5/15/18

I came out as bisexual in December of 2016. When I came out it was one of the most difficult things to process and accept, and I tried to deny it every chance I got. I have slowly come to terms with it and now I am proud of it because it is part of who I am. It is no different than being straight, its just who I love, it doesn’t make me any different than anyone else. Unfortunately, many people don’t share those same views and believe that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community should be deported or shamed. People can be beyond rude to anyone in our community and it is hurtful beyond belief. What is even more hurtful is when people use “Gay” as an insult, or as a joke. Saying “thats so gay” is somewhat offensive, saying “stop being so gay” is hurtful, saying “I have a gay friend so” or “I look so gay” is hurtful. Saying “Faggot” is the most offensive thing to me and I do not want anyone in my life who says that. Saying Gay isn’t a bad thing when you don’t mean it as an insult or joke or use it to shame us. There is no reason that the LGBTQ+ community should be targeted for being ourselves. If you use any LGBTQ+ term as an insult or joke, please stop. Please think before you speak because what you say can hurt.

Educate yourself.

1/11/2018

This has been a wild two weeks to say the least. It started with being suicidal, and as depressed as I used to be. Easy to say, its been a rough two weeks emotionally. On the plus side, as of 1/8, I have been two months without self harm. Everyday that goes past it gets a little bit harder to ignore the urge to self harm, and every meal I eat, just makes it worse. All I hear in my head is the voice that tells me I am fat, I am not enough, I am a failure, and I don’t deserve to live and/or be okay. Its hard to resist self harm when every little mistake you make, especially when it comes to food, makes the voice in your head tell you that you deserve to be punished. What can make is worse is not being able to tell anyone what you are feeling in the moment because you are too scared of what might happen if you do.

Truthfully, we never really know what is going to happen next. I know I never really gave a new update on my dad, but I was still trying to learn how to cope with it myself. His CT and PET scan showed that the tumor in his lung grew from 3.2 to 3.7. and he lost more weight, putting him at 158. The doctors expected this to possibly happen and have now decided to start a much more intense form of treatment starting 1/15. Nobody, including the doctors, are sure that my dad will be able to handle the new treatment, but all we can do is try.

All anyone can do in life is try their best and let fate decide what to do. I like to be in control of every single detail of everything, and in reality, I will never be able to control even a quarter of what I would like to. I definitely can’t control other peoples actions, and sometimes thats what I wish I could control most. I work with a guy named Hayden, the same guy who had made a post on my page a few months ago. Heres the thing about Hayden, he’s rich. Not that I have anything against people who are fortunate enough to have money, but I do have a problem when people get greedy with their money. The college reopened on January 2nd. That was the last day Hayden came to work. He works 15 hours a week, been gone for two weeks, and only worked five hours. I do not respect people who lie, and I never have. When people lie to me multiple times, then I do not want you in my life. Hayden lied to me about multiple things, and then decided to text me and call me a bitch, and text me “why is it such a big deal if i’m not there for a couple days? like honestly. you act like this job surrounds all of our lives i have a lot of things to worry about then a school job. my throat is in so much pain and it’s so obnoxious. i don’t want to go to work to deal with more drama bullshit and other shit just to be annoyed more. all i’m doing is taking a couple days off. i’m coming back tuesday and not taking as many  days off again so i don’t get why it’s so important if i’m there or not. you just need to stop being so rude and mind your business bc i’m tired of one getting bombed from you with your attitude when i’m not doing anything wrong to you and two you being so bothered that i’m missing a couple days of a little school job that all we do there is bitch work. i’m coming back tuesdayso please calm tf down.”. If I ignore everything that he has said to me and the way he has treated me, the reason I am so beyond frustrated with his is because he does not need this job. He takes this job for granted and stopped caring a long time ago. He is taking a position away from a student who can’t go to harper without a job on campus. He’s taking a job from a student that is in the same position that I was when I first came to Harper. I will teach you because you care, but once you stop caring, so will I.

