’t feel good because I keep pushing myself physically and emotionally repeatedly. I’m scared about breaking.

Tomorrow is my last day!)

I feel so exhausted yet I don’t stop or slow down. Im doing this with everything in my life. I always think I can do some amazing thing when in reality i’m only human.

6/13/18

I have finally found the point where I have fucked up too much. I missed program this morning and later in the day I got a call from my case manager who, to the lease, wasn’t real happy with me. She basically said that I need to discharge from the program on Friday and that way if I need to come back in the future, I can. I understand her point of view on it, I guess I am just frustrated with myself. I wish I would have just kept going to program but, because I didn’t, I am now done. I am kind of scared about not having much, if any, structure on a daily basis. I know when I don’t have much striation I tend to go back into my negative state of mind which, well, we know how that goes. Im worried that when when I stop program, I will go downhill and sendup doing the same thing that resulted in me having to go there in the first place. Honestly, I wish I could attempt suicide and just end it but, the issue is that I want to not be alive, without dying. I guess it comes down to the fact I don’t want to hurt others but, I also don’t want to keep suffering myself. I just want everything to… stop. Why do I so badly want this all to end, why can’t I just want to live? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I get that maybe I haven’t done anything specific to deserve this but, either way, why is this happening. I have done everything I can for things to get better yet, they haven’t honestly. I’m only being taught how to deal with this pain but, not actually how to stop it. If this is how it will always be, then I don’t want to sign up for a long term subscription. If life sucks then its not a life I want to live. I feel like no matter what I do things will never get better. I don’t even know what I specifically want to change. I just want to not feel like this. I always say I want to find the real me, but what if this is the real me. What if this is just what i’m like and things wont ever change. I think that might actually be my biggest fear right now. If this is how my life will always be then I would rather know now so I can just end it now instead of continuing to suffer. I so badly just want things to be different yet they never actually change. I am the only one that can make the change so I guess its my own fault that im like this. Maybe Im just not trying hard enough but, if I’m not trying my best now, Probably never will. I don even know why I keep thinking this through. That won’t make this any better and I know I should just stop and end it now but I’m a fucking idiot and just keep doing it. Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exception a different reaction. I think thats what I’m doing now. This is my own fault, I deserve this. I seriously fucking deserve this.

6/11/18

Pretty much no matter what I do, I always disappoint myself. I can’t say I haven’t been semi-disappointed in myself with coming to the decision to move out. I love my parents but, I need a different kind of support right now that I need from my second family. For me, this is what putting myself first looks like, even though it might be hard for others. I shouldn’t feel like I’m in a daily battle against my family, I should feel like my family is supporting me in every way. I wish my family could/would understand why I am so hurt by them and why I don’t really want anything to do with them right now. Honestly, Its not eventually their fault, I’m just not ready to forgive them yet for everything in the past when they refuse to even talk about it or admit it happened. I feel like I’m fighting this battle all on my own and I shouldn’t feel like that. I always put my mom’s feelings before my own and while sometimes that might be the right thing to do, not all day everyday. I am my own person and I should be able to treat myself like one. I have set my decision in stone for this reason. If I don’t then I know my decision will change because of my mom’s feelings. I know she is really hurt by this and I don’t want to put her through this at all, but I need this for myself even if she doesn’t agree with it and it possibly hurting her. I main thing stopping me from already telling my mom is that Jack is still in his current room and hasn’t moved yet and we also don’t know what is currently going on with my dad. I know this is technically putting other’s feelings before my own but, if my dad is going to get really sick again or pass away, the I would rather stay at home and spend as much time with him as I can. I think right now that is one of the only reasons I might change my decision to move out. I am always just overthinking my decision to move out. Change is really hard for me and right now I am the one choosing to make the change. I guess the best I can do is plan for how I want to pack, how I want my room laid out. I love lookin gat Pinterest so it could be calming like writing.

No. I’m sorry…. Im not sorry

6/8/18

I keep trying to grow as a person as I get older and every day it gets a little harder. I want to do the right thing for not only myself but others too. I know I can’t please everyone but, right now i’m not pleasing anyone. I feel like I am completely alone while being surrounded by everyone. I want there to be a. exact answer to all of this and I don’t think there ever will be. I just want to be happy and I keep trying my best to be, and no matter how hard I try, its never good enough. Im never good enough. I don’t really know if I will ever be good enough or happy enough for myself.

