5/16/18

I did something today and truthfully I am actually a little scared to type it out on here. We all make mistakes but it can be hard when the mistake is something you want. There are a lot of words to express how I feel yet I find myself speechless right now because I know what I have done. Today I did something that I never thought I would do, something I never thought would even be a thought in my mind. How do I pick myself back up from here? How do I fix this mistake when everyday the suspense of the mistake grows? I admit that I self harm, and it is not something I am ashamed of. Its frustrating and hard to explain and talk about sometimes, yes, but I am not ashamed of it. What I have done today, I am ashamed of and I deserve to be. I messed up and now I am stuck having to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Today I was 18 days with no self harm.

Today I disappointed myself in ways I can’t even explain. Today I self harmed however, that’s not what I am upset about. I am upset because I self harmed at someone else’s house, I let others down instead of just myself. I thought about making a different choice but in the end I made the decision not to stay safe. How do I come back from something like this? I really messed up. Damn.

5/15/18 (from April 9th)

I feel like I’m in a building after a tornado, and people searched the area for survivors, but missed me. Me. Alone. Trapped until sheets of concrete and broken glass. I’m hurt, broken, scared, and lost… so, so lost. This is what I feel like in this world, but instead of helping the person who is hurt, broken, and scared, they simply say “Stay strong”. I’m 20 years old and have been staying strong my entire life. If I had physical wounds nobody would think twice about helping me but with this they just say strong over and over as if that helps me in the slightest. Sometimes they don’t even say anything at all. If it’s isn’t physically seen then guess it doesn’t matter. Maybe I don’t matter then? I have worked to make something of myself and then I still get stuck in the ruble from a tornado that went through but nobody cares because the don’t see my physically injured. So many people don’t believe in mental illness and when you struggling and nobody close to you believes, suddenly that are trapped in the ruble with no escape other than yourself. It’s hard to save yourself when you know you are completely alone and feel like you can breathe. What then? You know you don’t have any other option to fight because otherwise you will die down there, because of all the ruble stacked on top of you.

5/15/18

I came out as bisexual in December of 2016. When I came out it was one of the most difficult things to process and accept, and I tried to deny it every chance I got. I have slowly come to terms with it and now I am proud of it because it is part of who I am. It is no different than being straight, its just who I love, it doesn’t make me any different than anyone else. Unfortunately, many people don’t share those same views and believe that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community should be deported or shamed. People can be beyond rude to anyone in our community and it is hurtful beyond belief. What is even more hurtful is when people use “Gay” as an insult, or as a joke. Saying “thats so gay” is somewhat offensive, saying “stop being so gay” is hurtful, saying “I have a gay friend so” or “I look so gay” is hurtful. Saying “Faggot” is the most offensive thing to me and I do not want anyone in my life who says that. Saying Gay isn’t a bad thing when you don’t mean it as an insult or joke or use it to shame us. There is no reason that the LGBTQ+ community should be targeted for being ourselves. If you use any LGBTQ+ term as an insult or joke, please stop. Please think before you speak because what you say can hurt.

Educate yourself.

5/10/18

Today I did something I never thought I would do and I am so proud of myself, I told the entire group that I’m bisexual. It felt so good to say it out loud and express who I am on a deeper level. I have had a somewhat stressful yet relieving day. I met with my case worker this morning and I was kind of anxious about it but I didn’t say anything about it, which I wish I did. We talked about my list that I mentioned in the last past and what emotions I felt during it. I was disappointed in myself as I read all of these distorted thoughts I had and were letting myself continue to satisfy, mainly because none of them express who I really am as a person. My case manager also informed me that I am switching to IOP which is something I thought I would be really excited for but now that its here I’m kind of nervous and anxious for the change. Its weird to see how something I so badly didn’t want to do before is now something I want to stay in for longer. Its a good way to view how I can change my mindset and things can get better and make myself more aware of it. Switching to IOP means I am getting so much better and looking at my daily task sheets and seeing how many time I have been able to circle that I haven’t been suicidal is the best feeling in the world. Its progress, progress I never thought I would ever be able to gain. It shows how strong I am, and I’m a fighter which will never change. I can still be strong and a fighter and be anxious about how I going to handle switching to IOP. Its more time that I am not sure exactly how I am going to manage and its okay to be anxious about that. I will learn step by step, baby steps. It doesn’t matter how fast I finish the race, only that I never stop going.