On a completely different note, Rebecca was home for a couple weeks and I spent most of that time with her. She left this past Wednesday, but before she left I wanted to come out to her. So on Sunday night, me and Rebecca went to Dairy Queen. I know it would be completely empty, so that was the easiest place to tell her. We both got ice cream and then I told her. I was so glad I did, and she had absolutely no problem with it. She was glad I told her so we could talk about who we like together now haha. I told her mom that night too, who was also just as happy and accepting. What I wasn’t prepared for was Tuesday. My cousin Jamie was over, and it was nice to just be able to talk to her, considering she has know the longest. Me and Jamie were just talking in the living room, but what we didn’t know was the my mom was hiding behind the corner, listening to some of what we said. After Jamie left, my mom texted me and asked me to tell her what was going on. She wouldn’t drop the conversation, and finally I told her. She didn’t respond as well as Rebecca and her mom did, but at least she wasn’t mad at me. The next night, she told me “You know, if you somehow end up dating a guy, don’t think you are attached to a title, you can just say you are straight again.”. Her saying this made me upset to be honest. But what made me even more upset was that I told her I would tell dad this weekend, but instead she decided to tell him herself. The next morning when I found out, I was really mad at my mom, and she didn’t understand why that made me upset, until she got in the car on her way to work and it occurred to her. I feel bad that I got so upset at her, because she said she cried on her way to work because she felt bad. Those are the moments when I recognize that even though I hide my anger very well and try to always avoid feeling it, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I guess I can’t keep trying to hide everything, because no matter what it will show itself eventually, whether I like it or not.

 

11/27/17

It’s been a few weeks since I have really had the opportunity/energy to post anything, although I should have considering how well this helps. So my uncle got moved to a rehabilitation center much closer to home, but unfortunately he is still unable to move most of his left side. I guess i’m a pretty sucky niece considering I still haven’t gone to visit him. The worst part about it is that i’m not visiting him because of what happened with grandma. I honestly don’t think that I can walk into the center and not break down crying and I really don’t want to do that to myself. I know I need to just get over it and go see him but i’m just so scared. On top of that, my mom tends to not tell me anything that she knows is gonna make me upset, including medical issues with my dad. I don’t really question when there is talk about a doctors appointment since those are pretty frequent now, but this one just seemed a little bit different. Since me and my mom went to go get dinner without my dad, I asked about it and I was right, this isn’t just a normal doctors appointment. Evidently they are getting bone morrow and testing it for a bunch of things because his platelet count is consistently low. The thing is, they didn’t tell anyone what they are really looking for. Normally when they test bone morrow, its looking for Leukemia however we would have known already if that’s what was happening with my dad. I’m really scared that something major is going to be wrong, i’m really scared I am going to lose my dad before I even graduate college. I’m just really tired of medical issues, I just want it to all be over and have normal.

Besides all of the medical stuff, I also went to a seminar that definitely made me realize a lot and showed me where my breaking point is. I’m absolutely thankful for it (even though I cried on more than one occasion), because it finally made me realize that maybe i’m not as worthless as I think I am, maybe people actually care and i’m not just completely alone. While I still have suicidal thoughts, knowing i’m not completely worthless definitely helps me get through them. I guess that’s another thing I wish I just knew what was going to happen about, the suicidal thoughts. I can’t complain, they are a lot better than they were, and these I can actually manage without hurting myself, which I am very proud of. I guess I just wish I knew why when anything goes wrong, that’s the first thing to go to my mind. I know I can’t really control it other than correct myself when I think about it, but I just wish I knew why that’s the first thing that comes to my mind in the first place. Can I really just not own up to my own problems so much that I immediately think about suicide? I guess the same thing applies to the no eating thing, considering that’s another thing I usually think about right after any little thing happens. I know a fair amount of people that would be really frustrated with me if they knew how many meals I have skipped over the past couple weeks. One the plus side, I think for once I am actually letting myself have feelings instead of bottling them up considering how much I have cried in the past couple days. I guess that’s still better than just holding them inside. Maybe that’s the reason I have had so many people tell me that they see I have a lot of sadness inside, which I still don’t know how exactly they see that in me, although they’re not necessarily wrong.

