6/15/18

I have so many words yet I know how to express so few. Today started so good with this being my last day of program. I was genuinely happy about this even though I was a little scared about making the change to normal life again. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s after and was in such a good mood, feeling free from everything for a little while. I got there and just chilled out and pet the dog for a while and then brushed her since she sheds so much. What made my day really rough was what happened later on. Hanna had to go to a friends house in the same area as Jack was going yet he refused to drive her so Kristy had us hide his keys in my back pack so there was no way he would find them. Once Kristy got back and was ready to then take Hanna, Jack freaked out and stood in the car door so Hanna couldn’t close it. Then after a while since he wouldn’t move and all he was doing was screaming at them, Kristy backed up just a little and Jack put all his weight on the car door, breaking it. Then he started screaming at Kristy saying things like she is a dumb c**t  and b***h and he just kept screaming at her. Once he started getting violent, Kiley started fighting and thats when Kristy got out of the car and started fighting him too. Eventually Kiley got away from Jack and came up to the front porch and grabbed the baseball bat. Jack and Kiley were then fighting each other so Hanna and Kristy left thinking the situation would then calm down. I had grabbed Connor and sent him upstairs to Kelli Ann’s room. Kiley came up to the front porch and Jack grabbed her and threw her onto the sidewalk. He then shoved me out of the door against the wall and came into the house. I was scared he was going to go upstairs where the kids were so I pushed him toward the basement and he got in my face and went to hit me and stopped and stormed downstairs screaming  that I am a c**t, b***h, can kill myself, and can go f**k myself. I heard him punch the wall twice and Kiley then came inside and was washing blood off her ankle. Brandon was at the table but went down stairs after a few minutes. Jack came back upstairs and went outside and started to walk away so I quickly shut the door and locked it as well as all the other doors. Kiley went upstairs to check on the kids and Jack came back and grabbed the bat, and started to hit the front windows screaming my name but he couldn’t break them because of the screens. He then went to the back yard and I was the only one on that floor besides Kaden. I saw Jack out the back window and I ran and covered Kaden so he wouldn’t get hit by glass. Jack hit the back window with the bat and shattered it everywhere and then started throwing glass at me. I stood up closer to the window trying to get him to go away or chill out but he didn’t. He then went back up front and started fighting with Kristy who had just came back and them came to the back yard again and started hitting the window again. Hanna and Kristy were both inside at this point and the doors were locked again. I went and stood in front of Kaden again to make sure he was safe. Kristy was by the window yelling back at Jack who was screaming at her and finally he left and went up front and started walking down the road while two undercover cops were watching. Hanna had call the police after Kristy said to. A couple seconds later a cop arrested Jack and more cops showed up. Kristy went up to the cop and started to tell her what happened and Jeff called me so I went out there and told them I saw everything that happened. Hanna and Kiley then came outside too talking to the cop. She asked us to go inside with her and write written statements of everything that happened. While we were doing that Jeff showed up from work and wanted to know everything that happened.  He was talking to the cop as I finished my statement. They explained he was being taken to Wauconda jail for the night and would be in front of a judge in 48 hours max. Once the cops started to leave we started to check out the damage and clean up. I was in shock and couldn’t even move. I thought I was gonna pass out or be sick. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and got sick. I came out and Jeff’s dad, Scott, was there looking at everything. He kind of had a attitude but helped up take the broken window out so we could take it to get fixed. Everyone then went outside while I stayed inside making sure the kids stayed upstairs. Amy, Jeff’s ex-wife came and started screaming that its insane that Jeff brought me, a 20 year old woman to his house and let me sleep in their house, and that I cut and would do it in front of the kids (I would never, just sayin). Kristy looked inside to see if I was listening and I was but could only hear bits and pieces.  I didn’t know the full story until later. Amy was acting all nice to me and I didn’t know what she had said so I was nice too. Evidently Scott had some words to say about me as well. During all of this my parents wanted me to go to dinner and I said no because I was there and I couldn’t tell them what was actually going on so I kept telling them I just wasn’t hungry. They were frustrated I wouldn’t go and me and my mom were sending long texts to each other basically fighting about how I’m a bad daughter. What made this bad, it was fathers day.