I got in a fight with my mom two days ago. It was really frustration to be honest, I love my mom and its really hard fighting with her like this. I was at home almost asleep on the couch when my parents both walked in which was a surprise since my mom was supposed to be at work. My dad sat in his chair in the living room and my mom walked in with mcdonalds. My dad said something about goin g to the hospital and not feeling well but, before I could ask any questions my mom asked if I wanted to sit in the kitchen with her and share a ice cream Sunday she go. I said sure so I went into the kitchen with a ll of my colored pencils so I could color code them. After sitting there for a couple minutes, she said that dad was in a lot of pain and was really worried that he was in so much pain again so quickly. Evidently after calling the doctor they were worried it could have been related to his heart issues (he had a heart attack and almost died my freshman year of high school). They went to see one of his hear doctors about his cancer in Woodstock hospital. He said it wasn’t most likely related to a major issue so he raised my dads pain meds by double and sent him home. Thats why my mom had came home from work. A few minutes after we stopped talking about my dad, I asked if she would rather meet Jeff and Kristy at their house or at restaurant. The tone of her voice changed completely and she said she hadn’t;t really thought about seeing them even though I had brought it up many times. I just said it was okay and she could tell me when she was ready. She quickly got defensive and said she was still mad at them for me staying at their house the night before. I corrected her and told her it was my decision to stay there and no one else’s. After that we got into what I would say was a one sided argument. At some point I brought up (jokingly) about moving out and she got really mad and lashed out at me. I guess thats the difference between me and my mom, she is very emotional when it comes to fights, whereas I am more political. Its hard to be so different than my mom. We constantly fight over everything. After I brought up moving out, our argument just kept getting worse. She kept trying to blame and bash them and was clearly getting frustrated that I kept sticking up for them and taking all of the blame myself. The thing is, they haven’t done anything wrong so its not like I am taking anyone else blame.My mom just really struggles to see it that way. She said a lot of hurtful things and the majority of these things im choosing not to write down because of how upsetting they were but, by the end of the conversation I got up, grabbed pumpkin (my doggo), and left. My mom called me later and asked where I was. I said I was at the forest preserve but, considering I didn’t come home until midnight, she know thats not really where I was. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s and was beyond frustrated.

