I feel like I’m in a building after a tornado, and people searched the area for survivors, but missed me. Me. Alone. Trapped until sheets of concrete and broken glass. I’m hurt, broken, scared, and lost… so, so lost. This is what I feel like in this world, but instead of helping the person who is hurt, broken, and scared, they simply say “Stay strong”. I’m 20 years old and have been staying strong my entire life. If I had physical wounds nobody would think twice about helping me but with this they just say strong over and over as if that helps me in the slightest. Sometimes they don’t even say anything at all. If it’s isn’t physically seen then guess it doesn’t matter. Maybe I don’t matter then? I have worked to make something of myself and then I still get stuck in the ruble from a tornado that went through but nobody cares because the don’t see my physically injured. So many people don’t believe in mental illness and when you struggling and nobody close to you believes, suddenly that are trapped in the ruble with no escape other than yourself. It’s hard to save yourself when you know you are completely alone and feel like you can breathe. What then? You know you don’t have any other option to fight because otherwise you will die down there, because of all the ruble stacked on top of you.
Its amazing how you can feel like such a failure in the one thing everyone tells you that you’re good at. I’m told that i’m too hard on myself, and all I see is that i’m not nearly hard enough. I wish I could see myself from a different point of view, maybe things would be different. Truly, i’m lost in my own mind and I don’t know what to do. I disappoint myself on a daily basis and that’s the only thing I know how to do correctly. I realized something today, most people are driven by being proud. They want to be proud of themselves, others, or want someone to be proud of them. I on the other hand, am driven by fear. Fear of worthlessness, fear of failure, fear of disappointment. I don’t know how to be proud of myself, but I know how to be scared. For some reason, the past two weeks, life has just kind of hurt, haven’t really felt much happiness. Hopefully that will change again. I could use some positive in my life.
Today I was informed of my official CPTSD, GAD, and MDD diagnosis.
Since my last post had a specific topic, I decided to make a second post for the rest of my emotions. I went a few days without posting anything for a variety of reasons. The more I feel down, the less I have any desire or energy to type. I admit, i’m kind of having a hard time and I don’t know what to do. Everything just kind of hurts. I love music more than anything in the world but I feel like such a failure in it right now and i’m so beyond frustrated with myself.
On a different topic, today is Hullabaloo which is basically the entire campus gathering in the quad and going to all the clubs and programs tables and there is a bunch of free food, games, prizes, and its a lot of fun from what I have heard. Here’s the issue, I am running the financial aid table for a hour, surrounded around thousands of student, and I have to talk as well. I have less than two hours before I have to go and I am on the brink of having a anxiety attack. People scare me and this is going to be a lot of people in a somewhat small space and i’m almost in tears right now. I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to do this. I AM FREAKIN TERRIFIED AND REALLY DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. This is too far out of my comfort zone.
Lets switch to one last topic. Food freakin sucks. Like I know I should lose at least a little weight because i’m overweight right now, but I just want everyone to stop commenting on what I eat. My mom constantly comments on how much I eat and I try so hard to ignore what she says because I eat salad every day for lunch and even at dinner I don’t eat fast food very often. But I had a bag of candy corn in my desk at work, mainly because I know my boss loves it and she always comes by my desk to find food. I also had a banana nut muffin I was gonna have for lunch today and someone I work with came up to me and said “My god Cass how much sugar are you gonna eat girl?! Eat a salad for gods sake.” and now I can’t eat anything because I am anxious and upset about what she said to even eat anything.
I’m trying so hard to just make it through a half hour, so that maybe then I can make it through a hour, and eventually the entire day. Please
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” – 2 Timothy 4:17
I attempted to type this last night but didn’t get very far before falling asleep, so here is try #2. I am scared, but not in the way you think I am. There are no spiders, no butterflies (yes, that’s a fear of mine), no heights. Instead, there are suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, judgement, failure, self harm, worthlessness. Nothing compares to that fear, the fear of no control.
I get asked “Are you suicidal?”, and sometimes depending on who it is, I will be honest and say yes. Majority of the time though, I say no. Depending on who knows you are suicidal and to what level, they may want you to go to the ER, essentially giving you no other option other than to do that, or call someone you know to alert them. Truth is, I am always suicidal. While I may not be taking action or forming a plan, the smallest thing will make me think “I want to die” or “Dying would be so much easier than living through this”. For me, it never truly stops and I have come to cope with that. I know I am strong and won’t attempt. I also know, sometimes I will breakdown completely because I will want to so bad. But I will get through it, I will fight because I refuse to let the people that hurt me so bad win.