6/14/18

Last night I had a lot on my mind even though I didn’t write much. I was really struggling last night and I admit I was kind of worried. Talking to Jeff helped but, it didn’t at the same time. He tried, that I admit. Our life situations have been very different and sometimes it makes it hard to relate. He doesn’t really understand my point of view when I get upset about situations with my family. To me its a lot more that just going back and forth between my two families.

(My stomach hurts so bad right now and I honestly kind of feel like i’m going to be sick or faint. Im so dizzy and I went to the bathroom hoping that would help but, it almost made me more sick.

Im also gonna talk to Abbey soon and i’m really anxious about it. Like I know I need to but, I’m just worried about such a big change especially when I don’t feel well. I don’t know if its really gonna be this hard or if I’m overthinking it. I know majority of the time I overthink but, with this I’m not sure. I am worried about not having enough structure and falling back.

Wow. I really don’t feel good right now. Probably because I haven’t ate anything in almost 24 hours now. Im pushing my body over and over but eventually I know my body is going to break. Especially now when I really don’t feel good because I keep pushing myself physically and emotionally repeatedly. I’m scared about breaking.

Tomorrow is my last day!)

I feel so exhausted yet I don’t stop or slow down. Im doing this with everything in my life. I always think I can do some amazing thing when in reality i’m only human.

6/13/18

I have finally found the point where I have fucked up too much. I missed program this morning and later in the day I got a call from my case manager who, to the lease, wasn’t real happy with me. She basically said that I need to discharge from the program on Friday and that way if I need to come back in the future, I can. I understand her point of view on it, I guess I am just frustrated with myself. I wish I would have just kept going to program but, because I didn’t, I am now done. I am kind of scared about not having much, if any, structure on a daily basis. I know when I don’t have much striation I tend to go back into my negative state of mind which, well, we know how that goes. Im worried that when when I stop program, I will go downhill and sendup doing the same thing that resulted in me having to go there in the first place. Honestly, I wish I could attempt suicide and just end it but, the issue is that I want to not be alive, without dying. I guess it comes down to the fact I don’t want to hurt others but, I also don’t want to keep suffering myself. I just want everything to… stop. Why do I so badly want this all to end, why can’t I just want to live? I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I get that maybe I haven’t done anything specific to deserve this but, either way, why is this happening. I have done everything I can for things to get better yet, they haven’t honestly. I’m only being taught how to deal with this pain but, not actually how to stop it. If this is how it will always be, then I don’t want to sign up for a long term subscription. If life sucks then its not a life I want to live. I feel like no matter what I do things will never get better. I don’t even know what I specifically want to change. I just want to not feel like this. I always say I want to find the real me, but what if this is the real me. What if this is just what i’m like and things wont ever change. I think that might actually be my biggest fear right now. If this is how my life will always be then I would rather know now so I can just end it now instead of continuing to suffer. I so badly just want things to be different yet they never actually change. I am the only one that can make the change so I guess its my own fault that im like this. Maybe Im just not trying hard enough but, if I’m not trying my best now, Probably never will. I don even know why I keep thinking this through. That won’t make this any better and I know I should just stop and end it now but I’m a fucking idiot and just keep doing it. Someone once told me the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exception a different reaction. I think thats what I’m doing now. This is my own fault, I deserve this. I seriously fucking deserve this.

