I have so many words yet I know how to express so few. Today started so good with this being my last day of program. I was genuinely happy about this even though I was a little scared about making the change to normal life again. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s after and was in such a good mood, feeling free from everything for a little while. I got there and just chilled out and pet the dog for a while and then brushed her since she sheds so much. What made my day really rough was what happened later on. Hanna had to go to a. friends house in the same area as Jack was going yet he refused to drive her so Kristy had us hide his keys in my back pack so there was no way he would find them. Once Kristy got back and was ready to then take Hanna, Jack freaked out and stood in the car door so Hanna couldn’t close it. Then after a while since he wouldn’t move, Kristy backed up just a little and Jack put all his weight on the door, breaking it. Then he started screaming at Kristy saying things like she is a dumb c**t and b***h and he just kept screaming at her. Once he started getting violent, Kiley started fighting and thats when Kristy got out of the car and started fighting him too. Eventually Kiley got away from Jack and came up to the front porch and grabbed the baseball bat. Jack and Kiley were then fighting each other so Hanna and Kristy left thinking the situation would then calm down. I had grabbed Connor and sent him upstairs to Kelli Ann’s room. Kiley came up to the front porch and Jack grabbed her and threw her onto the sidewalk. He then shoved me out of the door against the wall and came into the house. I was scared he was going to go upstairs where the kids were so I pushed him toward the basement and he go in my face and went to hit me and stopped and stormed downstairs screaming that I am a c**t, b***h, can kill myself, and can go f**k myself. I heard him punch the wall twice and Kiley then came inside and was washing blood off her ankle. Brandon was at the table but went down stairs after a few minutes. Jack came back upstairs and went outside and started to walk away so I quickly shut the door and locked it as well as all the other doors. Kiley went upstairs to check on the kids and Jack came back and grabbed the bat, and started to hit the front windows screaming my name but he couldn’t break them because of the screens. He then went to the back yard and I was the only one that floor besides Kaden. I saw Jack out the back window and I ran and covered Kaden so he wouldn’t get hit by glass. Jack hit the back window with he bat and shattered it everywhere and then started throwing glass at me. I stood up closer to the window trying to get him to go away or chill out but he didn’t. He then went back up front and started fighting with Kristy who had just came back and them came to the back yard again and started hitting the window again. Hanna and Kristy were both inside at this point and the doors were locked again. I went and stood in front of Kaden again to make sure he was safe. Kristy was by the window yelling back at Jack and finally he left and went up front and started walking down the road while two undercover cops were watching. Hanna had call the police after Kristy said to. A couple seconds later a cop arrested Jack and more cops showed up. Kristy went up to the cop and started to tell her what happened and Jeff called me so I went out there and told them I saw everything that happened. Hanna and Kiley then came outside too talking to the cop. She asked us to go inside with her and write written statements of everything that happened. While we were doing that Jeff showed up from work and wanted to know everything that happened. He was talking to the cop as I finished my statement. They explained he was being taken to Wauconda jail for the night and would be in front of a judge in 48 hours max. Once the cops started to leave we started to check out the damage and clean up. I was in shock and couldn’t even move. I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. I came out and Jeff’s dad, Scott, was there looking at everything. He kind of had a attitude but helped up take the broken window out so we could take it to get fixed. Everyone then went outside while I stayed inside making sure the kids stayed upstairs. Amy, Jeff’s ex-wife came and started screaming that its insane that Jeff brought me, a 20 year old woman to his house and let me sleep in their house, and that I cut and would do it in front of the kids (I would never, just sayin). Kristy looked inside to see if I was listening and I was but could only hear bits and pieces. I didn’t know the full story until later. Amy was acting all nice to me and I didn’t know what she had said so I was nice too. Evidently Scott had some words to say about me as well. During all of this my parents wanted me to go to dinner and I said no because I was there and I couldn’t tell them what was actually going on so I kept telling them I just wasn’t hungry. They were frustrated I wouldn’t go and me and my mom were sending long texts to each other basically fighting about how I’m a bad daughter. What made this bad, it was fathers day.