That was two days ago. That night I went home and went to my room then, woke up the next day and went back to Jeff and Kristy’s and spent the night. I woke up this morning to a. text from my mom that said, “Do you want to meet me for lunch? I’m at north. We can go to Olive Garden. Dad and I just want you to be happy. If you want 2am every night thats fine. Don’t want fight anymore.” I called her and said I would after I went home to change. I met my mom at the bank then went to Olive Garden together. Ill be honest, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Looking at it now, I was really hoping it would have went better than it did. It could have been worse but, I just thought Mayne things could chill out for once. My entire life has been never-ending chaos. I just want Calm and to feel like I have a safe place to can call home, and every time I think I might have that it gets taken away. I just want a safe place to land. Basically, going back to what happened with my mom, we got to the restaurant and you could feel the tension. We talked about curfew again for a couple of minutes and that almost set the conversation up for failure. We both settled on 2am as the time to be home and to tell them if I would be home or not. My mom apologized for making me feel like she is constantly giving me a guilt trip. I was glad she apologized but, I knew part of her wasn’t really sorry. She kept trying to make it seem like I have no control because Jeff and Kristy are taking advantage of me because I am 20 and vulnerable. I kept trying to stick up for myself against my mom and I don’t think she actually understood me. She always makes me feeling like I have no real say in what is going on. She says she understands my point of view too but, it feels like it almost does her way or the highway. She wouldn’t listen to a word I said anytime we talking about me moving. I held my own the entire time though, which I had a hard time doing. She was so closed minded and I tried so hard to get in her head enough for her to see past me just being her daughter but, I don’t think I ever really got through to her. She is really concerned about me going back and doing well in school without any responsibilities. She says she knows I am a 20 year old in college and responsible, but she doesn’t act like she understands it. She can only see me as her little girl, not a person who deserves to make her own decisions and choose her freedom. I feel like I am small and invisible yet under a magnified glass all the time. She brought up dad again and said she is really worried and I should be spending time with him while I still can. I got really upset at this part because this was when my mom started tearing up.  I don’t want to lose my dad and I know my mom and I will both be so hurt when/if something happens. Although this isn’t the part that made me upset the most, When we left and were back to my car I got out and my mom started really crying and begged me not to move out over and over and reminded me how much she really needs me right now, at least just living at home. I so badly don’t want to hurt my mom and I love her so much, but I feel like im trapped living at home with my parents. My mom just kept crying and hugged me and I felt /feel so bad for putting her through this. I know not all of it is my fault but, I still blame myself some. I know I can see this as just another way she is taking advantage of/guilting but, but it isn’t like that this time.  I think my mom is really hurt my everything we have been fighting over and what I have put her through. I can’t do this to her, I can’t do this at all. I seriously just want this and everything to just stop. Please make it stop. My mom said so many hurtful things at lunch and then for her to cry just put me through so many emotions. Im just really, really hurt and want to feel like I belong somewhere and am really loved and cared for. I want/wish I could just have a mom that understands me and sees me as I am, not the person I am supposed to be. I want a mom who would have hugged me as I cried, and would just give me physical affection the way a daughter deserved. I am really hurt after what happened today. Part of me thinks I could burst into pears, part of me wants to self harm, and part of me wants to go completely silent. I wish I could do all of these things right now. I just wish I could change everything and start a new life because I am so alone in this world and I wish I could be saved but, I can’t be. Who am I? Where am I? Im so very sorry. I just really wish everything would stop for a while. I wish I could be truly open. I want to feel safe.

6/7/18

My body image isn’t something I talk about often, mainly because of the reaction I receive. Everyone views body image as something on the outside but, what if body image is really on the outside? Then what? Does that mean we can no longer give each other compliments to help boost someones self esteem and confidence? I personally don’t think that’s really what it means. I think there is more to body image than just out physical appearance. Just because we may benefit or physically be healthy, doesn’t mean we can’t have a bad body image. Our body image is our view of ourselves, whether it is realistic or not.

Starting yesterday, I am cross tracking with the eating disorder program (ED). I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I figured it would just be set up kind of like lecture however, I was very wrong. The first portion we did was Q+A which gave us all the time to ask a question for the dietician there. This I found really helpful and informative. I think this was a great ‘first impression’ to part of the program. I thought this was going to be the full two hours. Instead at 10:45 we had to ‘snack’ which was really scary to do and pushed me way outside my comfort zone. We have to eat something, can’t look at the nutritional facts, and can’t skip. We have certain options of what we can eat and we have to participate whether we like it or not. Looking at it now, its probably a good thing we are required to eat because otherwise, majority of us wouldn’t. This is still scary for me since this was my first time and I had no option as to whether or not to eat. The last portion of ED was skills group for body image. This is by far what bothered me most about the entire thing. I was so scared of judgement that I barely learned the program. Judgement is one thing that is really difficult to me yet many parents don’t understand why I can’t just completely start eating and be normal. I didn’t chose this so don’t treat me like I did. I got bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life by both people at school and at home. I still think about it to see if you are all even good for me in the slightest. Majority of me thinks that if the negative people in your life are family, you don’t have any other option that to suck it up and deal with them. The other side of me believes I should immediately leave if being around these people are negative, even if they are family. They have the choice not to be negative yet, they are still being negative, its all  a decision and you have to do whats best for you. Going back to the eating topic, the body image portion of ED was so difficult because it not only had me writing what my negative thoughts were but, also written the reason behind them.