6/12/18

I wanted to write last night but, it was a very rough night so I took my meds and slept. As usual, I was suicidal however, this time there was a cause. I think I already wrote about the decision I made to move in with the Vicari’s. I thought over this many times and it was not an easy decision to make. I wrote about the drama that happened at Olive Garden. I was beyond upset about that and finally decided to do a pro con list for moving out and one for staying home (6/10/18). For both I had some long lists. Many of my cons for staying home were pros for moving out. I discussed it with Jeff and Kristy and she asked what a home is to me. I said, “Feeling safe, being bale to be me safely, and feeling heard, not invisible, feeling loved, feeling wanted.”. I then put a star next to everything I listed that involved one or more of those three things. Almost all of the cons for staying home were stared and all of the pros for moving out had a star. That list basically made my mind up for me. I really wanted to tell my family this week but, I wanted to tell my cousins first. I ended up going to their house last night and was hoping they would be somewhat supportive but, they weren’t. Honestly, they were the exact opposite of supportive, they might as well said “Fuck you”. I honestly feel like the entire world is against me. Like I have so little hope at this point and I have no clue whether I will get it back at this point or not. I look back at yesterday with straight frustration, not anger. I am more hurt than anything. My family should be supporting me and they are doing everything except that. They don’t understand how much they are hurting me, I don’t even feel a point in living at this point. Is there a point anymore? I have so few people who support me right now and I feel as if someone just came and took one of the only things I had left. Will I have anything left at the end of this?  I always make jokes that I am like a lost puppy except, its not a joke. I am literally being shown that my parents have control over me and I feel like they think they have control over my entire life even though I am 10. They always have a say in everything and I feel like my opinion is completely ignored at this point. I don’t even fucking matter so why am I even trying anymore, there is no point. I am worthless in every way and when I finally try to gain some worth, its all taken away. I honestly just want to cut. I don’t give a fuck anymore. It would be easier to kill myself but, I just wish there was a way to end my life without dying. Like a reset button. Right now that reset button is a blade and/or pills. It would be so much easier for me but I don’t want to hurt the few people I still care about and that care about me. Im tired except nobody will let me take a nap when thats the only thing I want now. I want to take a nap to escape all of the hurt and pain I deal with every single day. This nap is called suicide which feels like a strange name for a nap but, for some reason, everyone is against this type of nap. I can’t even power nap because everyone calls it self harm when I just see it as a small break from everything. I guess we’re just expected to stay up all day and night without needing a break or getting any sleep. Somehow I watch as everyone around me is able to do this yet no matter how hard I try it just never fits. What is wrong with me that everyone else is able to get through this but I sit over here too weak and worthless to play and yet, I’m still not allowed to nap or take anything breaks. I feel like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do but ya know, everything is my fault. I am really tired and nobody is trying to help keep me awake anymore. There is no point in fighting this dumb battle all day and night when I never signed up for it in the first place. I never asked for anything except for a little bit of help staying awake, and they took that away the second she didn’t get what she wanted. I wish I would get into a car accident without anyone other than me getting hurt. I don’t want them to get hurt, only me. I just want it all to end quickly and for others to not know it was my choice. I don’t want them to think any of it is their fault even if it is. They are still alive so they might as week keep their perfect self image they have right now just without me. It will hurt them but, they will eventually get over it and I won’t matter at all because it was “tragic” but, only if someone else kills me. If I kill myself them my family will blame themselves and there will be people who shame them so its just easier if they don’t really know what happened. Unless I am allowed too, self harm is all I have that can release it, but nobody will let me do that because that again would hurt their perfect self image.

6/10/18 pt.2

I don’t really know how to start this page other than I have slept around 13 hours and I woke up wanting to cut so bad I still haven’t been able to move off the couch. I texted Jeff asking him to move the knife I know I would use, except I don’t think he did which makes me kind of upset. I know I need to learn how to handle the pain instead of running away from it but, when I ask for support like that, sometimes I really need it. I feel like my ask for help was just ignore.

 

6/8/18

I keep trying to grow as a person as I get older and every day it gets a little harder. I want to do the right thing for not only myself but others too. I know I can’t please everyone but, right now i’m not pleasing anyone. I feel like I am completely alone while being surrounded by everyone. I want there to be a. exact answer to all of this and I don’t think there ever will be. I just want to be happy and I keep trying my best to be, and no matter how hard I try, its never good enough. Im never good enough. I don’t really know if I will ever be good enough or happy enough for myself.