I have spoken openly on my blog about my feelings towards my family. I love my mom but we are so different and it makes it hard to get along and relate with her sometimes. Lately I haven’t been home much because honestly it is just easier not to be there. I have spoken to my mom everyday and now she is getting kind of upset and annoyed that I’m not home more and it sucks that she can’t see my point of view. I hate myself so much for not wanting to spend time with her and I wish I could just change my mind but I can’t. I can’t just magically want to spend time with her all the time, if I could I would have by now. I know there is so many feelings that are keeping me back from wanting to spend more time with her and truthfully I don’t know if I am really ready to feel those emotions. I thought I had forgiven my mom and that everything was fine and now im realizing that maybe thats not the case. Maybe everything isn’t okay and I just keep trying to shut out all of my feelings. I think that’s something I have gotten really used to doing and now I do it automatically, and now I am trying to change my entire state of mind and I don’t know how to do that without destroying a piece of me in the process. Maybe that is what I am supposed to do so I can replace that piece with the real me but what if thats not the case. My past will always be there and I can never really forget that but I have the power to change me and change the future and I am so fucking scared to do it. I am not fucking ready to let go of everything I was raised learning and basically become a new person. That new person is probably already developed and I am just scared to express it because it means taking the power back and showing the world who I am instead of this scared little girl who can’t even get out of her own head. Its so damn unfair that I was born into this life and that now I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life when I don’t even really know if I want to. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live the rest of my life because I don’t see positive in the future and I don’t want to be in this constant pain for the rest of my life but, I don’t get to escape living. I can’t hit control+alt+delete on living. I am just dealt a set of cards that are my life and all I can do is play the cards i’m dealt the best I can. If I died I would hurt so many people in my life and I wish that nobody cared about me so I could just end my life without anyone being hurt but I know if I did it right now I would hurt so many people in my life and I can’t do that. I should want to live for me and part of me does so that someday I can make a change in the world and help others that are in the same place I am and so that someday I can see my kids learn how to ride a bike and see all of the love in the world. What hurts is that so much of me doesn’t want to live and make a difference. So much of me wishes I didn’t have to live and wake up everyday knowing what has happened to me and having to continue fighting the demons in my head and someday see everything taken away from me like it always is. As soon as I get close to something I lose it or I run from it because I can’t see how anyone would want anything to do with me and the more people I get close with means even more people I would hurt if I did end my life. I just want to run away from this life and start over and that’s not how life works. I wish I could go back and change what I went through but I can’t. I want to change the future but I am so scared to that I continue to let my past hurt me every day. I don’t see myself as anything other than my past and that hurts. I want to see me and I guess I’m scared that when I do find the real me that I will hate her. I just want to go back and change everything and I can’t change anything but the future and I keep fucking that up everyday. Why can’t I just be different. Why can’t I just change like I want to so bad, why do I keep self sabotaging myself. Why do I keep breaking myself even more when i’m already shattered. The only thing that is standing between my current self and the person I want to be is the wall that I just continue to build knowing that its my own fault I can’t change. I can let go of the past and everything I have been through but instead I don’t.

5/8/18

Part of being in PHP is process group, which is basically where we all talk about our main issue and ask for support and how others deal with the same type of issue. Today I didn’t bring up my question but related to someone else and told everyone I struggle to love myself. I also brought up that when I stopped self harm for three months was when I attempted suicide and now that I am trying to get all of my ducks in a row all at once, I don’t really know how to manage it all. By the end of group it felt like the entire topic was on me and I was having one very intense 1 on 1 session.  I guess right now I am trying to sort out in my head  how to validate my feelings without losing touch with my feelings. I think that is something I do a lot, because I tell myself that it is okay to feel hurt and then non directly telling myself it is okay to harm myself or not eat. I guess I just never really thought about it more in depth and now I am and I don’t know completely how to make sense of it all. I am basically self sabotaging myself by coming here to start to love myself and build self worth and then coming here and restricting and self harming. Self harming and restricting is basically feeding into my depression, the thing that I am trying to conquer the most.

I can’t really get self sabotage out of my head, probably because its evidence that I am doing to myself what Grandma used to do to me. I always say I want to get better and say I am putting the work in but am I really? How can I really be putting the work in when I am still continuing to hurt myself just like grandma used to? I honestly feel disappointed in myself, like I have been not only lying to others but mostly lying to myself.  I thought I was ready to fully recover and now I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know if I really am or if I am just faking it in a way. I always like to think that I have my life together but in reality, I don’t have it together in the slightest. I am so scared of actually feeling my feelings that I put up my walls to protect myself from others, but that doesn’t protect me from myself. I am my own worst enemy in this battle and I am letting myself get hurt more and more but smile and act like everything is okay because I am in treatment.