When I get suicidal or really have the urge to self harm, majority of the time I will have a anxiety attack. Most of the time I can talk myself through it and attempt to find calm. Sometimes however, I can’t even think clearly enough to be able to do that. Sometimes if I trust enough, I will ask for help, and that’s okay. But if I go to you, understand that any little trigger I had before, is amplified by ten. The word “Hospital” or “ER” scare me and trigger a large amount of anxiety even when I am calm, so believe me when I say that if you send either of those words to me when I am having an anxiety attack or feel like I don’t have complete control of my body, I am going to panic much worse. If I go to you, I need you to help keep me grounded, not freak out, not trigger me more. If I am going to you, I am scared. I am terrified. It’s not that I have no control, but I am not thinking clearly and don’t remember I have control. I need you to remind me that I am safe and that I have control, I need you to keep me focused until I am grounded enough that I can remember all of this myself.
The reason I self harm is so I feel something instead of nothing. When I feel nothing, suicide looks like the perfect answer, even though I know that its the opposite. When I feel, everything hurts but at least I can see that suicide isn’t the only answer. Sometimes the only way I know how to feel some kind of emotion when I am numb, is to self harm. For a moment it brings me calm, while still having feeling. After I usually fall asleep and then wake up in the morning depressed all over again. But for that moment I self harm, it takes away the pain of being numb. I guess that’s part of the reason its addicting in a way.
The reason I go to people sometimes for help isn’t because I am going to kill myself or do something that is going to end in my life ending. I ask for help because I am scared, because I most likely want to self harm and feel it take away all of my pain for a moment to that I can breathe, because i’m having a anxiety attack and I feel like i’m suffocating. I am coming to you because i’m terrified of my own brain and while I can’t think clearly, you can. If I go to you, that means I trust you more than almost everyone I know, do not do something that could in the slightest scare me more, or hurt me, because I will lost trust in you and once it is lost, I do not give it back.
My dad has stage four lung cancer and will barely talk to me, i’m not sure if he even wants to see me anymore. I want the dad that was there when I was younger, because even though he was always really hard on me, deep down he cared, at least a little bit. Now, truthfully I have no idea whether or not he cares, I barely recognize the man I currently call my father. I see him and I see a stranger. Right now i’m my own stranger, I don’t really know who I even am now. I left everything to come here to Harper, and I made something of myself here. I wasn’t the most well known, and I definitely wasn’t known as the loud extrovert everyone else was, but I still was at least known. This is now my second year at Harper, and those I saw at the end of the summer semester said they missed seeing me in the music building everyday. I figured that coming into this fall semester, I would be welcomed by my same friends, and things wouldn’t have changed. I was wrong, because nothing stayed the same. New music student came in, and i’m currently in classes with all of them because I failed my entire first year essentially. I thought that maybe I would make some friends in my classes, and everything would be okay. I’m either invisible or hated, i’m not sure which. There is a group of all my old friends who are now in the top level classes and will most likely be able to transfer at the end of this year, and another group of all new music student. Somehow I lost my place in my group and can’t get into a new one, somehow I was forgotten. I became a outsider, and I don’t even know where I belong now. I look at myself in the mirror and see a stranger, this is not the girl I thought I would become. I’m doing better in my classes since I sit at the extra desk at work and do homework and study all day. What I should have realized sooner was that I left behind the person I became when I started here. Nobody see’s me, they see the girl that started here and changed, and never came back. They see the girl that was eventually broken too many times and left. I’m finally the same person here as I am at home, and I realize that maybe that wasn’t what I actually wanted. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be someone I could never be. As I tried to become that person, I became who I am now, and i’m not completely sure who this person even is. I’m thankful that I am now doing well in my classes, and very thankful that someone knew how to push me just enough to get to this point. I have wanted to be able to do this for such a long time, but I guess I didn’t realize that even though I wanted this, maybe I wasn’t really prepared for this. I’m definitely not going to stop now, I just don’t know how to adjust, I don’t know what to do. I just want to stop feeling depressed so much, it keeps just getting worse and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I don’t know what to do about anything anymore…
I had a rough day to day and the past couple days have been no better, and I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow is going to be like. I have a post it on my laptop desktop that says “No matter how depressed, anxious, worthless, or hurt you feel, do not give up hope that tomorrow will be better.”. I do not know if tomorrow will be better or not, but someday I will be able to honestly say that I am good, even if today isn’t that day.