I got in a fight with my mom two days ago. It was really frustration to be honest, I love my mom and its really hard fighting with her like this. I was at home almost asleep on the couch when my parents both walked in which was a surprise since my mom was supposed to be at work. My dad sat in his chair in the living room and my mom walked in with mcdonalds. My dad said something about goin g to the hospital and not feeling well but, before I could ask any questions my mom asked if I wanted to sit in the kitchen with her and share a ice cream Sunday she go. I said sure so I went into the kitchen with a ll of my colored pencils so I could color code them. After sitting there for a couple minutes, she said that dad was in a lot of pain and was really worried that he was in so much pain again so quickly. Evidently after calling the doctor they were worried it could have been related to his heart issues (he had a heart attack and almost died my freshman year of high school). They went to see one of his hear doctors about his cancer in Woodstock hospital. He said it wasn’t most likely related to a major issue so he raised my dads pain meds by double and sent him home. Thats why my mom had came home from work. A few minutes after we stopped talking about my dad, I asked if she would rather meet Jeff and Kristy at their house or at restaurant. The tone of her voice changed completely and she said she hadn’t;t really thought about seeing them even though I had brought it up many times. I just said it was okay and she could tell me when she was ready. She quickly got defensive and said she was still mad at them for me staying at their house the night before. I corrected her and told her it was my decision to stay there and no one else’s. After that we got into what I would say was a one sided argument. At some point I brought up (jokingly) about moving out and she got really mad and lashed out at me. I guess thats the difference between me and my mom, she is very emotional when it comes to fights, whereas I am more political. Its hard to be so different than my mom. We constantly fight over everything. After I brought up moving out, our argument just kept getting worse. She kept trying to blame and bash them and was clearly getting frustrated that I kept sticking up for them and taking all of the blame myself. The thing is, they haven’t done anything wrong so its not like I am taking anyone else blame.My mom just really struggles to see it that way. She said a lot of hurtful things and the majority of these things im choosing not to write down because of how upsetting they were but, by the end of the conversation I got up, grabbed pumpkin (my doggo), and left. My mom called me later and asked where I was. I said I was at the forest preserve but, considering I didn’t come home until midnight, she know thats not really where I was. I went to Jeff and Kristy’s and was beyond frustrated.

That was two days ago. That night I went home and went to my room then, woke up the next day and went back to Jeff and Kristy’s and spent the night. I woke up this morning to a. text from my mom that said, “Do you want to meet me for lunch? I’m at north. We can go to Olive Garden. Dad and I just want you to be happy. If you want 2am every night thats fine. Don’t want fight anymore.” I called her and said I would after I went home to change. I met my mom at the bank then went to Olive Garden together. Ill be honest, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Looking at it now, I was really hoping it would have went better than it did. It could have been worse but, I just thought Mayne things could chill out for once. My entire life has been never-ending chaos. I just want Calm and to feel like I have a safe place to can call home, and every time I think I might have that it gets taken away. I just want a safe place to land. Basically, going back to what happened with my mom, we got to the restaurant and you could feel the tension. We talked about curfew again for a couple of minutes and that almost set the conversation up for failure. We both settled on 2am as the time to be home and to tell them if I would be home or not. My mom apologized for making me feel like she is constantly giving me a guilt trip. I was glad she apologized but, I knew part of her wasn’t really sorry. She kept trying to make it seem like I have no control because Jeff and Kristy are taking advantage of me because I am 20 and vulnerable. I kept trying to stick up for myself against my mom and I don’t think she actually understood me. She always makes me feeling like I have no real say in what is going on. She says she understands my point of view too but, it feels like it almost does her way or the highway. She wouldn’t listen to a word I said anytime we talking about me moving. I held my own the entire time though, which I had a hard time doing. She was so closed minded and I tried so hard to get in her head enough for her to see past me just being her daughter but, I don’t think I ever really got through to her. She is really concerned about me going back and doing well in school without any responsibilities. She says she knows I am a 20 year old in college and responsible, but she doesn’t act like she understands it. She can only see me as her little girl, not a person who deserves to make her own decisions and choose her freedom. I feel like I am small and invisible yet under a magnified glass all the time. She brought up dad again and said she is really worried and I should be spending time with him while I still can. I got really upset at this part because this was when my mom started tearing up.  I don’t want to lose my dad and I know my mom and I will both be so hurt when/if something happens. Although this isn’t the part that made me upset the most, When we left and were back to my car I got out and my mom started really crying and begged me not to move out over and over and reminded me how much she really needs me right now, at least just living at home. I so badly don’t want to hurt my mom and I love her so much, but I feel like im trapped living at home with my parents. My mom just kept crying and hugged me and I felt /feel so bad for putting her through this. I know not all of it is my fault but, I still blame myself some. I know I can see this as just another way she is taking advantage of/guilting but, but it isn’t like that this time.  I think my mom is really hurt my everything we have been fighting over and what I have put her through. I can’t do this to her, I can’t do this at all. I seriously just want this and everything to just stop. Please make it stop. My mom said so many hurtful things at lunch and then for her to cry just put me through so many emotions. Im just really, really hurt and want to feel like I belong somewhere and am really loved and cared for. I want/wish I could just have a mom that understands me and sees me as I am, not the person I am supposed to be. I want a mom who would have hugged me as I cried, and would just give me physical affection the way a daughter deserved. I am really hurt after what happened today. Part of me thinks I could burst into pears, part of me wants to self harm, and part of me wants to go completely silent. I wish I could do all of these things right now. I just wish I could change everything and start a new life because I am so alone in this world and I wish I could be saved but, I can’t be. Who am I? Where am I? Im so very sorry. I just really wish everything would stop for a while. I wish I could be truly open. I want to feel safe.