I considered just having this post focused on one thing but that didn’t really happen, which is okay though. I have been fairly open about how I feel that everyone that cares about me leaves eventually, and on Thanksgiving someone reminded me of that. Someone I have been very close with, and someone I have been able to help support as much as she helps me. At some point she texted me saying happy Thanksgiving, and since I didn’t respond immediately, she got very upset and flipped out on me, and then blocked me. It definitely hurt when I realized she had blocked me on everything, all over a small argument we had a month ago. I texted her and asked why she did that and she basically said that if we can’t agree on everything then there is no point, and then saying that I was talking to a guy from our past and freaking out at me for that. If I actually did these things, I would be perfectly fine with her deciding she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. The thing is, I have not talked to that guy in months and don’t plan to talk to him ever again, and I wasn’t angry or upset about what happened, I just had too much going on to text every second. So that’s just another person that has entered my life just to leave all over again. Am I pushing people away? I just want things to be okay, and for some reason, that never happens. I guess considering everything that’s happened in my life, it’s not really surprising that I still think about suicide as much as I do…

*With all of this said: No, I am not going to do anything to harm myself. I’ve gotten through it my entire life, I can get through it now too.

11/14/17

Anger is something that I have always struggled with but not in the way you may think. Growing up I was surrounded by constant anger or rage, however I have a hard time seeing a difference. For me, anger is associated with abuse, considering anytime anyone was angry their emotions were taken out on me. I promised myself that someday if I ever have kids, they will never feel that same pain I did. They will never know what its like to be surrounded by people who were supposed to love, but hurt instead. I saw anger as something bad that would always result with pain, whether I was angry or it was someone else. For me, it didn’t feel like an emotion, it felt like a punishment. At some point I developed a fear of anger, a fear that has never gone away. The tone of your voice changing, the yell that makes your entire body tense, the “warning hit”. It used to only be anger from my family that scared me, but once I saw it in others, there wasn’t a way for me to see a difference. Someone I was dating in high school once punched straight through a wall when he found out someone had grabbed me without my permission. Truthfully, after that I never let my guard down near him, because I knew that if I was the cause of that anger, things would not turn out well for me. The same happened in college on multiple occasions when I saw my friends become furious and threaten someone or punch something so hard it broke. In my mind I felt like if I was the cause of that anger, it wouldn’t be a wall that was being hit, it would be me. It was easiest for me to shut out anger all together, never letting me feel it, only letting the emotion come out as upset, or a fake smile, something that I had perfected. I forgot how to feel anger, and truthfully I still don’t completely remember. I get frustrated sometimes, but never angry. Frustration to me is upset and in pain and not being able to make sense of why this is happening. The last time I was angry was my sophomore year of high school, the day that I got the courage to say no, to fight for myself and get away from the pain I felt everyday. There were a lot of words I wanted to say, but never did, and still haven’t. In the next paragraph, I am going to say everything I wanted to say on that day. Every word I wished to scream even knowing the consequence. The words of a sixteen year old who wanted to run and never be found. Whether there is anger felt through my words, that’s for you to decide.

“I hate you. Stop treating me like a worthless piece of dirt on the bottom of your shoe. Stop screaming at me for every mistake I make. Stop hurting me. I wish I was never brought here and I wish I never met you. I hate you with every ounce in my body. It wasn’t fair that you screamed at me and called me a “worthless fucking bitch” and told me if I don’t like it then I can go kill myself. Stop saying how much you hate my mom just because she is a better person than you ever will be. Stop making me feel like absolutely nothing. I love you and that’s why I hate you so much. The day you kept begging to die, I wish you did, because then I wouldn’t have to deal with this again. I wish you died that day, and I don’t care if I am around for when it actually happens. ”

From my perspective now, I wouldn’t say the majority of that. I wouldn’t put all of my pain into my words and not feel true meaning behind every word I yelled while crying hysterically. I wish she knew what I wanted to say, with the emotion removed. The words I meant from my heart, not from a moment full of emotion. I wish I said:

“I hate you for what you did. I hate you for every slap, spank, punch, choke, and grab. I will never forgive you for all of the times you grabbed me by my wrist just so you could pull me within hitting distance. I will never forget you for every time I tried so hard to make you happy and all you did was scream at me. I hate you for the time I didn’t realize our puppy peed in the house and you grabbed me by my hair and rubbed my face in it and then kept slapping me until I wouldn’t even fight back anymore. I hate you for when I got home, missed a small spot when vacuuming,  and you grabbing me and spanked me so hard that later on I couldn’t even sit it hurt so bad, and making me count how many times you did it. I hate you for what you did after that. For grabbing me by my hair so tight I could feel it pulling, and then pulling down my pants just far enough for you to use me. I hate you for doing it in the first place, and not stopping when I was laying there crying because it hurt so bad. I hate you for finding a way that my body liked it just so you could say I enjoyed it. I hate you for using that the next time I said no. I hate you for when you knew there was a guy at school who was bullying me and lived only two streets over, and making me walk to the store past his house, when you knew he would see me and make fun of me at school every single day until everyone was telling me to just kill myself. I hate you for saying I was too skinny and to eat a small slice of cake and then calling me fat and making me run. I hate you for a lot of things and trust me there are much more I could list if you would like. But here’s the thing, I still love you for taking care of me and being the main figure in my life, but I don’t feel bad for feeling relieved when you passed away. I will always hate you for this, but I will always love you for at least being there. ”

I cried while typing the first part, and it wasn’t because I was sad. I cried because I can’t feel anger so it comes out as just me being upset. I hate that I can’t feel angry, and all I feel is pain and sadness. Typing that second paragraph, I don’t know if you read that as me being truly angry or not, but I can tell you I absolutely cried because I meant those words at the time and I know that no matter how angry I was at the time, I could never have screamed those words at her because I would fall to the floor crying because even then I was scared of anger. The memories I have hurt so bad I can’t even put into words and I keep remembering more of them. With every memory I hate her even more, and I guess my body remembers more and more because I feel the physical pain from that moment more and more, and flinch more and more. It all hurts and I have so many conflicting feeling that I don’t even completely know what I feel anymore, other than sadness that things weren’t different, that I didn’t feel loved and cared for, and I will never know what that feels like. You knew you could break me and you did, that is unforgivable.

11/8/17 Part 2

I realized I never really gave an update on whats happening with my Uncle John. As of yesterday night he was still stable and they transferred him to the first floor of the hospital until the rehabilitation center is ready for him. He still has no movement in the majority of his left side, but there is still a chance he will get all or the majority of that back. He has a hard time talking and it takes him a rather long time to think of the words he wants to use, even if it is a simple “Hi”. As much as I am very glad he is being transferred to a rehabilitation center that’s somewhat close, I am also very scared and worried. After his last stroke they transferred him to this same center and they ended up kicking him out after only one week, due to not being able to pay. I am honestly very worried that the same thing is going to happen again, and I don’t think he is going to get any better unless he is in a rehab center. What also scares me, and this I admit is somewhat selfish of me, but I know he is going to want me to visit him often since I drive past that rehab center on my way to the college, and my family is going to want me to do the same, and I don’t know if I can. When my grandma had got out of the hospital, she had to go to a rehab center (a different one than the one my Uncle John is going to). I came and saw her often and she hated it so much there, because she couldn’t see me every day and she was scared she would never be able to leave and she was so scared I would stop loving her. That was the first time I ever saw that woman cry. I was laying on the bed with her, my head on her shoulder and her head leaning against mine, and she broke down crying. She had said a lot to me while she was there, a lot that I haven’t been able to handle the best. The time that she was in that center affected me a lot. What I am scared of with my Uncle John being in a rehab center is that I will not be able to go there without going straight back into the mind set I was in when I was with my grandma. I’m not sure I can emotionally handle going there, I am not sure I can see my uncle without breaking down. I don’t know if that is selfish or not, but truthfully I am so scared that I am going to walk in there and lose myself back into the same place I was emotionally when I was with grandma. Honestly I don’t think I have ever been so scared of going somewhere in my life, and that makes this even worse.