Sooo… my favorite pen ran out of ink….its a very sad day. Also, I think (maybe) I am getting my appetite back, and now that I have gone so ling without it, I don’t want it back. I have lost 23 pounds now and I am slowly getting happy with what I look like. I know its not healthy how I lost the weight but, my body is adjusting and I don’t want to stop. Its not like I have a full blown eating disorder, others I would commit fully to change. I don’t see that much wrong with only eating one mean a day. I eat mean and other food categories to get the vitamins I need. I know I should be eating more, I guess its just hard when I don’t think I have a issue. I don’t want to admit I am semi using this as self harm because then it almost feels like I haven’t actually been clean from self harm, I have just switched ways. I want to be healthy, I do, I just don’t want to disappoint myself even more than I already do. I wish I could just be normal, be like the pretty girls who eat like everything and gain no weight, or even a girl who never eats and loses weight. I just want to be good enough for once instead of always feeling like I am a worthless failure. Will I ever be good enough for myself or others? Do I even matter anymore? If I can eat and hate every part of my body then I can easily not eat and act like everything is okay. My body can easily manage and function and understand what I see. I get one mean per day and now they want me to be at three means a day with two or three snacks. I haven’t been like that ever and now I have to go from zero to three means with snacks. How am I supposed to do this? How do I do this especially when I don’t even really know if I am really ready to fully recover. I don’t want to be self sabotaging even more than I probably already am, but I don’t know if full recovery is the point I am at right now. I feel like I should constantly say I am at zero days clean but, not everyone considers restricting at self harm. Its on a fine line. I wish I could see what others see, maybe then it would be easier going through program. Honestly, this program has pushed me to my limits and that will be really good in the end but right now it really sucks.

6/4/18

I sometimes question if I am overthinking or not thinking at all. Everything is always black and white in my eyes. No grey. Its hard to make a decision when I don’t know if I am overthinking or not thinking enough. I see motivation and laziness the same way, black and white. I get frustrated with myself as I try to see the difference between lack of motivation and laziness in myself. When I look at the two, I feel they are very different yet when I try to think of exact reasons, I can describe very few. The other issue I face is the huge difference in others versus myself.I always give others the benefit of the doubt but, I am my own worst critique.

I was asked to move into my “second family’s” home. This is something I think I have been overthinking yet, not thinking productively about. I seem to think about this over and over thus just causing myself unnecessary stress instead of slowing my thinking and trying to make sense of what I want to do. I also struggle to differentiate what I am doing for myself versus what I am doing for others, primarily my parents. When I think about moving in with my “second family”, my initial thought is that I want to. I won’t have to pay for food or gas, no rent or utility bills, and they will pay me to help around the house. Moving in would almost be like a job in the sense of money. If I think about it in a personal way, I see it as a way to gain confidence, fend for myself, ask for and receive support and keep myself safe. When I really think about it, there are many pro’s to moving in with them. When I think about the con’s however, I don’t know if these are my thoughts and feelings, or my parents. I wonder if moving in with them would be too big of a step and very overwhelming for me, or if these are my parents thoughts, (primarily my mom’s) running through my head. It makes me questions what are actually my thoughts and what are my parent’s views. I know my parents and I can have the same view on something but, with many things I have a gut feeling I don’t share these same views with them. I sometimes struggle with this same issue when it comes to money. I worry that moving out of my parents house would mean they will no longer support me financially and that I would not be able to support myself. I know that right now I am reliant on my parents to help support me but, I know I allow them to control me because of my money. My parents tend to hold money over me, causing my to start seeing their point of view and change my thoughts to match theirs. The thing is, I can’t blame any of this on my parents because I am old enough to go and get a job and help to support myself financially. I know there is nothing physically stopping my from trying to get a job to support myself yet I sit in my home actions as if I can’t get a job when I haven’t even really tried. This is where I get lost as to if this is lack of motivation stopping me from trying to get a job or simple laziness. I always end up thinking about suicide because I don’t want to face my own life or work but, I don’t know or understand my own reasoning behind it, whether it be lack of motivation or laziness. I know I feel this way partly due to depression which took a lot of my sense of pleasure and motivation away. I don’t know if I have too little motivation to continue living life or if I just don’t want to put in the effort it takes to live life even when it gets hard. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore as I make such a change and realization in my thoughts and actions. Going back to the possibility of moving in with my second family, I think there are some con’s to moving in and pro’s to staying in my own room at home. While many of the pro’s I am aware are my own thoughts, and the con’s are many of my families thoughts, I still sometimes start to overthink it. I am so scared of making this wrong decision that I then won’t make any decision at all. I get in the way of my own well-being and then get frustrated even though its my own fault. I am always looking for a escape instead of a way to deal with my own thoughts. I’m simply running away from what I have been through even though it will just follow my wherever I go. If I want them to go away forever then I need to face them and work through them which is easier said than done. I think I am just scared of remembering what happened and feeling like I am going through these events all over again. I always just want to pretend that my past didn’t happen, then I won’t be as broken as I am now. I think part of me sees all of this like “if it didn’t happen” ➡️”I won’t be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I don’t have any valid reason to be depressed or suicidal”➡️”I deserve this pain because it is my own fault”➡️”Beating myself up and punishing myself for these feelings is deserved”➡️”I’m worthless”. This is what everything comes down to, feeling completely worthless all day, everyday. I put myself through constant pain because I am used to being comfortable with the pain. Feeling like I have worth is new to me and something I am not used to so I have to learn how to feeling this way. Its scary. I just don’t know if I am ready for such a big change in my life but, I don’t know if I will ever actually be ready. Maybe Jeff is right, maybe I just need a push to get started and go from there, I see it as like a little jump start to a car except, its me. I want to push myself but, every time I try I feel like something is holding me back. I’m so good at seeing everything in black and white but, now my entire world is grey.