I always blame grandma for me restricting because she would call me fat and make me go for runs and was so hard on me, but maybe its not completely her fault. She is a neutral prompt that I am assigning a value, and that value hurts me. I think I am using restricting and self harm as a way to take back control, but in reality I am giving up even more control to them. In order for me to take control back I need to stop feeding the depression which means I need to stop restricting and stop self harming and to actually talk about my feelings behind all of it. I’m honestly more scared of talking about my feelings than the possible complications of restricting and self harm. Last night I wrote a pro’s and con’s list of all of the self harm I do and then the opposite. Reading it now I’m so sad and frustrated at myself for putting myself through so much hurt when I have the option to not be doing any of this to myself. Im hurting myself simply because I don’t want to do the hard work and actually talk about and feel my real, deep emotions. I just keep building my walls up higher and higher until something comes and knocks it down and then I have to build the wall up all over again. I just continue to be my own worst enemy and I don’t think twice about it. So what do I do now that I am conscious of what I have been doing to myself? CHANGE.

“Change starts with you”, and now is that time. I have to change the patterns I have continued to do to myself and I have to do it because I want to, not because someone else is forcing me to. “

5/7/18

I haven’t typed anything in a while, I guess thats because I haven’t been ready to actually face my feelings. Truly, I still don’t know if I am actually ready to but sometimes your biggest fear is the best thing for you, and this is one of those cases. I am still in PHP and it has been one of the roughest periods I have gone through in life and there are many days I don’t know if I will actually make it through. I just feel like I am in a constant fight with my own brain and while I have people who say they are here to support me, I still feel like I am completely alone. How do I justify feeling like I am completely alone when so many people want to support me. Maybe because nobody truly understands exactly what is going through my head. I am kind of just like a lost puppy that was left alone in a box on the street, with people constantly walking past me and petting me and on the rare occasion being taken home, but never kept for long.  I just become a bother to whoever takes me home, and I just get returned back to the box I originally started in.

Everyone tells me that i’m not a bother, but the issue is that even if I was, most people wouldn’t tell me. I always grew up and would go to a friends house and my mom would always say “don’t out stay your welcome”, and that has always been in the back of my head with everything I do. I guess mixing that with anxiety and constant overthinking doesn’t go very will. Honestly it hurts because I never feel like I am truly loved or cared about, as if I am staring at the other person through a fence. We can talk but they can never come to my side and see my world completely, only what they see through the fence. I feel trapped. I can’t trust anyone because I am constantly afraid that they are going to get bothered by me and not want me around anymore but don’t want to be rude and say it. I never can truly know whether or not someone is being completely honest with me. I guess that is something that I want to work on most, getting out of my own head for a while and seeing things clearly, even if I can only see bits and pieces clearly. Something is better than nothing, right? I don’t want to be constantly afraid like I’m the lost puppy that someone brought home, kept for a while, just to return it back to its original box. I want to trust that I am actually liked and matter in this world and arn’t just one huge bother.

Overthinking is always what gets me into the most trouble, because many time what I am overthinking results in the wrong answer and essentially hurting myself in a way by putting me through so much stress, anxiety, and fear. My psychiatrist asked me something today after I told him that I self harm as punishment. He asked, “Which is harder to deal with and sit in, talking about your feeling and emotions and actually feeling them, or cutting?” I said that it would be harder to actually talk and truly feel my feelings, and he said “Exactly, so talking about your feelings is more of a punishment than cutting so focus on that instead of hurting yourself.” I never really thought of it like that and now I keep thinking about it and its honestly one of the only things that I can’t find a way to overthink that results in me hurting myself. Probably because its so true, I am terrified to have to actually feel my feelings and talk about what happened completely. It hurts worse than any cut or bruise ever could, just without anyone seeing. I mean, its still really hard and going to be hard to watch this last time I self harmed heal but maybe in a way its a start to actually recovering, even if I have to see it as a punishment to myself.

I saw my case manager at the end of the day today and broke down crying to her, which is something I never do. I cried because I am so hurt inside and now i’m so scared of what feeling is actually like that I can’t let my walls down completely no matter how hard I try.  Depression, self harm, and restricting have always been safety blankets in a way, and I have gotten very comfortable with them. But now I have to voluntarily give up those blankets and show myself for who I truly am.