This past week I also considered something I didn’t really think I would again. I thought about suicide and self harm. Two different days, but it worried me a lot slipping back into that mind set again. It’s still so much better than it was, and I am grateful for that, but these two moments scared me. The thought of self harm was caused mainly because i’m worried that I won’t do well enough in Sociology, or will disappoint my boss, who I look up to even more than my parents. But I also know that this reason wasn’t the only thing pushing me towards this feeling. I would be lying if I said that what I remembered most recently wasn’t also bothering me. Truthfully I think this is bothering me more than the physical abuse did. As far as considering suicide, I know one of the things that was bothering me the most during this moment was the fact that I had did something wrong, and the first thing that came into my head was that I am worthless and deserve punishment. I know that’s not me thinking, that’s just exactly what my grandma would say. Still, this is what I thought and I strongly considered it. I kept thinking how weak I was that I even considered it as much as I did. How weak I am that I have so much hatred towards my grandma and parents that I actually cry because I still feel so much love for them. I thought I would be better off dead than to stay here and keep trying to fight my own damn mind.

Through all of this I still have a small amount of pride, as I have managed to push myself a little bit and do something I didn’t think I would do for a long time, go sit some where that I didn’t feel 100% safe, sit some where there were people other than the ones I am comfortable with. This might seem really small and dumb but honestly, I am actually really proud of myself that I did this, since this is something I know I am really scared to do normally. I am proud of myself for once. While this might not be something I am very proud of, this is something that brought me a sense of happiness and kind of a sense of freedom, I finally really feel like I have a voice. I am always so terrified of being judged and this past week I had a meeting with my academic adviser and I was truly terrified, even though she is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I got in there and she knew I was really anxious and she immediately sat next to me and said something that calmed me more than I could even put into words, she said “I can tell you are really scared, and I know it might help for you to know that while I work with a lot of athletes, I also work with a lot of student with severe anxiety, students with PTSD, and students that have everything going against them. You seem like you are one of those students, and I will support you even when nobody else does.” and later on as we were picking out the rest of my classes she said “I know online classes are going to be a lot easier for you, and I know it will make you feel a lot better knowing exact details.”. She picked exactly which teacher I should take that would work the best with me and gave me exact details on absolutely everything I needed to know. While this was going on though, she made me feel like I have a voice. Something that I am terrified to use, and sometimes forget I even have. Its honestly an amazing feeling, feeling like I have a voice, and even though I am scared to say a lot out loud, I can write or type all of my feelings down and it feels like I finally have something worth. I have a voice.

I admit this post is kind of all over the place but I am just so filled with fear and frustration, while still being filled with pride and happiness (which is rare). I don’t even really know what I feel because my mind is just kind of everywhere. I just know that I have hope that things will keep getting better. If I actually feel like I have a voice somewhere, then I can have hope for just about anything.

9/28/17

The last post. That post is actually the reasoning behind this post. I have been open about coming to terms with being bisexual and finding out my sexual orientation after my family telling me bisexuality is wrong my entire life. What I haven’t been as open about is my struggle in whether or not I am gay. I have actually barely talked about this, but I feel I should. I have known for a long time that I was attracted to women, and men. However, now that I am getting older, I feel more and more that I lean towards gay rather than bisexual. The person who posted the last post titled “Untitled”, decided yesterday that me and another coworker would make a cute couple. The guy is very sweet however, I am not attracted to him in anyway more than friends.

This, this is the reason I am choosing to stay single instead of get into a relationship. I know how hard it is to be told someone doesn’t like me, especially when I don’t particularly like myself either. I can not handle being shot down and hurt repeatedly, so now dating is my way to protect myself.Thinking about dating was the cause of this post, am I bisexual or gay? Who am I attracted to? Who am I not attracted to? Who am I?? I never thought I would end up in this position, a position where I do not even understand who I am attracted to.

I want to kiss a girl.

I want to cuddle with a girl.

I want to love a girl.