I guess a major fear of mine is facing my parents knowing moving here would mean I can never self harm again and I would never be able to kill myself. I would never do anything that would impact the kids in a negative way like that. I love this family and am so thankful for them. I don’t think I have ever been somewhat comfortable admitting I am suicidal or any type of danger to myself. I feel safe with hem, which is a feeling I love even though its kinda scary. I just want to feel safe. Will I ever feel truly safe with myself? Or will I always be relying on someone to save me in a way? I just want to feel safe and okay, even when I might now be. Maybe then I will stop having suicidal thoughts.

I have been thinking about this a lot but never actually started doing it. I want to write a suicide note to the world. Not individual people, and not doing it as a first step towards suicide, but just something to make me think about what I am truly feeling inside behind all of my emotions. The only reason I haven’t yet is because I am slightly scared I will talk myself into suicide. Especially since I have already been thinking about it even without having suicide notes for everyone. Here I go.

“Dear World,

We have had a complicated relationship from the start. From abuse, to bullying, to being consider a outsider in a way, you have always pushed my limits. I feel like we are at a constant war and I keep trying to push back but, I can’t. I am tied to the floor while you are completely free. I know the world isn’t fair but, sometimes I just wish the world would actually support me instead of always pushing me down. What did I do to you that you decided I deserve this life? Why do you always push me closer and closer to suicide? You have always had a plan for me, did you plan for me to commit suicide before I turn 21? Maybe the reason I so badly want to end my life is to say “fuck you” in a way, you can no longer hurt me. You are the reason I want to end my life, and you will be the reason I DO end my life. I will kill myself and its all because you never gave me a minute to breathe. You put me through abuse my entire life, let me be bullied everyday, you put me through decision someone my age should never have to make. I am been selfish by ending my life like this and I am okay with being selfish this time.”

I can’t even put into words how much I honestly wish I could write individual suicide notes. I am tired of living and going through this pain every single day when I did nothing to deserve this pain. Why can’t I just kill myself and end this hurt? Why do I not even have control over my own life? How is this fair? I guess the issue is that I can still end my life if I really wan’t to. I don’t plan to but realistically I have the option to. I know I shouldn’t be thankful I at least have the option to attempt if I really want to, but unfortunately, I am. I’m slightly scared to be honest. I want to live even thought so much of me wants to die.  I hate feeling like I am crying for help but, someone please save me. I am trying so hard to save myself and so many time I do but, right now I just don’t know if I can do this completely on my own. I don’t know if this is a fight I can fight all on my own. I hate feeling worthless and vulnerable because I am asking for help like this. I don’t want to feel even more weak. I’m scared and handling this is the worst feeling I ever have when it comes to this. Im not okay but, I’m okay. Take that message as you wish. Just know I am broken and fragile right now. Im sorry for putting this on you but, if you are reading this then you know I actually trust you to help me, and know when I need to stop being pushed and just be held in place.