I walk through a forest preserve to clear my head and get some fresh aid. As I walk, I see two trails in different directions. One to the left, and one to the right. No trail markers, just two paths forcing you to make a decision. It seems like it would be such a simple decision yet if you really think about it, its a difficult decision to make. I see it like this, one path is the choice of recovery, the choice of taking care of myself, and the choice to accept my future. The other path however, is no change, no recovery, only putting others first, and pretending everything is okay. Everyone tells me to chose the path of recovery and self love but something always holds me back. Am I truly ready for recovery? Am I ready to love myself? Am I ready to face the shame? I stare down both paths seeing the good and bad to both. Which path should I go down? I talk about this trail but, this is what recovery looks like to me. A constant decision making process with no right or wrong, everything is grey. I take one step forward and look down both paths one more time before starting to walk down the path or recovery. I may stop sometimes and take on or two steps back but, I always continue to take more steps down the path of recovery. I will always make mistakes along the way but, I will always continue walking down the trail or recovery.
I walk into a room and ask for a table for four. They ask, “Who are you waiting for?” and I say “No one, they are already here.”. The waiter, clearly puzzled, walks me to my table and walks away. Only I see who I am sitting with because, they are already with me, all day, everyday. I don’t always talk to them or respond when they talk to. me but, they always follow. A party of four, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and I. That all talk while I sit with them quietly but, I can’t ask them to leave because they never leave. Everyday is a constant battle as I try to get rid of them forever, even though that might be impossible. I try to fight them until they all share on chair quietly in the corner but, most likely they will never completely leave. We will always be ‘four’ however, I will only need a table for one.
The waiter walks up to me and asks, “How many people?” and I proudly say “Just one.”
We write in pencil so that we can erase our mistake or anything we don’t like. We only use pen when we know we won’t make any mistakes, or when signing something important so we can’t quickly erase it if we change out mind. I think that’s why so many people write in pencil, if they make a mistake they think it doesn’t mean anything. The thing is, what we say and do in life is all written in pen. There is no eraser to take back whatever action we decided we didn’t like in the first place. Stop using pencil, stop being afraid of making a mistake or showing you aren’t perfect. Write in pen, be confident, be proud, accept your mistakes and be okay with nothing being truly perfect. Show the world who you are, WRITE IN BOLD! You were made to write in pen, otherwise you wouldn’t have been given one.
I admit my mistakes, not always to others but to myself. Some say that doesn’t really mean admitting my mistakes but, I view it as owing no one a explanation. This is me, not you. This seems frequently lost in translation because some still look for this explanation even after hearing “no”. Why would anyone think they have rights over my body after 20 years? Those rights expired on my 18th birthday and I didn’t exactly let anyone sign up for those rights again, yet they felt entitled to them and took them. Who knows, maybe I gave some of them away. I still let others speak and I take what is said into consideration but, when it comes down to making a decision, I’m the one signing the contract of life. What I have never really been able to understand is why we are forced to begin inclement in this contract the second we are born. I earned the rights to the contract at age 18 but, not completely. No matter what, I cannot terminate this contract unless I tear it apart. Doing this however, makes the original owners of the contract break. After all, they loved the contract beyond belief even after losing rights to it. I may no longer like all of the pages I have signed in this contract, but I can pick some words from each page and slowly change them one by one in the future. Someday I will love signing a new page everyday but, its okay if that day isn’t today.
I look in the mirror. Why. These marks are like a roadmap wrote on my body in permanent marker. They fade with time unless the map is re-written. I run out of room in one spot so the map extends to other parts of my body, some places easier to hide than others. I am used to these maps on my skin and watching them fade. The more it fades, the more I wish I could re-write it somewhere else. These maps hurt when being written but, I get a release from the maps and I constantly want more. The struggle is to constantly hide these maps since many people don’t understand why I would like these maps written all over my body. I am a series of roadmaps being wrote on my skin with cuts, bruises, and scars.
I did something today and truthfully I am actually a little scared to type it out on here. We all make mistakes but it can be hard when the mistake is something you want. There are a lot of words to express how I feel yet I find myself speechless right now because I know what I have done. Today I did something that I never thought I would do, something I never thought would even be a thought in my mind. How do I pick myself back up from here? How do I fix this mistake when everyday the suspense of the mistake grows? I admit that I self harm, and it is not something I am ashamed of. Its frustrating and hard to explain and talk about sometimes, yes, but I am not ashamed of it. What I have done today, I am ashamed of and I deserve to be. I messed up and now I am stuck having to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Today I was 18 days with no self harm.
Today I disappointed myself in ways I can’t even explain. Today I self harmed however, that’s not what I am upset about. I am upset because I self harmed at someone else’s house, I let others down instead of just myself. I thought about making a different choice but in the end I made the decision not to stay safe. How do I come back from something like this? I really messed up. Damn.