6/7/18

My body image isn’t something I talk about often, mainly because of the reaction I receive. Everyone views body image as something on the outside but, what if body image is really on the outside? Then what? Does that mean we can no longer give each other compliments to help boost someones self esteem and confidence? I personally don’t think that’s really what it means. I think there is more to body image than just out physical appearance. Just because we may benefit or physically be healthy, doesn’t mean we can’t have a bad body image. Our body image is our view of ourselves, whether it is realistic or not.

Starting yesterday, I am cross tracking with the eating disorder program (ED). I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I figured it would just be set up kind of like lecture however, I was very wrong. The first portion we did was Q+A which gave us all the time to ask a question for the dietician there. This I found really helpful and informative. I think this was a great ‘first impression’ to part of the program. I thought this was going to be the full two hours. Instead at 10:45 we had to ‘snack’ which was really scary to do and pushed me way outside my comfort zone. We have to eat something, can’t look at the nutritional facts, and can’t skip. We have certain options of what we can eat and we have to participate whether we like it or not. Looking at it now, its probably a good thing we are required to eat because otherwise, majority of us wouldn’t. This is still scary for me since this was my first time and I had no option as to whether or not to eat. The last portion of ED was skills group for body image. This is by far what bothered me most about the entire thing. I was so scared of judgement that I barely learned the program. Judgement is one thing that is really difficult to me yet many parents don’t understand why I can’t just completely start eating and be normal. I didn’t chose this so don’t treat me like I did. I got bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life and this is the first time I have really ignored my family. I was being bullied my entire life by both people at school and at home. I still think about it to see if you are all even good for me in the slightest. Majority of me thinks that if the negative people in your life are family, you don’t have any other option that to suck it up and deal with them. The other side of me believes I should immediately leave if being around these people are negative, even if they are family. They have the choice not to be negative yet, they are still being negative, its all  a decision and you have to do whats best for you. Going back to the eating topic, the body image portion of ED was so difficult because it not only had me writing what my negative thoughts were but, also written the reason behind them.

Sooo… my favorite pen ran out of ink….its a very sad day. Also, I think (maybe) I am getting my appetite back, and now that I have gone so ling without it, I don’t want it back. I have lost 23 pounds now and I am slowly getting happy with what I look like. I know its not healthy how I lost the weight but, my body is adjusting and I don’t want to stop. Its not like I have a full blown eating disorder, others I would commit fully to change. I don’t see that much wrong with only eating one mean a day. I eat mean and other food categories to get the vitamins I need. I know I should be eating more, I guess its just hard when I don’t think I have a issue. I don’t want to admit I am semi using this as self harm because then it almost feels like I haven’t actually been clean from self harm, I have just switched ways. I want to be healthy, I do, I just don’t want to disappoint myself even more than I already do. I wish I could just be normal, be like the pretty girls who eat like everything and gain no weight, or even a girl who never eats and loses weight. I just want to be good enough for once instead of always feeling like I am a worthless failure. Will I ever be good enough for myself or others? Do I even matter anymore? If I can eat and hate every part of my body then I can easily not eat and act like everything is okay. My body can easily manage and function and understand what I see. I get one mean per day and now they want me to be at three means a day with two or three snacks. I haven’t been like that ever and now I have to go from zero to three means with snacks. How am I supposed to do this? How do I do this especially when I don’t even really know if I am really ready to fully recover. I don’t want to be self sabotaging even more than I probably already am, but I don’t know if full recovery is the point I am at right now. I feel like I should constantly say I am at zero days clean but, not everyone considers restricting at self harm. Its on a fine line. I wish I could see what others see, maybe then it would be easier going through program. Honestly, this program has pushed me to my limits and that will be really good in the end but right now it really sucks.